Am I being controlling?

[Orangejuice188]

Bf has a hobby cricket, trains 2 nights a week and plays all of Saturday and some Sundays all day too.

I told him earlier that I felt I wasn’t seeing him very much and that it made me sad. I asked if he had to play as many Sundays as he did. And, if when we are older and have kids etc, does he have to play Sundays?

He said the following:

• i am coercing him into giving up his only hobby, something he loves (I didn’t say this)
• He wants to make a choice about how much he plays, and not be told this, and will balance his time himself
• He doesn’t play every Sunday (true) to spend time with me
• He has “already made sacrifices” as in doesn’t stay late drinking every Saturday, and doesn’t play every game If i don’t see these sacrifices then something is wrong
• A sarcastic comment about “I’ll just not work then”
• he said I am his priority and that I get him all the time for the whole winter months
• He then went to sleep because he’s frustrated and concerned and riled up
• He said he would’ve had a nice conversation / discussion if I’d have said I didn’t feel I was seeing him enough, but because I made it about cricket, it became an attempt to control him and stop him playing
• i see him two or three evenings after work (he gets home at 7pm)

Honestly am I being controlling or unfair?

What, wait, is your BF my husband?!
honestly, he says the same stuff to me! Except his is a footy hobby.
“if you don’t see xyz then there’s something wrong” 🙄
“I make sacrifices you don’t see”. Really pees me off!!!

in all seriousness, you ANBU.
you asked a question.. you’re not saying give it all up for me..

I suppose you need to think about your future with this guy, do you want to spend the rest of your life (and/or have kids) with someone who treats your innocent little questions as controlling and wont make time for you now? Never mind in the future..

for me, because they sound like the same guy, my dh changed when we had kids - but he still fears the day he has to give up his football hobby - although I always say you don’t have to, just don’t take away our main days- like a whole weekend/weekend day. Go do what you want a couple of evenings a night. Now he goes to football once a week in th evening and will probably do a weekend morning when time is a bit easier. But he also goes to watch footy, which takes out a good half day too… I have plenty to do without him but I totally see your point.

Yeah I've been the child in this set up so I'll just echo PP and say, don't do it OP. He's telling you what/who is the priority to him and that he doesn't see any problems with that and doesn't intend to change it.

So he didn't answer your question then about giving up for kids?

Of course YANBU. You stated you wanted to see him a bit more, presumably because y’know, you love him. He responded by having a little tantrum. That would give me the ick.

YANBU. It's fine for cricket to be his priority and it's fine for you to not accept it. Definitely don't marry/have children until you are able to have a calm conversation about this. It's not unreasonable to want to know that he will put any future children first.

Dump and move on.

The whole point of 'courting' is to see what sort of a person you would be ending up with if you do decide to get married and have kids.

If you choose to ignore this and proceed, then you are choosing a level of engagement that you are already making threads on mumsnet about, which isn't exactly a positive is it?

Depends on how you look at it the op could be needy and comes across as controlling?

Reverse the people would the women be told she is having a tantrum?

Cricket (like golf) is one of those absurdly long games that takes several hours (more if you throw in the social element of a few drinks afterwards). If this is his passion and you knew about this before you started dating then you can't expect him to just give it up or reduce his participation. Nobody is wrong here, you are just mismatched. I met my wife via online dating, she made it very clear in her profile and in person that rowing was a very big part of her life (training several times a week, early starts at weekends etc), she was training for Henley qualifiers at the time and there was no chance of reducing her commitment and getting selected for the final crew. I ha e to confess i was very attracted to sporty people and thought what she was trying to achieve was amazing. Conversely I was playing decent grade rugby so was playing every Saturday afternoon and training during the week. We barely saw each other despite being very keen for a relationship. After one particular bad injury I quit rugby and took up rowing so at least we were both down the same club and saw each other more!

This just sounds like a mismatch to me. You are not wrong in your view as such, but maybe you need to find someone who is more aligned with your expectations or have have a mutual hobby or interest you can both share.

Honestly? I would be far less worried about the cricket than about his misappropriation of serious terms for describing actual abuse, to silence a polite query about whether his time is negotiable. Men who enthusiastically embrace terminology of abuse to justify no debate about what they want to do would get a huge no from me. Because now he'd learned these words, everything you ask will be 'coercion' and every boundary you have will be 'control'.

I don’t think you’re being ‘controlling’ as such but I do think you’re incompatible. If someone told me to give up a hobby I loved that only took me out a couple of evenings and one or two weekend days, I’d probably also say no. Cricket’s seasonal so presumably he isn’t playing at weekends in the winter.

I’m someone who likes my own space and I really don’t need/want my partner to be around every evening - and my own DP has a hobby that takes him away pretty much every Saturday. I love it because I need time to myself. But if you’re not that kind of person this relationship isn’t going to work for you. Neither you nor your boyfriend is wrong; you’re just different and probably not compatible long term.

How long have you been together? I think seeing him 2-3 times a week and some Sundays is OK for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

BUT

He has told you spending time with you instead of his hobby is a sacrifice. You are not his priority if he feels this way.

YABU if you continue this relationship and expect things to change. Do not have children with him, you are free to decide you can tolerate playing second fiddle to cricket but you should not make that choice for your children. He has told you who he is, any future disappointment in this relationship will be as a result of what you choose to do with the information. Now you know, you can't blame him.

As for "I'll just not work then", he needs to grow up, that kind of childish, passive aggressive shit would put me right off.

Mine loves cricket as do I, the first time I thought ooh he is a bit of alright was at the departmental cricket match.

However when I got PG he volunteered to stop playing as it was too time consuming. I also had a hobby I put on the back burner for around 4 years when we had DS.

He has been a really excellent engaged Father who did as many drop offs and also more inset days than I ever did as he had greater flexibility in his job. Hobbies often have to take a back seat when you have children.

This man will not be a good life partner to raise children with he wants to have the benefit of a wife and children but wants to do exactly what he wants always and he has told you this. He has shown you his very selfish personality. Having children means sacrifice, time, money, sleep, he will leave everything to you

agree with this.

YANBU in speaking frankly about a problem in a a relationship with a potential life partner.

The issue seems to be incompatible preference and the apparent inability to talk about an issue constructively. The tone of your concern and his response are mismatched.

The part about him not drinking late into the evenings with friends as a sacrifice gives me ick tho. Is he like that or said in the heat of the moment.

There us a good chance this isn't the first time it's come up in a relationship which might explain (but not justify) his emotional response. How long have you been together ?

Ok that's fine, but then when you add children in the mix, what then? What we see on mn all the time is womens' lives altering drastically at that point and men just carrying on. Clearly a serious conversation needs to be had prior to that point but do you think it's still reasonable, if a person says they want children, actively "tries" for them to then expect their life can carry on as before?
OP I'd ask him whether, should children be born that he'd be happy to hold to the fort X times a week for you to go the gym to match his cricketing.

I know - that’s why you have a conversation - a proper one. Mine was theatre - minimum of 2 evenings plus all Sunday then show week.

BUT - I didn’t have to do every show and would’ve been open to doing 3 a year instead of 5, for example.

Also - I knew it was incompatible with children already so was well aware it had a shelf life.

As you allude to a fairly serious conversation needs to be had as to how things have to change in an equitable way so that no one party is left doing all the leg work with no down time. I get the impression lots of couples don't have this conversation and expectations are not managed. Going back to my rugby days there was a bloke down my club who upon having kids reverted to playing home games only (every other week). He lived about 15 mins distance from the ground so in total he was away on Saturday afternoon for maybe 3-4 hours when he did play. When he was not playing rugby at weekends he was with the kids while his wife scooted off to the gym and coffee with friends. It can work.

It's not controlling to ask a question, or express a preference to see him more.

It's also not unreasonable of him to say no, actually, this is important to me and I don't want to reduce it.

It is a bit shitty (and in fact, a bit controlling) of him to go off in a sulk and make you feel like you can't bring stuff up in the future.

Overall it probably means your ideas of what you want the balance of your relationship/work/hobbies to be isn't really compatible - and I would not have children with him in that situation. If you want to have children, he's not the guy to do it with. It's not that there's anything particularly wrong with his preference because people can live whatever lives they like. But if he's not willing to put in more time to family responsibilities, then a LOT is going to fall on you, and you're already unhappy with the amount of time he has left over to see you, even without children being a factor.

I can see both sides. It is a lot of time to spend on a hobby but like he says it's only for a few months over summer and yes it would be too much when you have kids but you don't so it's irrelevant.
I think it's hard to realise how much time kids take up too before you have them so asking him if he would spend less time on cricket when you have kids isn't really helpful.

He hasn't handled it very well though which would worry me more.
You should be able to discuss stuff like that without him getting defensive and angry

He is going to do what he wants when he wants to do it whether you like it or not, and any attempt by you to discuss it will be met by him telling you that you are being controlling.

It doesn't appear to have dawned on him that he is the one doing the controlling right now, and he expects you to just accept it.

Don't marry him and definitely don't have kids with him. His lifestyle is fine for a single man without commitments. I think it's great to have separate interests and hobbies but he doesn't really have time for a relationship let alone anything else.

He's clearly told you that time with you is not a priority and went DARVO on you immediately when you brought it up. Get rid.

Why are you wasting your time with such a twat?
You are not important to him.
His hobbies are and always will be his priority.

Also, being unable to discuss things in a reasonable manner 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Don't have children with him. Honestly consider whether you even want to share living space with someone you can't have an open and fair discussion with.