Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

[endlessnonsense]

I have a friend (well, she's equally a friend of me and DH, she and her XH used to be our neighbours). We now only see her a couple of times a year as we live far away now, and I wouldn't call her a really close friend. When we go on holiday, which is to a hot seaside place in Europe, we often get friends joining us as we have a place to stay and a boat, which is fun. This year she came.

I spent a lot of the time she was here in a state of suppressed anger at her, which caused me to resent her being here. This is because she turned out, on a several-days long time together, rather than the odd dinner we usually have, to be constantly pretending (or was she pretending?) to be very thoughtful and considerate, when I felt she was being just the opposite, in a passive aggressive way.

Everywhere we suggested going and everything we suggested doing, she deferred to us, "oh I'll do whatever you want, don't worry about me", never offering any suggestions of her own or seeming especially enthusiatic. OK, fair enough, we know the place and she doesn't. But it went much further. She was always faux putting herself down/being the martyr/putting on performative sweetness.

My son has special needs and she is always supersweet to him, but I told her multiple times during the holiday, no, he doesn't want an ice cream, he doesn't like it. It must have run into more than a dozen times she said, "oh darling, do you want an ice cream, oh please let me get him an ice cream, I'll pay"(as though I wasn't getting him the ice cream myself because of meanness). (Strangely, although she knows he does like chocolate, she never once offered to buy him a chocolate)

We planned a trip to a particular place she hadn't been, specifically to show it to her. Other friends were coming too, they are local and had been to the place many times, but we're coming along to be sociable with us and her. When she asked me how many people were coming and I mentioned it would be quite a few (in positive way, saying it would be a fun social event) she said, all sweetly, "well if you don't have room for me I'll just stay behind at the apartment, I don't mind at all". That really annoyed me, she knew the trip was arranged specifically for her!

Another (even more annoying) example, we were at a beach bar/restaurant with a bunch of people. Too many to get one table so we were split between 2 tables. Our food came marginally before the other table's (not more than 2 or 3 minutes). In that time she expressed concern that the toddler at the other table had not yet got her food, and actually got up to take her own plate of food to the toddler (it was a salad of some sort and the toddler was getting chips, so not even remotely the same thing). Me and DH had to physically get her to stop it and sit down before the toddler's mum saw.

She has always been very much a "oh don't worry about me, I'll just have a tap water" type of person, but on this holiday she really got my goat. She's left now and I am not sure if she noticed I was a bit snippy with her by the end. AIBU and a mean friend?

I think that anyone who just thinks Op is a big meanie doesn't have much experience of people like this woman

@theleafandnotthetree i know exactly what you mean, I also have German relatives who lose their minds working in Ireland as it’s so so infuriating

There is nothing nice and easy going about continually trying to force the buying of an ice cream onto a child that doesn't want it with the added attempt at shaming the parent with the I'll pay for it comment.

Also, the getting up to take her salad to a toddler waiting for chips is again not being nice and easy going it is performative, an action that is designed for everyone else to witness with the purpose of them thinking and saying how very kind and thoughtful the person doing it is when it is nothing of the sort.

I am another who gets extremely irritated by the I don't mind/if you like/whatever you want types - it's tiresome.

'As I've said many times, he doesn't like ice cream. But he'd love it if you bought him X chocolate treat instead. Thanks!"

Just put her on the spot if you want her to stop.

Wherever you are on holiday sounds great.
People like this, and it’s usually women I’m afraid , are so irritating. Just say what you would like or where you want to go.
The next person who says ‘I don’t mind’ when I’m making tea/ coffee I’m not going to be responsible.

People are naturally different in temperament and just because she’s very passive, it doesn’t mean that she was trying to annoy you. However, I think you could try being more tolerant and accepting of her personality traits.

My ex would always be ‘I don’t mind’, ‘you choose’ etc. and yes, it did annoy me as time went on as I always felt responsible for decision making and it was one of the reasons we broke up.

Maybe she is just a really nice person? Sounds like she gave you the friend ick and now everything she does annoys you.

The tap water thing would irritate me though, it’s like it implies she thinks you that you think you are better than her. A lot of people called me a snob for preferring bottled water, only to find out there was sewage and E. coli in the water system in the UK!

Choosing a restaurant on holiday with this type of person is a nightmare.

Standing outside looking at menu, you say - this looks nice what do you think? Someone who genuinely doesn't mind/goes with the flow would say 'yes, looks good let's try here'. EASY

This TYPE of person will say with lack of enthusiasm, 'I don't mind' whilst frowning reading the menu then looking around. 'If you want to eat here, then I don't mind'. 'They may not have space for all of us, I can eat this snack in my bag in the car'

I've got a friend like this but it's not false at all, it's just how she is. Always offering to do impractical and unnecessary favours that we don't want and so on. She's just wired differently, not performative or fake, you could think it is, but that's because of how you're wired and what you're ascribing to her. Better to think that's just her annoying habit and we all have them, but if she's got other qualities you like then you put up with them as friends do.

Ahh OP I feel your pain.

My brother has special needs. I have a heightened sense of irritation when people perform kindness rather than listening to what actually helps. As a result I am fairly intolerant of dis-ingenuous people who dance on that wierd line of thinking they are the only person to have noticed their needs or just to "treat" them. Its gross self-serving behaviour.

Also my mum is the whole "whatever you want" I went on a two week holiday with her and she made no suggestions or recommendations, she hadn't even looked up where we were going to make plans. "I am just happy being with you" but it was exhausting by the end of it and I was so irratated at the whole thing, which made her even more meak.

Have a large LARGE glass of wine and a day to calm down, but don't invite her again.

We didn't ask her about what restaurants to go to, we know the place and all the options very well and she doesn't. So there was no problem in that regard, she just came along and she didn't have a problem about the meals (except, weirdly for someone so self-effacing, and I have noticed this before, she always orders twice as much as anyone else and then doesnt finish it half the time). Appropriately enthusiatic about the (lovely) restaurant food though, although she has a number of foods she avoids for a variety of reasons (which is fine by me).

One evening when we were cooking at home she did start on the "oh don't bother cooking for me, I'll just have some bread" but we just ignored her and she ended up eating a hearty meal.

Sounds like my mil. We live overseas, when she visited when the kids were little she tried to over ride me on which ice lolly to get the kids, said in front of them that I was being cheap and that she'd pay for better ones - one child has severe allergies, which she knew. I was being safe, choosing one I knew he could have!

Same visit we'd arranged a day out, a friend was joining us but one of her kids was really sick so she asked if we'd mind taking her other two, we said no problem as we'd have 3 adults (we'd now have 5 kids in total) as we were getting ready to leave, she pulled a chair into the sun and said I'm not coming, I'm going to sit here and read my book! (We didn't have the extra kids yet, as far as she knew it was just her grand kids coming)

I feel quite sorry for this person. She sounds very anxious to me and harmless, but I do understand the frustration when someone is an “I don’t mind” type of person. I think you sound too angry about it though.
she didn’t overstep that hugely over the ice cream and offering some food lol, does it really matter?
Just don’t go on holiday with her again, and if you don’t want to continue seeing her in any capacity then don’t, or just keep it to a catch up dinner a couple of times a year or something if you do.

I completely agree with this. My mum was also very much an “I don’t mind” person and it left me with a long legacy of low self confidence and self esteem because I subconsciously absorbed the idea that women aren’t allowed to have desires, priorities, strong feelings. It’s really toxic.

It is understandable that people struggle with this as youths if they have been raised like this. But as you say grown adults have a responsibility to take control of it and not weaponise it in order to get people to like them. Particularly if they have daughters.

I am allergic to people who are “nice” but have no backbone or personality now. It’s a dishonest way to live.

I think there’s definitely a cultural element, as with cultures who smile a lot vs those who don’t. A lot of my (Irish) friends lived in Amsterdam for years and had to come to terms with cultural directness as standard. My sister worked in Japan for years, and indirectness is an art form there.

I have a friend exactly like this. I probably wouldn’t go on holidays with her. She is a very anxious person but it does grate after a while.

I think your being a bit mean and reading it the wrong way. She sounds like anxious and like her self esteem is on the ground. She is probably a highly sensitive person going through a rough time post divorce. Her DH might have walked all over her.

Absolutely. And unfortunately with some people all that pent up frustration about their own unmet needs ends up being taken out on others.

And as you demonstrate, it's entirely possible to develop self awareness and unlearn these maladaptive behaviours. And live a richer and happier life for it!

Although to be fair to this woman she is going through a big upheaval and as it's a learned response to navigating difficultly it will be at the forefront. Hopefully she can learn about herself in the process and move on!

If you were providing the holiday perhaps she felt awkward about it - like she had to be self sacrificing to repay you. Just don’t holiday with her again

I know someone similar to this, always martyr or victim. I think it’s attention seeking.

@Ger1atricMillennial there is a bit of that about the special needs aspect. Always lots of extra attention to our son and trying to do things for him whether he wants/ needs it or not. He had a bit of a huff the other day, which we always deal with (effectively) by completely ignoring it until he stops. She was all "oh poor boy, he is so tired" (he absolutely wasn't, he was just being an ass) and trying to give him things/treats or take him for a walk, all of which is counterproductive. She knows this, she has known him all his life. I may have been a but short with her then too, I am afraid.

We always insist on him being as independent as possible and she kept trying to do things for him that he can completely do for himself. It felt like criticism in a way, like "why are you so mean that you make him do these things himself". She's not the only person who behaves like that though, it is surprisingly common, so I just let it go.

She is also always telling me in an awestruck and ultrasweet-sounding (aka condescending in my opinion) way how "fantastic" or "amazing" DH and I have been in bringing up our son. I find it pretty grating. I know I shouldn't. Other SN parents will understand.

My MIL used to do a lot of these things. We’d arrange something specifically with her in mind/for her and she’d pretend she’s isn’t know and say, “Oh you don’t want me there, you’d rather be with your sister and family”
It’s such a wind up because you know they feel put out even though you’ve done nothing to put them out.
I guess it’s maladapted behaviour due to a combination of personality and adverse life experiences.

Honestly, I think I can get on with most people but the sort of person who never tells you want they are really thinking drives me up the wall. I would have lost it with her.

Your friend sounds infuriating, especially the ice cream thing and the boat trip. It sounds like it is indeed performative and not just anxious and a desire to be liked. Would make sure not to invitation her next year, she'll drive me mad.

I also find the 'I don't minders' incredibly frustrating. Especially the ones who then moan about you later behind your back. My mother would be like this. Ask her if she wants to go to the beach or the botanical gardens with the grandchildren . She "doesn't mind". You push, she still 'doesn't mind'. So you choose the beach. Later she moans to my sister that the beach was too hot and boring and too far in the car and she didn't want to go but agreed because I chose it. I stopped giving her choices (they'd all be wrong anyway) and in fact cut down taking her places at all.

Sister defaults everything to me as well. We've been on holiday together (in the past, never again) and all the organising, accommodation, travel plans, sightseeing, day trips, restaurant choices are all on me. Then of course it's my fault if something goes wrong or she doesn't like something I've chosen.

It's not always low self esteem and 'people pleasing'. It can be manipulative and performative. And lazy.

I know someone like this. I put it down to bad social skills in a person who considers themselves good with people, so they’ve become blind to their own rudeness.

Exactly this, but unfortunately some people won't take the time to understand, and instead insist that the person can help it, and is just being fake.