MIL insisting DD comes to stay

[sleepoverrubbish]

My MIL has been insisting that DD (aged 12) comes to stay with her for three or four nights.
When we visit we all go and we go as much as we can. We also have an open invite for her to see us literally whenever she likes.

Its not something I understand, even with my own mum who I love and trust completely, DD has only had a sleepover when I gave birth to DS. We just see my Mum altogether and it’s never come up.

I don’t really understand her obsession with it. She has form for getting into massive strops and it feels emotionally manipulative. I also think if she wants a stronger relationship with DD she could actually come visit and help me on a day out as I also have DS aged 10 months but she would never dream of actually being helpful. DD has also said they want their grandmother to visit and would rather they came up than she goes down as she wants to show them our area. She’s excited at the thought of sharing our local haunts with her. Whenever we mention this, grandmother just ignores or laughs.

How would you deal with this? We’ve invited her to visit several times, it’s not an issue with driving as she is happy to drive three hours to us to pick up DD and take her home so another 3 hours. Which I also think is ridiculous at her age. She is 85.

AIBU? I’m exhausted from MILs manipulation. When DS was born she went insane when I said we wanted some space for a week after recovering from a difficult birth. She isn’t helpful so only came to coo over the baby whilst I made her cups of tea and dinner.

Weve had a difficult relationship for years as we are very different people. My own mum is very caring and understanding thankfully and just doesn’t do this, I just don’t know how to handle her.

The daughter doesn't want to. She wants her grandma to cone to theirs. Why do grandparents wants seem to come before the child's?

Would dh make dd go? If not then get him to deal with it, just say to mil, ah you can talk to dh about it, then he can say no. He can be the baddy for once.

Your dd doesn't want to and that's the end of it surely? The driving is a huge NO too. If she brings it up then tell her firmly that dd wants her to come over if she really wants a sleepover. I don't think it's odd at all that some kids don't have sleep overs. I had lots of sleep overs and staying over at cousins and gp's when younger and I can tell you that all I wanted was to be home.

I used to love going to stay with my Grandparents as a child in the holidays and as a result we had a really close relationship. My children have done the same with my parents and in-laws and had a great time. I think it's sad that your daughter hasn't done this by the age of 12! If you're concerned about her driving, can't your husband take her and pick her up?

If DD doesn't want to go, that sounds like the end of the discussion to me. There would be no point to the visit, nobody would enjoy it.

She lauhhs/ignores? Fine. Come back with a counter offer the first time e.g. no, that doesn't work for us but how about you come here in the 12th? Then just don't engage any further, if she brings it up just laugh and change the topic. Just keep doing it.

I also find it odd.

All family relationships should be encouraged. Find a way to make this work so your DD and her grandmother can spend some precious time together.

Your reluctance appears to be a control thing.

Is 12 a typo OP?

The daughter is likely being manipulated into not wanting to as OP can control her.

If the OP was saying 'DD this is great, some 1-2-1 time with your dear gran, get to have adventures ' I bet the DD would go at a drop of a hat.

It's more odd/ sad that she never really has sleepovers with anyone. Obviously she doesn't have to stay with Grandma if she doesn't want to, but no sleepover with her best friend, No sleepover with the other grandma who she sees frequently. Yeah, that's odd.

Your 12 yo DD is old enough to decide whether she wants to stay with her grandmother.

By that age, I can't imagine many wanting to go 3 hrs away to stay 5 days with someone who you don't want driving them, and where they don't know anyone.

It would be different if granny had put in the groundwork and was happy to get to know GD properly and build a relationship in the previous 12 years.

Your MIL doesn't get to insist on anything to do with your child.

Sadly, the wet lettuce husband depot seems to have made yet another delivery.
Why are there so many of them ...

The driving is a rock solid valid reason to say no.

Your daughter doesn't want to.

You've presented workable and preferable alternatives. Keep offering those and saying no to the unwanted visit.

Don't make he le cups of tea or dinner while you have a newborn. Stop this immediately. If she's fit and we'll enough to do a 6 hour round trip, she can make the tea for you.

Keep saying no. Laugh. Reinvite her every time. Insist. "But MIL you MUST, DD really wants you to." Make it really uncomfortable.

I wouldn't be happy with DC being in a car driven by an 85yo who would have driven 6hrs in a day.

A 12 yr old doesn't want to spend multiple days with an 85yr old even if it is grandma and she's already said she'd prefer grandma to visit her area which is lovely as it is.

I had a wonderful time with my Nanny, she was literally my favourite person and I regularly had sleep overs nearly every other weekend from about 7/8 but that was built up from a young age and a mutual love, she's one of my soul mates but my mother wouldn't have forced me to go, some of my other siblings never stayed with her as they didn't want to so I would respect your DDs opinion.

Exactly

She can insist away - if you or your DD don't want this then that's just tough.

As for your OH ........ I would be having words. He sounds a total P in the A.

By the way, I am a grandma to 7. The GC and I have good relationships and when with me they do different things to at home - definitely less active!

I have had some overnight when the parents needed that help - but it is not my right - I would not be demanding this! Why? - because I am a sane adult! (I think!)

How would you deal with this?

Say no-then ignore or laugh.

It isn’t clear from your OP whether she’s been asking and you’ve been saying no, or if you said yes and it’s been happening?

How can she insist!? I she not just inviting or asking?

It's a huge privilege to have grandparents that are alive and want to spend time with grandchildren. Why wouldn't you want your daughter to have this opportunity?

It's, sadly, unlikely that your younger child will get this chance. Why not let it happen for a couple of days?

I’ve just talked to OH about it and he’s got aggressive and started throwing things around the room which is his usual reaction when we argue, so there is no help there whatsoever

Why can't you drop her at your MiLs? I used to stay with my grandparents, and later just Gran. We had great times we'd go on bus trips, take the dog for long walks, make stuff like teasel hedgehogs.

Well that's a much bigger problem than your MIL.

I assume your daughter has seen this behaviour from him? He's aggressive and throwing things, this isn't an enviroment to be bringing children up in.

Say no- and stand your ground.
ignore any nonsense from her.
Emotional manipulators thrive on attention, positive or negative. Don’t give her any.

Why would you let your child stay alone with someone who can have huge tantrums?

Your poor daughter.