MIL insisting DD comes to stay

[sleepoverrubbish]

My MIL has been insisting that DD (aged 12) comes to stay with her for three or four nights.
When we visit we all go and we go as much as we can. We also have an open invite for her to see us literally whenever she likes.

Its not something I understand, even with my own mum who I love and trust completely, DD has only had a sleepover when I gave birth to DS. We just see my Mum altogether and it’s never come up.

I don’t really understand her obsession with it. She has form for getting into massive strops and it feels emotionally manipulative. I also think if she wants a stronger relationship with DD she could actually come visit and help me on a day out as I also have DS aged 10 months but she would never dream of actually being helpful. DD has also said they want their grandmother to visit and would rather they came up than she goes down as she wants to show them our area. She’s excited at the thought of sharing our local haunts with her. Whenever we mention this, grandmother just ignores or laughs.

How would you deal with this? We’ve invited her to visit several times, it’s not an issue with driving as she is happy to drive three hours to us to pick up DD and take her home so another 3 hours. Which I also think is ridiculous at her age. She is 85.

AIBU? I’m exhausted from MILs manipulation. When DS was born she went insane when I said we wanted some space for a week after recovering from a difficult birth. She isn’t helpful so only came to coo over the baby whilst I made her cups of tea and dinner.

Weve had a difficult relationship for years as we are very different people. My own mum is very caring and understanding thankfully and just doesn’t do this, I just don’t know how to handle her.

Well the sleep overs are the least of your problems?

Is he usually such a cunt?

I remember all the wonderful weekends my siblings and cousins spent with my grandmother and my mom was my daughter's bestie and my dad just spoils her and my nephews and they love it ☺️.

I understand not wanting her to drive, but I think it's sad that they've never had time to themselves to develop a close relationship.

Your daughter probably doesn't want to go, because she's not had a chance to develop that closeness and we know the older children get, the more resistant they are being out of their comfort zone 😟.

I thought you were going to say your DD was only a baby/pre schooler! But to never have slept at granny's house by age 12, when it appears granny is interested etc seems odd. Grandparents don't stay forever unfortunately
Do agree on the driving though.

So simple yet brilliant

Does your DD want to go and stay. I first stayed over with my Grandmother when I was 13, we had a lovely time just the 2 of us. She died shortly after, but I still remember that weekend, some 50 years ago. Obviously if you have concerns then don’t let it happen.

Also at that age I wouldn’t want my daughter to be 3 hours away and alone with her in case she was taken ill or …..

If you trust her enough to look after your daughter, she is OK with going, and you want three days to yourself, then you can enable the journey. Your DD might not get another chance to spend time alone with your MIL, and it will give here something to remember.

What is it that makes you not want her to go (if you were to drive and drop her off - totally understand not wanting 85yo nan to drive)?

Would it not help you out to have her stay with her nan for a few days over the holidays?

I'd have thought it could be a nice visit for her at her age.

Send your DH to his mothers for a sleep over permanently, agressive behaviour shouldn’t be tolerated. He sounds like a sulky child who can’t stand up to mummy

I had sleepovers as a child at friends, cousins and grandparents. I didn’t enjoy them at all and preferred to sleep at home. At least twice my DM had to come and collect me during the night. The OP knows her daughter best and she shouldn’t be forced to go.

I second the PPs message which said it’s the dominating grandparents who seem to want alone time with DGC.

@sleepoverrubbish sorry but at 12 years old you cannot even force them to spend time with a separated parent so you cannot do this. daughter doesnt want it anyway and that is what matters.

“DD really prefers being at home. You are welcome to come to us”. Then laugh and ignore.
Your DH is a whole other issue.

All the people saying OP should facilitate this "but I understand about the driving", are you seriously suggesting OP should do two six hour round trips to drop her off and collect her?

Your clear dislike for her is probably why she doesn't want to spend the day with you but wants to drive 3 hours to have a relationship with her grandchild. Your DD likely picks up on your feelings for her which will make her anxious about going alone.
I had amazing relationships with my extended family and loved time alone with them, the bond develops differently with no parents around. It's a shame your children won't experience that.

Is it a generation thing ?- as my IL who had help with childcare have at times gone out there way not to help us.

Anyway we had loads of pressure - and gave in when eldest was nearer 5 and second one 4 due to some emotional pressure/situation - DH took them on the train. Next year youngest was potty trained and wanted to go. I didn't find it great and it's never been needed for childcare and IL do game playing - so I can't speak to the kids entire week - but they came to see it as a second holiday despite not being near a beach.

They still go a teens - get spoilt rotten - get taken on days out - to point DD 18 sorted going herself. Possibly easier for me though as IL don't drive and I know my own parents hated DGP driving us as their driving deteriorated.

I think at 12 with no history of going and her not wanting to try - asking Granny to yours for days out is probably a good compromise.

Get DH to drive her to his mother's house. Get DH to pick her up from his mother's house. That would be non negotiable for me. He is happy for DD to go, so let him do the logistics. If he refuses to drive her there etc. then she doesn't go. You are both her parents and have an equal say.

This way, you are in no way preventing her from going, but you have your criteria which is reasonable I think.

Let DH deal with it.

This .

Because the DD doesn't want to.

Bigger problem than your MIL right there 🙄

This. What if she was suddenly ill or lost concentration. Her reactions at 85 won't be that fast either.

I'd brush it off with a 'She's reached that age where she just wants to be around their friends all the time, as 12 year olds do, don't they? Shall we book in a day out doing something with her, instead?'

It's unfair to pack her off when they're not even close, especially when it's for the MIL, not DD. Four days is quite a long time when she's not stayed there before.

I agree that this is probably what she's seeing her friends do with their GCs and she wants to look better in their eyes.

I will add, I think it's mad how people are jumping on you a bit about you stopping DD having a relationship with her and it being 'sad' that she hasn't had sleepovers with family etc.

People need to understand that although they might have a supportive family, not all of us do!

I'm an only child, without close cousins and a Mum who is too ill to have my son. My MIL is 81 and lives 4 hours away. DS has one Aunt, who doesn't have kids and is off up a mountain every weekend (and fair play to her!).

Do I feel like he's missing out? Not at all. And none of his friends are staying over with family members often, either.

People are coming at this from their own, from the sounds of it pretty lucky (family wise) perspectives when their situation is totally different to OP's.

Even if grandma is healthy and active, she is now at the age when she could, to put it bluntly, wake up dead one morning. I would not want to subject a child to that.

Does DD want to go? At 12, she gets to have a say.

What? You wouldn't send a child to stay with a grand parent for a few days incase they die in the night?? Ffs, I've heard it all now.