To be worried about my husband crying so much?

[notmyna]

I’ve been married 4 years, together for almost 8. From what I can tell we’re very close, in love etc, it’s going well! He’s always been very level emotionally, no-drama type, no huge reactions to anything whether that’s happy news or sad (he’ll obviously smile / laugh if there’s good news and go a bit quiet / give me a hug if sad news, but no celebratory dance whilst punching the air or sobbing has ever happened). We’ve been through obviously our engagement and wedding, family weddings, family divorces, illness of close people etc and still very rational and level headed man, no giant reactions ever.

Now, out of nowhere, he has started choking up at the slightest thing in the last month or so. For example we had a small argument yesterday (over nothing big, just tidiness) - he started crying, when I asked what’s up he just responded that he’s being silly and it’s nothing, he just has a lot on at work (he does, in that he’s busy but his job isn’t at risk, he’s being praised by his boss etc)
Another example - a week ago his colleague made a remark that touched on his insecurity (without the colleague intending any offence I think), something he was teased about at school, and DH told me about it when he got home. I hugged him and said likely nothing was meant by it, it probably wasn’t intended that way, I love him exactly as he is etc and then realised he is full on crying during this hug.
Another time last week he got choked up talking about his grandparent who died years ago. We’ve discussed the grandparent many many times and never has my DH previously got tearful.

Now, I’m not at all anti guys crying. I understand they’re human. I want to support him whatever way I can, which is partly why I'm asking. I probably wouldn’t think much of it if my husband was like this all along. What concerns me is the change. What’s happening? Is he ok? Is there something he can’t tell me? I asked him and he just said he’s fine, it’s nothing, just being silly or just lack of sleep with a toddler. Seems to be something more? We’ve been lacking sleep for years! I don’t want to persistently ask again and again because clearly he doesn’t want to say (or can’t say?!) and I feel the only thing asking more would do is make him shut down more and cry in private.

OP, sometimes you do just have to come out and ask it straight. Just like you explained it here.
"(affectionate term of your choosing), I noticed you are being unusually tearful lately. This is ok, I am very on board with you showing your emotions. But you were never like this before and I can't help but worry that this is out of character and something else is going on. I need you to be honest with me. Please don't tell me it is nothing because there is clearly something going on. Are you depressed? Did something happen? Do you think seeing a GP might help? You don't have to talk to me about it but you do have to talk to someone"

My dh tends to bottle things up, thinks its weak to confess to struggling.
Even after 20 years of marriage he hates admitting things are getting to him.
As others have said, find some quiet time, let him know you want to support him and, even if you can't do anything about it personally, you want to hear what's troubling him.

The poor chap. I would be very concerned. Sometimes things can get on top of you and you don't even realise how negatively they are affecting you, and I think this can be even more true with men.

You mentioned you have a toddler, it could just be an accumulation: stress of parenting, stress of work, lack of sleep. Sometimes DCs hitting a particular milestone unlocks a trauma. I'm not saying that it's nothing to worry about at all and 100% agree it needs getting to the bottom of, but it might not be catastrophic; it might just be too many straws on a camel's back.

He's feeling guilty about something else but doesn't know how to bring it up

I think you're right to be concerned by this sudden change in his behaviour. If he has a stressful/high pressure job, it might be that he's struggling with that. It's a very difficult thing for someone to admit, that they're not coping. Please get him to the GP and go in with him and explain your concerns 😟 he is lucky to have you there to support him 💐

I really hope he’s okay. Not dismissing the stress you’ve mentioned, but has he seemed unwell in other ways? I know a few men with thyroid issues who’ve been very emotional leading up to diagnosis & while waiting for the medication to work. I think where it’s more common illness in women & unusual in men it can go under the radar for quite a time

Humans are like sponges. We can suck up a lot of negative situations but eventually we get saturated. And leak. Too much negativity over a long period of time means eventually we will start doing things like this - the other alternative is getting very snappy and irritable.

A good way to get someone to open up is to go for leisurely walks with them. That way your conversation can aimlessly drift around until it casually lands on topics that you may not otherwise be able to confront. Crucially, walking side by side also makes sensitive topics easier to address because you don't have to make eye contact! Plus they can't get away from you easily if you're on a walk haha.

So I'd try to start a new family habit where you go for regular walks in the evening. You may not have a breakthrough on the first walk which is why I suggest making it a regular thing.

Has something changed lately? I stopped drinking alcohol last year and honestly the water works turned on. I cried about everything. I wasn’t depressed. It was just it allowed me to feel for the first time in years. Has something changed with a parent? A close friend? Someone near him received a life changing diagnosis? A visit back to a childhood home that could have triggered memories of something? Finally having closure on something he’s struggled with?

Having a child can be a really emotional experience for people, especially when that child hits a key age when something big happened in your own childhood. I actually didn’t even realise how my eldest hitting a critical age affected me until I was in the thick of it. It didn’t make me depressed, but it brought up stuff that I’d completely buried, even though I hadn’t forgotten it.

I don’t think being emotional necessarily is a sign of depression. It’s a sign of feeling and showing feelings. There are both healthy and not so good things that can open that up.

After you've had a child you become very emotional. Is it just that?

I found having my first child had a noticeable effect on my emotions. It was like a switch had been flicked and i felt anxiety about our child age over empathised with kids and parents. I couldnt watch detective shows and hated violence on TV too. Maybe it if something similar

I was like this when depressed due to bullying at work.

I don't know what the answer is because I did not want to talk about it as it felt like if I talked at home, home was no longer a safe place. There was nothing anyone at home could do either. I really couldn't talk about it.

I went through a stage where I felt no emotion at all, when I started crying I was really rock bottom.

I've moved job now and am much better although I still can't talk about the worst points, and still cry much easier than I ever did. I don't feel on the verge of crying all the time though.
Sleeping tablets for me through some of the worse points because night times were the worst and lack of sleep made it worse still, although the temptation to overdose on them was very strong at times.

Could it be a guilty conscience? Is he trustworthy.

Sometimes it's easier with men to approach it by asking them, when they're feeling open(ish!) if they've been feeling x, y and z

X y and z being the symptoms of depression you've looked up on nhs and silently ticking off in your head

Then you can say, 'well, you know, those are all the symptoms of depression/ anxiety" and urge him to speak to gp if not to you.

That way you're approaching from a logical, more distanced position rather than asking them to look into the abyss of their feelings & try to make sense of it.

There are also support groups and charities for men's mental health and it might be worth speaking with them, or at least giving him the details so he can do so.

In my experience, being direct is the best option for things like this with men. Direct, loving but firm. Had this with both DH & DF regards their health, neither would ring the GP & in the end it took me putting my foot down & saying enough is enough, you need help. In a much nicer way than that of course! But being clear, unemotional, firm & immovable. With DH I gave him the option of calling 111 himself but he refused - so I warned him I'd do it like he was a toddler (this was all in fun), he still refused so I did. Kept it all lighthearted & it turned out he had a very serious lung infection 🤷🏼‍♀️. The key thing is not showing that you are afraid or worried in your tone or behavior, for 'boys don't cry' men I think it's a real struggle to see others fearful for them & they been retreat further. They are meant to protect you, not the other way round, iyswim.

Your DH sounds unwell & like he needs help & support, possibly quickly. You might not be able to help him so just be the loving conduit to him getting help. He might not know what is wrong, he might not be able to tell you so you'll end up in circles asking the same thing to the same responses.

My partner's leg would have to be hanging off by a thread before he'd make a doctor's appointment. I had to physically walk him to the surgery to get him to talk to the receptionist to arrange a call for test results.

Depression can cause bouts of crying.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/depression-in-adults/symptoms/

He needs help.

@MargaretThursday so sorry to hear about what you went through people can be so horrible.

I’d be concerned too.

My husband suffers with anxiety and depression which he has under control and I know if things are getting worse as he has certain tells so we can keep on top of it. A good few years back though I would never have thought he’d be one to suffer with MH issues. His first signs were definitely weeping.

I’d reassure him that you love him and are there for him but you’re worried about him and make a doctors appt.

My other thought sadly was a guilty conscience too, as I’ve seen that play out as tears from nowhere.

Perhaps be a little more factual. Instead of asking what's wrong just tell him he didn't cry all the time like this before and there has been a noticeable change that can't be just nothing.

Listen to what he is telling you. The sleep deprivation is getting to him, what can be done to help with this. He is stressed at work. What can be done to help relieve that stress, exercise? (Would also improve the quality of his sleep) does he need to speak to his boss about work load? Stop nit picking about house work while he is struggling, get a cleaner?

Tell him you've noticed a definite change in his behaviour and his reactions - and that it's frightening you. You're very worried and concerned. Anything so out of character, so out of the ordinary, has a cause. Tell him you need him to make a doctor's appointment as the worrying about him and not understanding the cause of this change is causing you huge anxiety. Perhaps that might help him realise he needs to do something.

@Garedenhelp respectfully, I think it's a perfectly normal thing to ask someone to either put things in the bin / laundry basket as opposed to throw them, or if they insist on throwing, then in case they miss actually go back and put whatever they threw inside rather than leave it lying next to the bin / laundry basket.
I don't think we need a cleaner for this 😄

@SarahWren and others that suggest I take on more of the night shifts - I think with our toddler it's largely coming into the bedroom to get me. I then spend some time putting DC back to sleep. Or on other occasions DC will come in at 6-7am and say they're up, which again means I get up, not DH. His complaint is that he is woken up too during this but understands I have to stay up whereas he goes back to sleep. He doesn't expect me to do any more than I do, and I'm not sure how I could. Him sleeping on the sofa probably wouldn't make him sleep any better... (he knows the option is there)

@Elasticatedtrousers and others suggesting guilty conscience. I think him cheating is unlikely (but don't we all think that all other men do it except ours because he's perfect and he'd never... until they do) purely logistically, time wise and how he is with me, but you never know!

Someone asked if he's started taking any new medicines - no, serious illness in the family - no. Someone said is it the fact he's become a father - he's been a father for years. Hitting a particular milestone - who knows!!

My mum is taking DC out this evening, we have our weekly free evening, nothing huge planned so I think I might cook something, have a relaxed one and try to chat? I've suggested we maybe go for a walk, as someone here advised. Will keep you updated!

Doctor - he would refuse, and if anything I'd push him away with suggesting seeing a doctor.
He's adamant it's nothing, it's all ok, definitely don't need a doctor.

When I phrased it as "it's really worrying me, I love you so much and just want to make sure you're okay, is there anything I can help with? I'm really concerned" (this was shortly after the tidiness argument) he just started crying more because I'm such a caring wife and he's not only making my role as a mum harder because his clothes are lying outside the laundry basket but also causing me concern and worry, on top of worries that I already have as a mum, so... perhaps the "I'm worried" isn't the angle to go from. But I literally AM worried and it seems like the most logical angle to go from?!

There is a big drive on at the moment for 'Answer as a percent' the idea being that instead of saying 'Are you okay' you ask 'How are you as a percentage today'. For some reason men are more likely to give an honest 60%-70% than just the 'Ok'.

Honestly it sounds like your DH is having MH issues (depression etc), does he actually have any friends? Does it spend any time with anyone else outside of work and family? Most men nowdays are totally cut off from friends, they only have work and family and neither of those places do they feel they can share.