Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

[endlessnonsense]

I have a friend (well, she's equally a friend of me and DH, she and her XH used to be our neighbours). We now only see her a couple of times a year as we live far away now, and I wouldn't call her a really close friend. When we go on holiday, which is to a hot seaside place in Europe, we often get friends joining us as we have a place to stay and a boat, which is fun. This year she came.

I spent a lot of the time she was here in a state of suppressed anger at her, which caused me to resent her being here. This is because she turned out, on a several-days long time together, rather than the odd dinner we usually have, to be constantly pretending (or was she pretending?) to be very thoughtful and considerate, when I felt she was being just the opposite, in a passive aggressive way.

Everywhere we suggested going and everything we suggested doing, she deferred to us, "oh I'll do whatever you want, don't worry about me", never offering any suggestions of her own or seeming especially enthusiatic. OK, fair enough, we know the place and she doesn't. But it went much further. She was always faux putting herself down/being the martyr/putting on performative sweetness.

My son has special needs and she is always supersweet to him, but I told her multiple times during the holiday, no, he doesn't want an ice cream, he doesn't like it. It must have run into more than a dozen times she said, "oh darling, do you want an ice cream, oh please let me get him an ice cream, I'll pay"(as though I wasn't getting him the ice cream myself because of meanness). (Strangely, although she knows he does like chocolate, she never once offered to buy him a chocolate)

We planned a trip to a particular place she hadn't been, specifically to show it to her. Other friends were coming too, they are local and had been to the place many times, but we're coming along to be sociable with us and her. When she asked me how many people were coming and I mentioned it would be quite a few (in positive way, saying it would be a fun social event) she said, all sweetly, "well if you don't have room for me I'll just stay behind at the apartment, I don't mind at all". That really annoyed me, she knew the trip was arranged specifically for her!

Another (even more annoying) example, we were at a beach bar/restaurant with a bunch of people. Too many to get one table so we were split between 2 tables. Our food came marginally before the other table's (not more than 2 or 3 minutes). In that time she expressed concern that the toddler at the other table had not yet got her food, and actually got up to take her own plate of food to the toddler (it was a salad of some sort and the toddler was getting chips, so not even remotely the same thing). Me and DH had to physically get her to stop it and sit down before the toddler's mum saw.

She has always been very much a "oh don't worry about me, I'll just have a tap water" type of person, but on this holiday she really got my goat. She's left now and I am not sure if she noticed I was a bit snippy with her by the end. AIBU and a mean friend?

I don't think it's performative.
I do think it's deferential.
And she was deferring to you because you were in the position of giving her a holiday so, trying not to impose, she went out of her way to fit in/bow to you.
Power and control dynamics on your side and she wasn't to know her wet-blanket indecisiveness was worse than being a taker/dominant.

The power dynamics and who holds the power seem blindingly obvious to me.

As for the ice cream, the response ought to have been, "No, but can you get him a (insert chocolate treat) from (insert place), when you see one/later/over there.
He'd love that!"
That calls her out if it was a half-hearted proposal and allows her to feel less guilty/pay her way if it wasn't. Would shut her up either way.
As they say: Shy boys don't get chocolate!

The older I get, the more I realise it's ok for me to be "mean" and just not like someone and choose not be friends. You've done your bit, just don't let her come again. You don't owe friendship or holiday to anyone.

She may be fake or performative and your DH probably spent less time with her than you so didn't notice it as much.

I think you'll get a hard time from people who haven't experienced people like this before.

My Nan is exactly the same, I love her dearly but my god is it frustrating.
Makes you want to shout ' HAVE AN OPINION, HAVE A VOICE' rather than the 'oh don't worry about me' - assumingly said with a slight pained look on her face and a victim like shaky voice.

Avoid next holiday OP - Annoying as hell

She doesn't sound nice to me - she sounds passive-aggressive, performative, tiresome and insincere. Basically very hard work.

Don't feel bad - she isn't a nice person, but she sees herself as one and regards being seen as nice as a competitive sport.

Maybe just maybe shes a genuinely nice person who has a habit if thinking of others before herself...this can come from all sorts of life experiences she may have been through ornjust her personality OP. I think you need to ask yourself why her being so nice is winding you up- do you feel like you can't match upto her or feel like she's putting a negative light on you? In which case that's your own issues and not hers so yes Yabu.

This sounds most ungracious. This woman might be making conversation with each person because she might need conversation, what with being a divorcee. I'd be very happy to be part of a group where the same person spoke to me at every meet. So many people these days just ignore others.
Also, someone's got to do the tidying-up. She obviously doesn't mind doing it, and maybe she enjoys tidying-up?! Maybe it's a diversion from the shyness she is feeling?
Finally, someone saying they are shy to other people is actually very useful. Other people will then know that the person's behaviour stems from shyness. Nice people will make moves to help that person come out of their shell.

This has reminded me of a colleague from long ago...

We all worked hard and for little money, for a charity. A Christmas meal was arranged at a local pub as a rare treat (we were paying for ourselves, of course) and an irritating member of the group said 'I think, in a world where people are starving, it would be obscene for us to go and stuff ourselves with rich food when we don't need it. Let's have soup and bread in the office instead.'

We told the person they were welcome to have their soup and bread in the office, but we were going to the pub!

It was performative meekness, competitive niceness and general pain-in-the-backside-ness.

As a one-off, or occasional thing, not a problem. If I genuinely don't mind, I say so. But surely you can see that if you literally say 'I don't mind' in all situations involving a choice, you place the burden of choice on the other person because you're refusing to voice an opinion? I can think of someone I know who does this largely because she doesn't want to take on the consequences of the decision if it turns out badly, to be a dud meal or a boring hike or a bad gig or whatever.

Y

Yes, exactly.

I feel sorry for the friend because I see some of my behaviour in her and it truly is NOT manipulative as some have said. Is it so hard to realise that some people, due to a lack of self-esteem and confidence, may try to make themselves as unobtrusive and amenable to others as possible? It's partly to be likeable but also to avoid attention, which if you have ever been in an abusive relationship or had a difficult upbringing, just becomes second-nature.

The number of posts calling the friend annoying, a martyr, manipulative, performative and all manner of unnecessarily mean things is quite sad. Granted, the ice cream thing was definitely uncalled for but the others were her probably just trying to be fit in to the existing group dynamic and her way of being grateful for being included in the first place.

I am projecting now, but this thread answers some of my questions as to why I sometimes struggle socially. No matter how genuinely nice and helpful you may try to be, it is sometimes just not enough.

Did you talk to other people on the holiday about how annoying you were finding her OP? Was there some eye-rolling going on? My guess is that she picked up on the fact that she was annoying you (obviously as you've said you were snippy with her at least a couple of times), but she didn't really know what she was doing wrong so she doubled down on trying not to be a 'bother' to anyone.

Your recent posts have you admitting that actually you don't like her, and I think she knows that deep down, but she likes you and your family. If you want to drop her as a friend fine, but hopefully you won't ghost her and you'll giver her honest feedback if she ever asks if she's done something to upset you.

Also - I hope she's not on MN, as I'm sure she will be able to work out this thread is about her if she stumbled across it.

This.

This is sooooo true

I see it especially at funerals and weddings about logistics and arrangements.
its all “no don’t worry your head” “ah no it’s no bother at all” and “sure whatever suits, we’re easy”

and afterwards it’s all “would you not think she’d have a bit of cop on” and “Jesus I couldn’t imagine doing X. Their mother was all together mortified I’d say”

ultimately op it’s your holiday and you want to relax. Her behaviour, to you, was deeply unrelaxing so I just wouldn’t invite her again

I couldn't agree more - if these were passive agressive /manipulative acts it would show in other ways too. She sounds very anxious/eager to please/dare I say kind? She's just broke up with her DP - maybe this or the actual marriage has contributed to these behaviours. I agree it can be irritating, but she probably needs friendship and support at the moment. It's mean to assume she is not genuine.

She sounds like a mate of mine, awful parents and she's always felt unwelcome and unliked so often overcompensates in social situation by putting herself down before others do, not that they ever would've but she's been put down so much it's all she feels she deserves.

You clearly don't like her, I think you're a bit mean tbh, sorry.

Yeah I totally believe this...

She makes conversation with each person when she arrives

Have we really come to a place in society where this is considered a terrible thing?
Also, if a day trip had been arranged to show me a local area and then found out a whole bunch of people I didn’t know were also tagging along, I’d feel super anxious and a bit annoyed.

Yes she ought to be hung drawn and quartered for this.

Agree.

Another one here to say my mum does this and it’s fills me with rage!

The whole “I don’t mind” thing is actually really selfish!!

What would you like to do today? - I don’t mind
Where do you fancy going for dinner? - I don’t mind
Shall we eat in or out? - I don’t mind

It drive me fucking crazy! It’s not helpful, it’s not kind, it puts all the responsibility for arranging and making decisions onto you.

😡😡😡😡😡

It all sounds very stressful & exactly why I relish holidays with just DH & I doing what we want when we want.

That was the right response.

Something similar happened in my workplace many years ago and people said "oh yes you are right we shouldn't go out and spend money when there's a financial crisis" and we didn't have a Christmas lunch. Instead of letting people decide whether to come along or not, or just coming for a drink.

There are people who are serious people pleasers - my MIL would have fallen into that category although perhaps not to this extent - I think she would have remembered about the ice cream after the second day. But it would annoy me too. It can be annoying on a micro level as well. DH asks me if I want strawberry or raspberry ice cream and I genuinely don't mind so I say I don't mind, but he wants me to make a decision

OMG this sounds like someone I know! Im so glad you posted and others have commented some useful tips, it makes me feel sane!