To think he should pay this?

[Reaka]

Ex is a high earner. The cms calculation is 825 a month (and he is due to be promoted and has lots of scope to earn more).

Nursery cost is 1500 a month so the 825 pays a chunk and then also leaves a little left over (on the basis that I pay towards nursery and day to day costs too).

Ex sees dd for 6 hours every weekend. He chooses the day. I have asked if he wants her overnight etc but he does not.

I am drowning in work and commuting and caring for dd alongside my job. I want to ask him to pay an extra 150 a month to pay for a cleaner once a week to take some of the pressure off given he does zero practical care. Is this reasonable? I feel so angry about being left to do all the parenting but also don’t want to take the piss as I want dd to always know I was fair towards her dad even if he hasn’t been to me. Would you ask him to pay?

A cleaner is a great idea. Anything which frees up your time to spend with your child and looking after yourself.

Realistically he should be paying half the nursery fees plus a decent chunk towards the costs of caring for your child. The costs of children vary depending on age (nursery is a big cost prior to school, after-school/holiday care is significant but possibly less, teenagers have high costs but tend to be more independent).

I think it's worth setting out the costs you want him to contribute to (ie £x is half of the nursery fees plu £y covers food, clothes etc) and see what he says. You would be able to pay for a cleaner out of the money you have once he's paying towards nursery.

It's not dishonesty, just making the case for his contribution in a way which makes sense.

Perhaps do it in a roundabout way and say you're struggling to keep on top of things and it would be a great help to have him over one evening a week or am extra morning on the weekends so you can catch up. If he isn't willing then tell him you'll be hiring a cleaner instead and start making a point of sending dd to him at the weekends in her shabbiest clothes

youd be better taking him to court for set visitation

Can you not claim universal credit childcare costs, or Tax Free Childcare?
I think you have to be earning over £90,000 not to be eligible for 85% of childcare costs paid back by universal credit, even if you are not entitled to the universal credit personal element ( correct me if I’m wrong )
you can also claim 20% off of your childcare costs if you are not entitled to universal credit, by going through Tax Free Childcare on.gov.uk
if you are getting back 85% of your childcare cost, then it’s unreasonable to ask for more money, when she is in school ( providing it’s a state school ) and you don’t need the nursery fees £825 will be ample
my ex currently pays me £28 a month 😂 I am struggling for childcare after school because I cannot afford After School Club . CMS are slow and useless

If he earns more as you are expecting the CMS amount will increase. Maybe allocating the amount you get to do specific things is a bit of a block here, you don't have to justify what you spend it on. Doing it on your own is hard, consider what you want, will cutting work hours until school starts help- your CMS will remain the same when nursery costs are gone. I apologise if I am wrong but it seems you just want to breath and the 6 hours of parental care is more annoying than the money so just say it is not convenient as it just holds your weekends hostage - none is better than token parenting for your child but saying no to that opens the door to you having a bit more control.

No he should not have to pay for a cleaner, he needs to pay whatever is actually appropriate though

The court won't make him have the child more.

Tell him you are overwhelmed and can't cope with the entire load.
Tell him he either pays up or he has DD every other weekend for the entire weekend so you can catch up.
I suspect he'll choose yo pay.

CM is not supposed to cover school fees. It’s for their home, clothes, food. You can ask for more towards her nursery costs. Also have you applied for the funded hours for working parents? If not that will reduce your costs.
My ex is a high earner too, I ask for extra for nursery, extra activities & the equipment for those activities. He also barely sees them! I know he is still far better off than we are so I don’t feel bad asking, and he always pays it.

No, I wouldn't expect him to pay for a cleaner. I was a completely lone parent from DS being 10 months old and I managed to do my own cleaning.

Can you not pay for a cleaner out of your own salary?

Hi,
how old is your child? Because you maybe entitled to 85% back on childcare fees?
I was working full time but had to drop my hours. I claim UC and paid the first month upfront for childcare. Once I sent the proof to UC they gave me 85% back every month. £150 a month for a cleaner is a lot. I had to hire a cleaner before and it was only for 2 hours a week. So £20 a week. I stopped that as I then found a way to manage it. I started to book a day off work once a month and done a deep clean on that day.
I literally booked a day off just to clean lol.
at the moment your child is getting what they’re entitled through CMS. Personally I wouldn’t ask for more. Where is your wage going? As a single parent I do completely understand. Also when your child turns 3 they get so many hours free a week.
are you able to drop your hours in work? So you can drop some childcare? My job luckily allowed me to drop my hours from full time to part time and it was a massive help. Have you checked to see if you’re entitled to UC?

Remember it's hard for you now but once she's finished nursery £850 will way more than cover all her costs

So he pays for half the childcare and then 75 a month for food clothes etc?

also when that 1600 goes down when she starts school you will have a much larger contribution to her care. I’d ask for more if you want more, but I’m not sure I’d ask for it for a cleaner.

You could ask if he'd pay £1k a month on the basis it's just until DD does not go to nursery anymore. Just tell him you can't afford the nursery and everything else for your DD. Explain once she starts school he can go back to paying less. He might agree if you have a reasonable parenting relationship.

It’s not for the cleaner though. I know that’s the immediate change you would make with more money but it’s not where the money would go.

At the moment you are paying half each on the nursery, and then you are covering the entirety of your Dd’s living costs. That’s not right.

In a decent world, he should be legally obliged to pay half the nursery and then maintenance on top. That’s what I’d be asking for.

Are you making use of tax free childcare and any funded hours you can?
as others have already said you can ask but I wouldn’t say it’s for a cleaner either-just day to day costs for your daughter. You know him so can gauge how to approach him and if he will be receptive to it. If he says no you can report any increase in his income to CMS but they won’t do a new calculation before your annual review if it hasn’t changed by at least 25% (up or down).

You can't force someone to be a parent.

So threaten him with two things that OP can't carry out?

She will pay it from her own salary by using the amount she currently puts towards nursery fees.

No , don’t say it’s for a cleaner . He sounds like he does the bare minimum so therefore would be likely to say that he shouldn’t be paying for your home to be cleaned - which is true .

However, in my opinion , he isn’t paying enough . Surely ( I’m no expert ) but CMS should be for her care ( food , bills for the home she lives in as she lives solely with you ) then childcare should be on top of that - because he gets to work full time too , so he should be paying half towards childcare and then money towards her care .

£750 is half of the childcare . So he’s giving you £75 per month . That’s not enough. I would word it as he needs to contribute more towards the childcare . £50 per week ( on his wage ) is not too much to ask so you say he’s paying that ( £200 per month ) meaning you are paying the majority of childcare and it needs to be equal

You also can’t ask a parent who is paying maintenance to pay for a cleaner. If she had set visitation maybe she could use nursery less or have some time for herself and get things done. Only a suggestion

A friend of mind gets CM per month plus he has to pay half the childcare fees.

as others have said if you don’t already have a look at the Government 20% towards childcare (maximum of £500 per quarter), but need to earn less than £100k per year. Assuming you’re in the UK.

can you ask him if he’s willing to take your DD one full weekend a month if he can’t do every other week or more often. Is this likely to change as child gets older.

He can obviously afford what he’s paying just now, so no harm in asking for more to make your life easier, just don’t tell him it’s for a cleaner. You’re not lying to him by not telling him it’s for a cleaner, when you add up childcare, food, clothes, essentials etc I bet it adds up to more than double what he’s currently paying so he should be paying more (irrespective of what he’s currently paying).

You also can’t ask a parent who is paying maintenance to pay for a cleaner.

Which law is this?

she had set visitation

Again, you can't force someone to parent their child.

@Nosygirl01

The law in this country is terrible and put the main parent the kids stay with, usually the mother and usually the less earner, st great disadvantage. I am going through a divorce and is shocking.
in Switzerland parents are forced to spend time with their kids. The judge sets days both parents have to spend time. My friend’s husband was travelling a lot and the judge established he would spend Monday and Fridays with the kids (so he had to cut on travel these days and tell his employer as it was a court order) every other weekend and at least 2 weeks of holidays at year.
in other European countries a judge would look at the expenses toward the kid, fees, food, clothing, part of rent, toys, activities and parents would share proportionally depending on their income. So let’s say he earns £4K a month, she earns £2k a month, kids expenses are £2k month (nursery fees plus clothes, food and their share of rent and bills as they use a room, bath etc), he would pay £1.3k and she then gas to top of with £700.
I diny really understand how comes in the UK mums are left with all childcare and pay also the majority of kids expenses?! Has no one complained? Are there no charities or groups or women lawyers or in government who have denounced this? In the end kids suffer the most as they have less disposable income than they would and less time with their main carer as they have to work all the time to provide alone. It is very sad.
to OP you are asking for a better quality of life of your kid, frame as they advised but do not give up, anything that allows you to be less tired and spend more time with them it’s important. Once grown up they would thank you.

Ummmmm no? Why would you expect you ex - who already pay cms for his child - pay to have your house cleaned?