To be worried about my husband crying so much?

[notmyna]

I’ve been married 4 years, together for almost 8. From what I can tell we’re very close, in love etc, it’s going well! He’s always been very level emotionally, no-drama type, no huge reactions to anything whether that’s happy news or sad (he’ll obviously smile / laugh if there’s good news and go a bit quiet / give me a hug if sad news, but no celebratory dance whilst punching the air or sobbing has ever happened). We’ve been through obviously our engagement and wedding, family weddings, family divorces, illness of close people etc and still very rational and level headed man, no giant reactions ever.

Now, out of nowhere, he has started choking up at the slightest thing in the last month or so. For example we had a small argument yesterday (over nothing big, just tidiness) - he started crying, when I asked what’s up he just responded that he’s being silly and it’s nothing, he just has a lot on at work (he does, in that he’s busy but his job isn’t at risk, he’s being praised by his boss etc)
Another example - a week ago his colleague made a remark that touched on his insecurity (without the colleague intending any offence I think), something he was teased about at school, and DH told me about it when he got home. I hugged him and said likely nothing was meant by it, it probably wasn’t intended that way, I love him exactly as he is etc and then realised he is full on crying during this hug.
Another time last week he got choked up talking about his grandparent who died years ago. We’ve discussed the grandparent many many times and never has my DH previously got tearful.

Now, I’m not at all anti guys crying. I understand they’re human. I want to support him whatever way I can, which is partly why I'm asking. I probably wouldn’t think much of it if my husband was like this all along. What concerns me is the change. What’s happening? Is he ok? Is there something he can’t tell me? I asked him and he just said he’s fine, it’s nothing, just being silly or just lack of sleep with a toddler. Seems to be something more? We’ve been lacking sleep for years! I don’t want to persistently ask again and again because clearly he doesn’t want to say (or can’t say?!) and I feel the only thing asking more would do is make him shut down more and cry in private.

My guess is that he’s holding something back. In the edge of his emotions, he is depressed or anxious?

He needs to see a doctor, this is a strong sign of depression.

There is clearly something going on. Make time to sit down with him just the two of you no distractions, and gently press him on it. I think you're right to be worried, and I hope he's OK.

@Nonononoway I honestly don't know... I also don't know how to ask it "are you depressed?"
I've gone through all the "are you ok?" "Is everything alright?" "You seem a bit down" and his answer is yes, nothing up, I'm ok etc. I feel the more I ask the more it'll send the message of "don't cry in front of me" rather than "I'm here for you". I've also given a semi speech of "I love you so much, will always support you however I can, and I'm here for you if you ever want to talk" but his response was very much "oh there's nothing, thanks but what's for dinner anyway?"

Stress hormone levels have to be high for someone to cry, especially when it’s so out of character. I’d be very concerned.

@katmarie how would you go about pressing him on it, without pushing him away?
Aside from things I've said in my post to Nonononoway

Something's changed. Has he ever suffered depression, anxiety, had other MH?
It sounds like he could do with some input from a doctor, maybe a counsellor.
There could be something that happened ages ago that he's buried and it's coming up now for some reason.
I hope you can encourage him to seek help.

@BobbyBiscuits not to my knowledge, no MH issues. He does come from a very boys-don't-show-emotions family so I'm wondering if something suppressed is coming out, but what?!

My DS22 went through this last year. I never knew he could sob… and endlessly.
Pressure. Incredible fear of failure. Third year architecture student at The Bartlett (intense pressure). He’s such an extraordinary young man but the pressure of uni, the all nighters working his backside off, and bumping up against years of historical abuse, just made a seismic impact on his well-being. I would say that your DH is definitely anxious about something and unready to share. This is so hard for you (and him of course). He’s cracking, which is a good thing because he will have to open up. But when? And what is it about? That’s the hard part. Lack of sleep adds even more stress. That’s definitely fuelling the anxiety.
💐

Please make a GP appt asap as it sounds like he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Try to get him out walking in peaceful surroundings and doing mindfulness exercises like deep breathing.

If he is prescribed meds, make sure he takes them in front of you. And don't stop them unless the GP authorises it.

Something is coming up for him, not necessarily major trauma, but early life stuff. Maybe the defences (we all have them) that have generally worked well for him have come unstuck. Presuming he's not got too many present secrets from you, he likely doesn't understand himself what's coming up.
Burnout - stress at work, young family, high expectations of self - or possibly hormonal imbalances could be it too.

Absolutely agree.
This is my DH to a T.
He was always very level and emotionally calm etc and out of nowhere almost he started having panic attacks, crying at the drop of a hat etc.
He was suffering from severe depression and anxiety and trying to bottle it up and hold it back.
Thankfully he got started on some.counseeling fairly quickly - he refused meds, and he's navigating through it but we are now 8 months on from when the panic attacks started so it's not been a short journey x

Lacking sleep for years can eventually lead to problems with mood/ depression/ anxiety.

There doesn’t need to be deep seated issues behind it. Stress and lack of sleep are enough to cause mood problems.
That’s the specific thing he’s mentioned, maybe it’s not just a brush off. You should talk to him about that and maybe ways he could get more sleep (but not by you becoming more sleep deprived instead, I know that might not be possible). If that doesn’t improve things, tell him to make a gp appointment or do it for him.

I'd pick a quiet moment and say pretty firmly: "Look, I know you keep saying nothing is wrong but I have seen a change in you, it's not like you to be so emotional. I love you and I'm really worried. You need to tell me what is going on."

Whatever is up, when someone is clearly not ok asking them if they are ok doesn't usually get the answer you want. If they're not ok they don't know what to say. Might be you have asked him more specifically and every way you can think of and he won't tell you, that's not your fault. Maybe don't ask him if he is ok, acknowledge that you can tell he isn't and tell him you love him either way.

Oh gosh its difficult. I have a dh who suffers with depression and I sometimes have to just wait until it's quiet, just the two of us, and say something like 'right, I know you might not want to talk about this but I'm worried so just hear me out,' and then just explain why I'm worried, with as much kindness as possible, and no judgement at all.

It's not easy though, it really depends on how he might react to it. Sometimes my dh is reluctant to talk, and I sort of have to say my piece and then give him time to process and come back to me. Which can be days sometimes. Sometimes he's clearly dealing with enough anxiety and me adding to it isn't going to help. It's a judgement call. But i will say after the first time you have a chat like that, the next time is easier, and the time after that is easier too.

Has he started taking any medication recently?

There was an incident in my office where 3 colleagues (within months of eachother) suddenly had these outbursts where they cried at the drop of a hat. It turned out they'd all actually been prescribed the same medication. I believe it was for migraines.

I'm ashamed to say our whole office had very stereotypical views in that, it didn't seem something was completely off until the 3rd person (a man) started with the crying too.

Don't ask him "are you ok?" He'll just say yes. Say to him "please tell me what's wrong, let me help you".

Stress? What does having a lot on at work actually mean? Busy getting new, exciting projects off the ground, constantly dealing with difficult colleagues/clients, increase in workload with no end in sight... Some of these things are more stress/anxiety inducing than others.

"I've noticed you crying a lot lately and that's not like you. Why are you crying?"

Try probe gently with questions that do NOT have a "nothing" or "yes or no" answer. You can phrase it as you think best. You have to find out though, something is up.

This is most likely depression or stress in my non-medical and completely unqualified opinion.
I think he will open up if you hold him or do whatever it is that allows him to be free as it sounds like he is right on the edge.

He may well not be going through anything though, he may genuinely have just gotten to a stage where he is comfortable to be this open with you. For some Men they can never be this open even with themselves so it is perhaps a big step which complicates pushing things to strongly when looking for answers.

Ultimately, he's your husband and you're posting here because you're worried. Speak to him.

This was/is me. I have PTSD from horrible hospital experiences where I nearly died a few times, depression and childhood trauma. I had to have a course of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Turns out I also have people pleasing tendencies and tend to take the blame and responsibility for other people's fuck ups because I let them blame me for their actions by not stopping them from fucking up.

I was fine, on the outside, for years, until I got physically unwell. I'd had coping mechanisms all my life until that happened. Then it was crying at everything. A news story, a film, a nice gesture or fuck all really. I had therapy and got over it to an extent but I became suicidally depressed waiting seven months for my "urgent referral" to come through. I only got that because my husband contacted a council carers support agency who sent round a chap, who was horrified at the state I was in, who intervened with my GP who had previously denied me any mental health assistance whatsoever.

Being terribly ill, immobile, alone, isolated and not in control of anything basically jammed up all my coping mechanisms.

Also, some medical conditions can fuck with your mood on a physical chemical level as well as worry you into an emotional, tearful state. I'm not going to mention anything specific because I don’t want to scare you and it can be many conditions or none at all. A heart to heart and a doctors visit would be best right now

He hasn't reached the point where he won't look anybody in the eye, has he? No staring down all the time? That would be a bad sign.

Not normal

Bless him. You need to reassure him, often, that you're there to talk whenever he needs to, and it'll be without judgement. Remind him you're a team and can work through anything that's worrying him - he's not alone.

You could gently suggest he take some sick time off work to de-stress. If he has to visit the GP to get a line, it might be the opportunity he needs to chat to his GP about how he's feeling.

Heightened emotional reactions can be a sign of stress. How is his workload? I know you said his boss is praising him but burnout (particularly on top of lack of sleep and other caring responsibilities at home) can happen even if your boss thinks you're great...sometimes it can add more pressure as if you're the 'one who just gets on with things' its hard to admit you need help