To think he should pay this?

[Reaka]

Ex is a high earner. The cms calculation is 825 a month (and he is due to be promoted and has lots of scope to earn more).

Nursery cost is 1500 a month so the 825 pays a chunk and then also leaves a little left over (on the basis that I pay towards nursery and day to day costs too).

Ex sees dd for 6 hours every weekend. He chooses the day. I have asked if he wants her overnight etc but he does not.

I am drowning in work and commuting and caring for dd alongside my job. I want to ask him to pay an extra 150 a month to pay for a cleaner once a week to take some of the pressure off given he does zero practical care. Is this reasonable? I feel so angry about being left to do all the parenting but also don’t want to take the piss as I want dd to always know I was fair towards her dad even if he hasn’t been to me. Would you ask him to pay?

No. You can't ask him to pay to clean your house!

What you could do is explain you're struggling to afford nursery and ask if he can help out there. Then use the money you save to fund a cleaner.

Yeah this is the way to do it

have You applied for the free hours? That would reduce the nursery bill

He's paying very little over half of the nursery fees and children cost more than the nursery fees. Unless you earn the same, why would you split the nursery 50/50 in the first place?

Exactly @Whoknowshere It should be 50/50 financial and practical responsibility from the minute the child is born. God knows why we accept that women are the ones left holding the babies and running themselves into the ground whilst the dads pay a minimum and benefit from the mums’ unpaid labour.

When I was in this situation I got my ex to pay half the nursery fees (he only saw DC for 4 weekend days per month) plus an amount for the DC living expenses.

In your case I'd be asking for something like:

£750 (50% nursery) + £400 (DC living expenses) = £1,150.

When DC finishes nursery, I'd revert to the £825 per month.

You could get a cleaner without telling him, as he really doesn't need to know what you spend the money on (other than the 50% nursery as technically CMS doesn't say he has to pay).

Is the only six hours access at his request or yours?

I had an almost identical situation to yours where my ex was paying me a similar figure but after I'd paid nursery fees, there wasn't enough to actually buy stuff our daughter needs. I'm disabled. And he had promised to cover the nursery fees but decided to go back on it.

Sorry, this probably isn't helpful but I think a lot of men are like this. If I explained to my ex the above, he'd say I was lucky to get given so much money and I had a cheek to ask for any more.

His

if he's not willing to parent atleast 2 days a week then he should be paying the full nursery costs. totally unfair, why haven't you told him you need him to step up in terms of childcare?

Because he doesn't want to parent. She can't force him to.

Just ask. Worse that can happen is he says no.

I would say you need extra for clothes, milk, savings, shoes, her holiday costs, her friends birthday presents, her parties, etc. don't say it's for you. Then spend what you save on you/the cleaner.
Remember the nursery fees won't be expensive forever.

How can this even be legal in a developing country? I am speechless. How can a father not be forced to pay his share of expenses, according to income and do his share of parenting? Why is the UK so behind all other countries? Why women here accept it as it is fair, even in the comments I read, many think it is an acceptable situation and a woman who does 95% of the child care also needs to pay the bigger chunck of the kids expenses?

its very inter to read on here. Typically in my country the courts have a formula, and everything is ‘accounted for’.

no I don’t think you’re getting enough. But no you can’t ask for a cleaner. You should be getting some time compensation. And the ex should be paying for full daycare.

6 hours is not an appropriate or acceptable arrangement. Look into at least getting that changed.

She can't force him to changed it.

And she can ask for a cleaner. Whether he agrees is a different matter.

He’s not paying anywhere near enough in my opinion, if he really is a high income earner. He should cover all the nursery costs in addition to half of your household costs for groceries, utilities and all other ancillary costs associated with being a single working mother, including a cleaner. If he’s a high earner then his child should have the benefit of his wealth and if he doesn’t want to take on 50/50 childcare responsibilities then the financial split should not be 50/50.

Edit- he should pay half the rent/mortgage too

Legally, he probaly isn't required to pay more. But I would absolutely ask him to contribute more, specifically to cover the cost of childcare. He is getting a pretty sweet deal - it's costing you over £1600 in childcare ALONE, and that excludes all the other bills such as food, clothing, housing, activities etc etc etc and he's paying just £800. Of course, he may well say no, but you can and should ask.

You can certainly ask for more money.
But if the CMS calculation is x and he's giving you x... well he can tell you to jog on really.

The CM is for the child not you and what you need.
You are getting plenty but want more some women on MN are lucky to just £20 a month.
Then i read about the netters that still want CM when the child is an adult or still want child benefit but the child is an adult kids are not piggy banks.

Other women’s situations have no bearing here, but it’s clearly the case that too many men are getting away with not paying their fair share. Her ex has the cash and he should pay for his child’s living expenses. A real man should ensure that his child is living a lifestyle commensurate with his income.

Could you go 50/50 care and no maintenance?
It seems like you'd be better off.

OP - the Family Mediation Service might be a good place for you to contact

@FrodisCapering he wouldn’t ever have 50/50. He does absolutely nothing and seems to enjoy that. I wish I could enforce 50/50!

Some people are lucky to have lungs, it doesn't mean they shouldn't smoke.