To think he should pay this?

[Reaka]

Ex is a high earner. The cms calculation is 825 a month (and he is due to be promoted and has lots of scope to earn more).

Nursery cost is 1500 a month so the 825 pays a chunk and then also leaves a little left over (on the basis that I pay towards nursery and day to day costs too).

Ex sees dd for 6 hours every weekend. He chooses the day. I have asked if he wants her overnight etc but he does not.

I am drowning in work and commuting and caring for dd alongside my job. I want to ask him to pay an extra 150 a month to pay for a cleaner once a week to take some of the pressure off given he does zero practical care. Is this reasonable? I feel so angry about being left to do all the parenting but also don’t want to take the piss as I want dd to always know I was fair towards her dad even if he hasn’t been to me. Would you ask him to pay?

Wrong thread.

I don't think he would say yes to a cleaner. You might have more luck if you say you are struggling to pay for nursery costs plus all her other expenses (perhaps list them) and 825 just doesn't cover his half.

I wouldn’t expect him to pay for a cleaner no. You can ask him if he’d be willing to pay a bit extra on top of CMS, only you know if he’d be open to that though

In about two minutes you'll have loads of posters saying how lucky you are, that £825 is a huge amount and that legally he doesn't have to pay you anything more than CMS. They will bat the numbers back and forth and argue about how much a child can possibly cost.

However, the basic truth if your post is the bit about you doing everything. Juggling work and childcare, having no autonomy to just decide to stop on the way home for a coffee or gym or browse in the shops; having to be in charge of every aspect of parenting, remembering and organising and planning and actually being there. Reading, playing, listening when all you want to do is have 5 minutes to yourself that you're not clock watching for when they end. Its not really about the numbers, it's about what "co-parenting" should be and if he's not prepared to do 50/50 then absolutely it would not be unreasonable to ask him to contribute so that you can have a little more time. But I'm afraid legally, as I'm sure you know, he can't be forced into any more than CMS.

Nah don’t say it’s for. Cleaner . It’s for nursery and you pay the cleaner, he doesn’t need to know what you spend your money on.

I wouldnt word it that it's for a cleaner no. I'd just ask him if he could contribute £150 more as he currently only contributes £75 a month to her life outside of nursery fees.

I wouldn’t ask him to pay for a cleaner, no. That’s to benefit you not the child (is how he may see it). You could ask him to contribute more to cover nursery expenses then the money you save put towards a cleaner. Although as long as he is paying what CMS have calculated he isn’t expected to pay any more

Ask him but don't say it's for a cleaner. He should be ashamed of himself. Only paying a little more than half nursery costs so that YOU can keep a roof over her head and sees her 6 hours a week.

I wouldn’t ask him to pay for a cleaner. It’s a fair and reasonable thing to want from him, but it doesn’t seem like the most sensible way to ask for an extra £150. Presumably he’s aware that his contribution, even though it is significant, is only a percentage of childcare costs and isn’t enough to contribute to the home his child lives in. Tell him bills have gone up and you’d appreciate support with them or something, and make it clear that you only need the extra as long as you’re using childcare.

I would ask him to pay the full nursery costs so that you have time to work full time and house, clothe, clean and cook for your baby. Don't mention getting a cleaner. So many men I've heard of on here seem to think that if a woman gets her nails done that's come out of his £5 per week that he's paying in childcare. Don't give this guy the chance to be like that.

Tell him when your child is in school you can renegotiate.

Have you had a look to see if you’re eligible for any universal credit to help with nursery costs? It might not be much but every little helps. I think a salary up to about 35k will allow for a little help towards your fees!

Thank you for feedback. I just wanted to be honest as it would be going to the cleaner. I can’t decide want to do.

Just wanted to add - I was divorced and occasionally when things got too much I gave my XH a basket of our children's school uniforms on a Friday night and asked them to be returned, washed and ironed, on a Sunday night. I wish I'd done that every week, but I found out his girlfriend, the OW, was doing them and I didn't want anything to do with her.

Do you not get funding for nursery or at least 20% gov tax free

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to pay more seeing as what he gives you doesn't even cover childcare. But framing it as paying for a cleaner isn't likely to go down well.
I would ask if he could give more to cover clothes/food/toys etc until she's out of nursery

You can ask, but legally he doesn't have to give you more than the CM calculation. I wouldn't say it was for a cleaner because why would he want to pay for a cleaner for you? His responsibilities are with his child. Say you need it for the child but don't be surprised if he says no.

Don't say cleaner.

Ask for more towards nursery or just general costs of raising a child.

It wouldn't though. It would be going on his half of the nursery fees/food/clothes/housing costs/trips/toys/books etc leaving you with a bit more of your own earnings to spend on yourself each month. And you might choose to spend that on a cleaner.

As someone else has said - have you looked at every opportunity to reduce the fees? 15 hours, 30 hours? UC paying towards childcare, tax free childcare?

If you don't have tax free childcare because of UC, can you suggest your ex does it?

I would ask for the extra towards childcare. Then you pay for the cleaner.

He is unlikely to pay for a cleaner so don’t tell him that’s what it’s for. Have you completed a universal credit claim to see what you are entitled to

Jeez, I get 400 a month off my ex for two kids! And nursery fees alone were 420 for youngest (just finished).
How old is your child? There's many childcare schemes now, 15 free hours 30 free hours, taxi free etc. depending on your wage UC help.

Half the nursery fees.

i agree you say you can’t afford nursery fees on top of all the other costs and ask him to pay something more towards her costs, that after half the nursery fees you have £75 a month from him and his it costs more than that to bring up a child.

A quick CMS calculator suggests that he earns about £96,000 a year to have to pay £825.

If you think he earns more than that, check the calculation again.

On the net salary from £96k he should definitely be able to pay more but unfortunately men like that will only pay the absolute bare minimum.

This.

If there is money available, you should be able to buy in help so that your time is not stretched so thinly. It is in your child's best interests not to have an exhausted mother doing the bulk of the caring. After all, ex is a hands on single parent for 6 hours per week and doesn't do the labour intensive stuff like getting out of the house on time in the mornings and bedtimes.

How much other mothers have to manage on is neither here nor there. Your child is entitled to a standard of living that is what it would have been without the divorce.

No it wouldn't be going to the cleaner. It would be going to nursery fees and other expenses. And that would enable you to afford a cleaner.