To be worried about my husband crying so much?

[notmyna]

I’ve been married 4 years, together for almost 8. From what I can tell we’re very close, in love etc, it’s going well! He’s always been very level emotionally, no-drama type, no huge reactions to anything whether that’s happy news or sad (he’ll obviously smile / laugh if there’s good news and go a bit quiet / give me a hug if sad news, but no celebratory dance whilst punching the air or sobbing has ever happened). We’ve been through obviously our engagement and wedding, family weddings, family divorces, illness of close people etc and still very rational and level headed man, no giant reactions ever.

Now, out of nowhere, he has started choking up at the slightest thing in the last month or so. For example we had a small argument yesterday (over nothing big, just tidiness) - he started crying, when I asked what’s up he just responded that he’s being silly and it’s nothing, he just has a lot on at work (he does, in that he’s busy but his job isn’t at risk, he’s being praised by his boss etc)
Another example - a week ago his colleague made a remark that touched on his insecurity (without the colleague intending any offence I think), something he was teased about at school, and DH told me about it when he got home. I hugged him and said likely nothing was meant by it, it probably wasn’t intended that way, I love him exactly as he is etc and then realised he is full on crying during this hug.
Another time last week he got choked up talking about his grandparent who died years ago. We’ve discussed the grandparent many many times and never has my DH previously got tearful.

Now, I’m not at all anti guys crying. I understand they’re human. I want to support him whatever way I can, which is partly why I'm asking. I probably wouldn’t think much of it if my husband was like this all along. What concerns me is the change. What’s happening? Is he ok? Is there something he can’t tell me? I asked him and he just said he’s fine, it’s nothing, just being silly or just lack of sleep with a toddler. Seems to be something more? We’ve been lacking sleep for years! I don’t want to persistently ask again and again because clearly he doesn’t want to say (or can’t say?!) and I feel the only thing asking more would do is make him shut down more and cry in private.

It sounds like a combination of things.

How old is he? If he's in his 30's or 40's his testosterone levels will be declining meaning he doesn't react to things in quite the same way as he used to.

Lack of sleep from having kids is an obvious thing.

Work pressures - you may not be getting the full picture given that he comes from a family that traditionally suppresses their emotions. You may find that he has an internal belief that men just get on with things.

Combine all of those and it's quite understandable that he's getting tearful. Throw in a little low-level depression or job-related anxiety and you've got a possible explanation.

I'd definitely recommend a quick trip to the doctors.

@wombat1a he's got friends, yes. Probably sees them once every couple of weeks. But most of his friends are at work - he works in finance, started on a grad scheme and a lot of his best mates are from that grad scheme (or university, but went into working in finance, in the same area of London as him) so they all literally work within walking distance from each other and either meet for lunch or see each other at / after work.

Oh and someone asked about what's stressful about his work. It's not anyone being horrible to him from what I can tell. Just a lot of projects on at once, it's the lead up to a promotion so he's talking on more work to prove himself, none of it is life-or-death type work the way it would be for a surgeon, but expectations of high performance, lots of deadlines type thing.

@LoveSkaMusic yes in his mid 30s

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Which medication?

It could be a sign of uncontrolled high blood pressure or poorly controlled diabetes too. Crying was mum’s first symptom

I don't know op, obviously something going on. My dad became like this after having open heart surgery. Before that the only time I had ever seen him cry was when his dad died. He used to get very emotional over the smallest things after a triple bypass

There may be something going on, but I also know that when a lot of men in my family reached a certain age they became more emotional. I don’t know if it was because they didn’t feel that they needed to be ‘manly’ anymore or whether it was because of a drop in testosterone, but they would cry at stuff they wouldn’t have normally cried at.

I’d definitely still talk to him though as it seems like he’s going through something.

Haven’t read full thread - sharing these if they haven’t already been shared

https://headsupguys.org/mens-depression/symptoms/

https://www.jcmh.org/im-fine-how-to-talk-to-the-men-in-your-life-about-their-mental-health/

I dont think this is necessarily a MH issue, although that cant be ruled out. As I have said before, humans do not have infinite capacity to cope, whatever we kid ourselves, and eventually we find our limit. We are likely to find ourselves being more snappy, impulsive or tearful at these points. If he came from a 'suck it up and be a man' type of family, he probably tries to ignore or suppress difficult feelings, which will inevitably lead to more reactive phases like the one you describe. So, acknowledge he seems more emotionally reactive than usual at the moment, you are there for him if he needs you, and leave it at that.

I had something similar with my H recently. I'll share my experience in the hope that it'll help you and your husband.
He'd become more angry and irritated very much so with the children. I'd asked if he thought he may be depressed. He said no. I left it a few days and asked if we could talk again, I'd asked how he was feeling, and read information about depression from NHS website and asked if he thought any of it sounded like him, he agreed it very much did. I'd then spoke about a friend who was long term taking antidepressants (who we both love) and how I'd previously taken them. I'd talked about wether he wanted his life to improve or stay the same. He booked a docs apt, started antidepressants and has been loads better since.

Whatever it is, I think it's a positive thing that it's manifesting itself in this way rather than him turning to alcohol or gambling or drugs or something, as the majority of men do instead of dealing with things or expressing difficult emotions.

100% agree

Maybe ask him, if counselling is an option, if he finds it hard to talk about things.

Suggest websites such as menkind and the meetsups for men andy's club.

He would 100% say no to anything like GP, counselling etc.
He's very career driven so anything like taking a mental health break wouldn't happen because he always describes it as career limiting and that he would never be promoted again is he "can't handle it"

Sorry, I don't remember the exact medication that was mentioned. I just remember the strange occurrence of those crying at the drop of a hat and the conclusion drawn after it was discussed between them.

The more you describe your husband the more highly strung he sounds to be honest. He sounds like he might be having a mental breakdown.

It would be ideal if he can get some help before that happens, but some people just can’t get help, or don’t know how to, or just won’t get help.

Frame it as he should take action before it does become career limiting.

I know it has only been 2 days since you started this thread but things can spiral very quickly and meds and cbt take time to kick in, so time is of the essence.

I’m suspicious, but only due to a friends DH doing the same. It was the stress of an affair.

I think you should be a bit more forceful OP. He knows he is acting out of character and he’s not being fair on you by not talking or taking some action.

Ok so we KIND OF had a chat yesterday but i don't know if this is it or there's more to it...
My mum has DC every Wednesday evening so we use that time to do something as a couple. Yesterday we went for a picnic somewhere quiet (my suggestion in the hope that we could talk). I phrased it from the angle of "this isn't at all like you, I'm genuinely really concerned and something has changed so what is it". He did the standard "it's really nothing, I don't know what you mean", I explained that what I mean is him being more emotional (and to be honest also more snappy and irritable recently) , suggested we look at the NHS depression symptoms. He is adamant it's absolutely not depression and I think maybe that made him come up with some reasoning, because he was so keen to disprove that it's depression? Because how could he, as a man, be depressed. He said it's just everything at once, he's very busy at work so feels he must perform there, leaves him stressed in the evening so he is snappier with me and DC - at this point he again started crying - when in reality he is so grateful and so proud of me as a mum and our DC being a little growing person, and wishes he could help more. That leaves him feeling guilty that he can't do more to help so in the night when I'm up he feels guilty that it isn't him. More difficult to perform at work when sleep deprived so leaves him feeling more stressed.
After a bit I suggested the doctor and, sadly, that killed the conversation because he absolutely does not need a doctor, this isn't mental health at all, it's just a tiny little period where he's stressed but he's fine, absolutely fine and he's very sorry it's now impacting me so he feels even more guilty.

Feels like progress but also feels a bit like a few steps back if this has made him feel more stressed and guilty.

I did suggest we have a long weekend or something as a family so he could de stress and spend time with DC, we may plan something in October. Subject to work though, he said, which makes me think potentially not.

I feel like it's unlikely but , and maybe I'm just too cynical about life and relationships , I wouldn't rule it out. He's the best husband and dad which makes me think he's probably not cheating. But don't we all think our partner could never cheat... until he does!

@VestPantsandSocks I actually did say this - it could limit his career if his mental state deteriorates (he corrected me that this absolutely isn't a mental health issue, but I let that slide and didn't get into the debate, because he'd just go more quiet if I "accused" him of having MH issues). He does see that if he were to have a mental breakdown or start snapping at people in the office. it wouldn't help his career.
Suggested a little weekend break to give him a breather, gain a bit of calmness and rest and spend time with DC and I. Maybe in October he's said, work dependent.

Well done you, you have started the conversation and that is great. It's good that he has admitted to feeling stressed at work, it's a first step. Don't underestimate the pressure he is feeling and give him opportunities to wind down/quiet time when he's home - maybe download a mindfulness app on your phone and do some meditation sessions when the kids are in bed, it might help with his sleep too. Keep a close eye and revisit the conversation when it seems like a good opportunity to chat. Hopefully sharing his worries with you will help him feel he's not carrying this alone. Remind him that there's absolutely no shame in seeking help for his mental health and he probably knows lots of people who are dealing with it. You are doing great OP, he's lucky to have you 💐

Been through this with my partner

managed to get him to tell me how he was feeling.
in short it was life that was getting him down. Didn’t feel like he could talk to anyone as he felt guilty about making people worry what he was feeling
everyone has their own problems etc

then he would feel massive guilt that there were people in this country who would swap places for someone who has a job, car & can pay their own bills.

never ending cycle

also showed me the note he would leave if he decided to end it all. He found it difficult to express his reasons in doing so.
just didn’t want to continue feeling sad.

not depressed just sad

eventually agreed to pay for private councillor as it’s their job to listen

this was ok but he felt he wasn’t getting a decent relationship with the councillor & he would have to look for someone else.
valid, as there are loads of private professionals if you are willing to pay

@Stephy1886 what happened in the end? Did the counsellor help?

It's almost comical (but at the same time not at all), how adamant DH is that this isn't mental health, he doesn't need a doctor, anything but a doctor, it's not an illness, absolutely not depression. It's almost like a child who doesn't want to get the vaccines or something, willing to do anything to escape, hide behind the sofa, run away etc.

Even meditation - he told me that it's not for him and it wouldn't help. Waste of time even trying it. Wouldn't even do it with me for a laugh / couple activity after DC's bedtime.
I said about taking meds and the fact that he'd be surprised how many people are on antidepressants. Our close friend is. Probably lots of his close friends are. Well, it's not for him. Maybe other people, but definitely not him. How would they help anyway, given that he isn't depressed. 🙄