To be worried about my husband crying so much?

[notmyna]

I’ve been married 4 years, together for almost 8. From what I can tell we’re very close, in love etc, it’s going well! He’s always been very level emotionally, no-drama type, no huge reactions to anything whether that’s happy news or sad (he’ll obviously smile / laugh if there’s good news and go a bit quiet / give me a hug if sad news, but no celebratory dance whilst punching the air or sobbing has ever happened). We’ve been through obviously our engagement and wedding, family weddings, family divorces, illness of close people etc and still very rational and level headed man, no giant reactions ever.

Now, out of nowhere, he has started choking up at the slightest thing in the last month or so. For example we had a small argument yesterday (over nothing big, just tidiness) - he started crying, when I asked what’s up he just responded that he’s being silly and it’s nothing, he just has a lot on at work (he does, in that he’s busy but his job isn’t at risk, he’s being praised by his boss etc)
Another example - a week ago his colleague made a remark that touched on his insecurity (without the colleague intending any offence I think), something he was teased about at school, and DH told me about it when he got home. I hugged him and said likely nothing was meant by it, it probably wasn’t intended that way, I love him exactly as he is etc and then realised he is full on crying during this hug.
Another time last week he got choked up talking about his grandparent who died years ago. We’ve discussed the grandparent many many times and never has my DH previously got tearful.

Now, I’m not at all anti guys crying. I understand they’re human. I want to support him whatever way I can, which is partly why I'm asking. I probably wouldn’t think much of it if my husband was like this all along. What concerns me is the change. What’s happening? Is he ok? Is there something he can’t tell me? I asked him and he just said he’s fine, it’s nothing, just being silly or just lack of sleep with a toddler. Seems to be something more? We’ve been lacking sleep for years! I don’t want to persistently ask again and again because clearly he doesn’t want to say (or can’t say?!) and I feel the only thing asking more would do is make him shut down more and cry in private.

OP his denial is palpable and at this point seems even more concerning. He's dismissing every line of enquiry and almost every suggestion for support. "Maybe in October - and even then, only if..." isn't a commitment, and I'm sure you've picked up on that. Something is preventing him from either admitting a cause to you, or to himself and then you. Feels like you need to be a snake charmer. It is conceivable that he's genuinely not aware of the root cause of his behavioural and emotional change. On the other hand, he might well be aware but unable to share due to fear or shame, for example. And guilt is learned, often in our earliest years, only to resurface as a defence mechanism in certain situations during adulthood. One thing you can say for certain is that this is somehow a relational difficulty for him - the inability to look intimately with another at something interior. Why that's difficult for him, and why now, you don't know yet, but it's affecting you and as long as he keeps up the denial its effects will continue to impact you. Your anxiety and concern will only grow, along with your frustration, and this is a 'way of being' he learned in relation to someone else once, probably one or both parents. Out of touch with his real feelings, secretive, guilt as a way of relating. He's carrying something very difficult, and potentially destructive, while at the same time channeling a great deal of his energy into work. This has presumably worked for him for years but the cracks may be beginning to show, while at the same time he has enormous commitment to that area of his life.

He's a prime candidate for counselling or psychotherapy, but how you or anyone else would help him to accept that is the question.

I'm hesitant to say it but, maybe you should just ask him which is more important, his family or his career. Because it sounds like he's happy to let you & your little one bear the brunt of whatever is going on. Does work always come first? Why can't he commit to a trip away, why must it have a caveat of 'but work'? You mentioned it's not just tearfulness but he's snappy & short tempered with both of you too. How long are you prepared to put up with that if he refuses to get help.

I'll admit - you're being more patient & less direct than I was when my DH starting taking his work stresses out on us. But eventually he did listen, had he not I couldn't have continued & not because he was being outrageous (he wasn't) but a point-blank refusal to deal with something that's causing hurt & worry to your family would be a deal breaker. You can only bang your head against a wall for so long.

I agree with the framing that it's a career vs family problem. Trouble is, he probably won't! He has been ummersed in this world all his adult life, his friends also. They will constantly be comparing themselves with each other. Doing well at work = manly provider, and he will be in all probability unable to see that there is anything wrong with snapping at you/worrying you with his tears as it's all in service of the number one goal - a (likely even more stressful) new job that is his only possible idea of success.

If this is what's going on (I could of course be miles out) there is a much deeper conversation to be had about shared life values. Because if you are not aligned -either because these are his core values, or because he is too frightened/stubborn to examine himself and his trajectory, then this is how it's going to be.

To explore this perhaps you could change tack next time you have a quiet time eg next Wednesday and start to explore where you see your lives going over the next 10, 20 years, and how that will work for you as a couple and a family, as well as for him as a financial whizzkid

When I first met my husband, I had to work really hard to get him to cry when he’d been taught not to. It’s a healthy emotional response. Last night he cried watching the documentary on Freddie Flintoff. 🥺

However, your husband does not sound well, as others have said. Can you persuade him to speak to his GP?

This. He's a workaholic, and that doesn't ever pan out well. Does he know you don't need him to be a high flyer in finance- really know it? You could get by on far less, relocate etc. Is there the possibility of a different second half of his working life (not saying he'll take it, but is it truly there as a possibility?).

My DD has a similar job and it’s very highly pressured, I think she is showing signs of burnout and this could be the case for your DH. Tearfulness is a sign of being under pressure.