MIL insisting DD comes to stay

[sleepoverrubbish]

My MIL has been insisting that DD (aged 12) comes to stay with her for three or four nights.
When we visit we all go and we go as much as we can. We also have an open invite for her to see us literally whenever she likes.

Its not something I understand, even with my own mum who I love and trust completely, DD has only had a sleepover when I gave birth to DS. We just see my Mum altogether and it’s never come up.

I don’t really understand her obsession with it. She has form for getting into massive strops and it feels emotionally manipulative. I also think if she wants a stronger relationship with DD she could actually come visit and help me on a day out as I also have DS aged 10 months but she would never dream of actually being helpful. DD has also said they want their grandmother to visit and would rather they came up than she goes down as she wants to show them our area. She’s excited at the thought of sharing our local haunts with her. Whenever we mention this, grandmother just ignores or laughs.

How would you deal with this? We’ve invited her to visit several times, it’s not an issue with driving as she is happy to drive three hours to us to pick up DD and take her home so another 3 hours. Which I also think is ridiculous at her age. She is 85.

AIBU? I’m exhausted from MILs manipulation. When DS was born she went insane when I said we wanted some space for a week after recovering from a difficult birth. She isn’t helpful so only came to coo over the baby whilst I made her cups of tea and dinner.

Weve had a difficult relationship for years as we are very different people. My own mum is very caring and understanding thankfully and just doesn’t do this, I just don’t know how to handle her.

No ta. Why not come and spend the day? Keep it blunt and have a counter offer.

Whenever we mention this, grandmother just ignores or laughs

There's your answer right there, just ignore or laugh

She can insist all she likes, but it doesn't have to happen. You don't particularly want your daughter to stay with her, and your daughter would rather her grandma came to visit. Let her strop, and stop giving her headspace.

Your DD doesn't want it, you don't want it.

Ignore ignore ignore.

At 85, my dc wouldn't be getting in a car with her under any circumstances tbh.

There's obviously an issue with her staying at your house, especially if she is happy to come to you to pick up!

Does your family have a restricted diet? Not enough space? Only a downstairs bathroom? No downstairs bathroom? Maybe she has a health problem which means that she gets up a lot in the night, or your beds are too soft?

Ask your DH to ask her.

I think at 12 it would be nice for your DD to go and stay with her, especially if she's 85 and unlikely to be functioning at full capacity for that much longer.

Her being emotionally manipulative does not mean you have to pander to it. Just ignore/laugh as she does, or if it is pushed be clear and say no, that doesn't work for you or your daughter but she is of course always welcome to come to you.

I agree that I wouldn’t want my children driven by an 80 year old for long distances.

Whether or not your child goes to stay with her grandparent is really a question of whether she wants to or not. Grandparents aren’t around forever!

In my experience it's the more dominating difficult grandparents who keep going on about them alone time. Probably because they want to do things their way. Other easy going people don't mind.

I think it would be nice for them both to build a separate relationship away from you. I really don't understand why you don't want them to.

I wouldn't want my child in a car driven by an 85 year old for 3 hours, so that would be an outright no. I'd take them to stay for a weekend if that's something they wanted to do.

Keep things vague 'oh we'll try and find a suitable date'. When my MIL insisted that she only wanted my son to stay with her (but not my daughter), we just nodded, talked about it happening one day and then prompted did nothing to facilitate it.

Haaa.. I was about to post a MIL situation and my situation probably will evolve to yours one day!

Just to say I feel for you, from my upbringing, my parents never allow us to stay with our grandparents. The reason is strong and valid, they simply said their children is their responsibility and no one else. That would have concluded everything. If anything gone wrong at the MIL , despite say no ones fault it is still your responsibility - some people may come back and said why you could leave the children to old age elderly who can't take care of the teenage in case of emergency.

I see some other posters said grandparents not here for long, but I see also important to go by your gut feeling. You could either provide comprise - which I think you already have by offering open invitation or just speak the truth , it is how you are as a person. At least you won't have any regret by doing what you feel right!

Keep us posted!

Agree with not wanting a child in a cad for 3 hours with an 85 year old tbh. I know a lot of people scream ageism but their reactions and awareness just are not the same as a younger person.

Your daughter would rather she visits than go stay with her so I would just tell her - no DD doesn't want to stay over but she would love to share all of her hang outs with you. If she doesn't want to take that up then that's her loss

Unless all gps are massive problems I find it bit sad DC never really stayed over. I did week or so every summer holidays from about 5 and we had really good relationships. Most people i know did

Agree with the driving though

Your DH needs to be liaising with his mother not you

Does your DD have sleepovers with friends or other family?

If your dd really wanted to go, and if it was possible to get her there without a 6-hour drive with either a 10-month-old passenger or an 85-yr-old driver, I'd try to make it happen. But it doesn't sound like your dd is that keen, and the transport is an issue.

Yes driving is the biggest issue for me

DH is never on my side.

In fact every single time something like this has come up he’s happily sided with his mother and left me in the situation where I am the ‘baddy’

Im actually starting to hate him for it but that’s another issue.

No, only school

@MumDaisy1980 I will keep you posted!! Sorry you are experiencing the same

Honestly, I find it a bit odd (and a little sad) that that your daughter doesn't have sleepovers with friends or family.

That's not to say she has to have a sleepover with everyone that asks obviously, but spending some extended time together (just them) could be positive for their relationship.

My children see their grandparents frequently, but they still absolutely love a sleepover.

Is it some kind of ideological stance from you on this? Two I can understand but 12!

A six hour round trip with an 85 year old at the wheel would be enough for me to say no.

My parents were reasonably active at 80+, but they tired easily and had a nap at least once a day. MIL’s DH (80) recently drove 2 hours to see family, then 2 hours back a week later, and said it exhausted him and has put him off doing it again. He also said that helping look after DGC was now too much.

What is MIL planning to do with your DD all day? Perhaps her desire to get her to herself has prevented her from actually considering the reality of it.

Sorry your DH is being no help, that’s shit.