Husband exaggerating AIBU

[herecomesthesunyes]

My husband was retelling a story last night to our teenage boys. I had said “we need to move that piano” (it needs moved back after the room was carpeted). He had said do you realise how hard we’ve tried to move that piano?! I was laughing because as soon as I said it I realised it was a cheeky thing to say. Anyway it was all good humoured. Then the teenage boys came back and he said do you know what mum just said? I was laughing because I knew I was going to get a roasting (again all good fun) and he said “she said you need to move that bloody piano”. Now I had not used the word bloody. And in my view that changed the tone of what I’d said. It was blatantly untrue. I said “I did not say bloody piano”. He’s now embarrassed (he denies this but he did look embarrassed when I said it) and annoyed at my “overreaction” in his view. (He’s a kind man and wouldn’t have done it to make me look bad, it was for story telling effect.)

i said quietly to him when we were walking home that I’d noticed he was increasingly exaggerating stories for effect. I have never mentioned this to him before as I wouldn’t embarrass him. But I notice it. And it annoys me.i find it hard in public when he’s telling these stories as I know he’s embellishing. He also misremembers things (quite conveniently stuff that puts him in a bad light gets changed in his memory over time). Again there’s no malicious intent just human nature but it is annoying and I notice it. We’ve been married 25 years so have a lot of history together.

I am quite sensitive to my kids’ view of me. He’s very easy going and I’m more uptight. We’re on holiday and I’m struggling a bit with smoky and noisy atmospheres when we’re out and the kids have picked up on this. So I am probably even more sensitive to him making me look bad than I would normally be.

so AIBU?

You're a plain facts person married to a story teller. Same in my house but I'm the story teller. If you feel the embellishments change the meaning of the story, calmly remind him of the facts.

And never go to the pub together.

Storytelling isn't "lying."

No, but there's always an objective in the way we re-present things. It sounds as though her DH retells things to make her sound like a nag or a killjoy. Underlying this she is clearly very unhappy about the way she's being treated at home.

@BettyBardMacDonald that’s my point. I don’t correct him normally. Last night was the first time I did it.

I genuinely don’t think he embellished it to make me look bad on purpose. He’s not like that.

I'm glad about this - but you do sound churned up about the dynamics at home and I really feel for you.

Thanks @toenails parenting teens whilst going through the menopause is hard!!!

Don’t be tearful. Teenage boys love to ridicule their mums but you’re still their mum and they love you.

Smash the piano up. It’ll be fun.
Or be reasonable and donate it?

I don't think you're uptight in either wanting the piano moved back or in wanting to be quoted properly and not misrepresented.

Stop telling yourself that you're uptight - it sounds like a narrative that your 'easygoing' DH has created about you.

If he is actually kind and caring tell him what you've told us. That you're struggling and weirdly struggling with how your children perceive you. You don't have to attribute this to the menopause but be honest and clear and say that you just want his back up. He should be positively reinforcing you as a brilliant mum and partner. Make him aware that his little comments and misremembering is chipping away at your self esteem. If he is a good partner he will reflect on this and do better.

I suppose there a bit of empty nest, slipping through my fingers stuff going on too. So I want to present my best self!

Brilliant! Thanks 🥰

I've had this happen where the little embellishments always go in one direction, making you sound just a little more annoyed or complainy or unreasonable than you actually were, all for effect but conveniently not making the speaker look bad but making you look bad, but not so much that then complaining about it doesn't also sound unreasonable.

This is very annoying and you're right to get upset about it and ask him to rein it in. It's not fair and he probably barely notices it because it doesn't make him look bad or affect anyone's perception of him.

Missing the point but could loop earplugs (or another similar brand) help you? They cut down background noise so you can still focus on conversations but the background noise is a much lower level. Might help your anxiety.
And, I’d talk to your husband and say you don’t have any desire to want to police his stories, but can he try and see if from your perspective - it’s no fun always being the butt of the jokes, and it’s making you self conscious, and rubbing off on the boys too, so could he try a more self deprecating style of humour for a bit instead? Eg. If he changed the comment to ‘I said move the bloody piano’. It may be a small change but small things add up. Also, I’d talk to the whole family and say you’d love their support about the asthma issues. You aren’t judging other people smoking, you used to smoke yourself, you are actually just worried about not being able to breathe properly, and that stops eating out being relaxing. So instead of just tolerating this, and making you feel fussy for wanting to relax, if they love and want to support you, they could try asking if you would like to swap seats if so it’s clear they care and don’t think your breathing issues are inconvenient or exaggerated which is how it feels currently and is making you worry about eating out.

My DH does this and I hate it. He was bullied at school and become the class clown so it’s his default.i correct him every time where the ‘story’ involves me.

You were overreacting. He added a word to embellish the story to highlight how ridiculous (?) the suggestion was.

But it's not about this one incident, nor about the embellishment itself. It's about a history of subtle belittling.

Is there? OP said herself she don't think he did it to make her look bad.

He hasn't done anything wrong, the OP is oversensitive, as she herself as said. When you worry too much about what other people think about you, that happens.

No

You've made it that. Funnily enough by exaggerating

OP was clearly ok with the story being at her expense, she took exception to him adding a word she felt made her look bad

OP I thought you were being highly unreasonable and sensitive all the way through this thread.

Gotta admit I don't let truth get in the way of a good story! ;) My kids roll their eyes at my stories. But whatever ...

What jumped out at me was this

I have asthma. I would choose a different table if I see people smoking or change seats if the smoke is bothering me or people playing videos loudly on their phones in restaurants. My children roll their eyes at me if they see me clocking others smoking and if I move seats. Stop judging they say.

I mean what the actual fuck! I have two judgemental awkward teenagers, who at least 90% of the time, hate everything I do and are embarrassed by me.

But this is awful!

I have asthma and if my kids said anything like this to me I would go mental.

Truly awful. There is more going on in your life at the moment and I think you need to have a good think about what it is.

Maybe the piano comment was the straw that broke the camels back!

@NearlySeptember thanks! To be truthful the asthma is a new thing. So they probably don’t really get it. They’ve never seen me struggling. I’ve kept it quiet and underplayed it.

I take on board everyone’s comments. Thanks so much for taking the time to make helpful constructive comments. I think I will have a chat with my husband about backing me up with the teens in respect of eye rolling.

I think he’s got the message about the exaggerating thing so I’m not going to revisit it. I did apologise to him this morning about the argument and embarrassing him. I just said I reacted like that because I felt it made me look bad. I knew there was no ill intent. We’re all good. He is quiet but he’s not feeling great with a bad cold.

Well stop doing that and.more Importantly, why are you doing it ?

It’s just the way I am. I don’t like making a big deal out of my health issues. It’s well managed. I’ve actually come off my steroid inhaler now which is great. So I don’t feel the need to talk to them about it. It’s just smoky atmospheres I won’t tolerate.

If this is the worst think about your bloke you are very blessed...

I am pretty lucky yes.

I don't think you're uptight OP. You sound considerate of your family and aware of your own behaviours.

Does your DH take constructive criticism well? Is there a history of him needing to be number one in the kids eyes and seen as a good guy to everyone else? If you get upset does he say he was only 'joking'?

Would he take it well if the exact same situation happened but in reverse?