To feel in this is unkind

Sweetunicorn · 2024-08-12T20:31:40+00:00

I have moved back to my mums house following some unforeseen circumstances, she just lives with her husband, I’m grateful for them letting me come back home and I pay my way and help with chores etc but she has asked that I don’t sit in the living room in the evening to give them some space. aibu to think this is unfair and unkind as I’m paying to live in my family home I feel I should be welcome to sit with the family in the family room? I have a small bedroom and find it’s very isolated upstairs.

Honestlynotsure · 12/08/2024 21:34

Aw how old are you? Get an evening Job or hobby- use that time wisely and then you're also being social. An evening job would also give you extra money to move back out. I imagine you've been moved out a while and they've just got used to their evenings without you. Try not to let it upset you too much if they're otherwise good parents.

Gymrabbit · 12/08/2024 21:35

That sounds a bit harsh.
reasonable of her to ask you to give them a few evenings of alone time I think but not every night.

MapleTreeValley · 12/08/2024 21:36

I agree that this is a little unkind, to me it gives the impression that they are helping you out but you're not 100% welcome there. I would be looking to move out as soon as you can.

NerrSnerr · 12/08/2024 21:38

How long have you lived there and do you plan to live with them? What is the dynamic like? What are they wanting to do in the evening? Are they trying to watch telly while you're chatting (or vice versa?)

Fargo79 · 12/08/2024 21:40

That's fucking insane. I'm sure you'll get a load of typical MN responses about "their house their rules" but I cannot imagine any of my family members, or other families I know, treating their adult children like this. Even if I think about some of the real awkward buggers I'm acquainted with, I very highly doubt they would be unwilling to have their son or daughter sit in the lounge with them. Absolutely bizarre and quite hurtful for you I should imagine. I'd get moved out ASAP if you can.

MooonDreamerz · 12/08/2024 21:41

That does sound a bit harsh. I can't imagine my parents saying that to me but then everyone is different. Is one of them the kind of person who does need space? Have you been there a while and were you around them all the time?

Original poster

Sweetunicorn · 12/08/2024 21:42

I get that impression too, except they encouraged me to go back home and start over.
I’m 25 so I don’t intent to be here long but long enough to be able to get back on my feet.

OP posts:

Catlord · 12/08/2024 21:47

That's harsh on face value but have there been issues from your side such as disruptions or rows ? What's the relationship like between you, her and her husband? Is it his house? Is there a chance she is trying to prevent you from outstaying your welcome in his eyes?

redalex261 · 12/08/2024 21:49

God, that’s harsh. Does her husband have an issue with you? Are you out at work all day then expected to come home and go to your room? What about weekends and mealtimes?

I suppose it’s reasonable for them to expect some evenings alone after dinner (not every night) if you are in the house all day for instance.

What is your routine? Do you go out in the evening to meet friends?

Perhaps you need to speak to your mum and find out what she’s expecting. If this is their attitude it’s likely they will be asking you to find somewhere else ASAP.

Original poster

Sweetunicorn · 12/08/2024 22:00

redalex261 · 12/08/2024 21:49

God, that’s harsh. Does her husband have an issue with you? Are you out at work all day then expected to come home and go to your room? What about weekends and mealtimes?

I suppose it’s reasonable for them to expect some evenings alone after dinner (not every night) if you are in the house all day for instance.

What is your routine? Do you go out in the evening to meet friends?

Perhaps you need to speak to your mum and find out what she’s expecting. If this is their attitude it’s likely they will be asking you to find somewhere else ASAP.

I am at work all day so not under anyone’s feet, I come home and help out, do whatever needs doing around the house and share cooking, we eat as a family and then they go in the lounge and that’s that.
I was just told I could move back home but they’d like their evenings to themselves so to stay in my room and give them space.
I was asked to come back and start over so I feel like I’ve come back on their say so and been treated as a lodger which is why I wondered if I was valid in feeling this way.

OP posts:

Turophilic · 12/08/2024 22:05

I could understand asking to have the living room to themselves every now and again, but every night? Bloody hell. Our 25yo joins us probably 3 nights a week does his own thing the other nights but that's his choice.

Have you got a TV and computer and comfortable chair in your bedroom, OP, or are you supposed to hide away like a guilty secret.

Eastie77Returns · 12/08/2024 22:07

So every evening after eating you go upstairs and sit in a box room while they are in the front room? How long will you need to stay with them? If it’s at feasible I would consider an evening class, hobby or a job in the evenings to get you out and about. This shouldn’t be your life at 25.

I have to say that when I temporarily moved back to my parents with my DC I intentionally stayed in my room most evenings for various reasons (DC sat downstairs until bedtime as they were happy to watch TV with their grandparents) but it’s very unfair of your parents to give you no choice in the matter.

Ponoka7 · 12/08/2024 22:09

"I was just told I could move back home but they’d like their evenings to themselves so to stay in my room and give them space."
They made the terms clear. It sounds as though they want you to mimic a lodger, which they are entitled to do. It doesn't matter what we think.

Original poster

Sweetunicorn · 12/08/2024 22:10

I have got a tv up here yes, I wouldn’t want to cramp anyone’s style but it’s nice to feel welcome and part of the household, just sometimes.

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Noseybookworm · 12/08/2024 22:13

I think it's reasonable for them to want maybe a couple of evenings a week to themselves but every night is a bit much 😟 can you look for a houseshare somewhere instead? If you're paying your way at home, you can pay somewhere else and not be confined to your room!

Original poster

Sweetunicorn · 12/08/2024 22:21

Noseybookworm · 12/08/2024 22:13

I think it's reasonable for them to want maybe a couple of evenings a week to themselves but every night is a bit much 😟 can you look for a houseshare somewhere instead? If you're paying your way at home, you can pay somewhere else and not be confined to your room!

I can and I think I will have to, I just thought I’d see if others thought this was unusual.

OP posts:

ImikSiMik · 12/08/2024 22:26

I would move out to a house share or similar arrangement since you're paying them but not allowed full use of the house. Move out to a house share or get a bedsit, they're just using you for the rent payment.

betterangels · 12/08/2024 22:26

I was just told I could move back home but they’d like their evenings to themselves so to stay in my room and give them space.

They told you upfront, though?

MonsteraMama · 12/08/2024 22:29

Every night? Yeah, no. I'm the kind of introvert who thrived during lockdown and can go weeks with zero human contact and be fine and even I think that's a bit much. A few evenings a week maybe, sure, everyone needs their downtime. Every night expecting you to just hole up in your room like a teenager is mean.

Legendairy · 12/08/2024 22:32

Fargo79 · 12/08/2024 21:40

That's fucking insane. I'm sure you'll get a load of typical MN responses about "their house their rules" but I cannot imagine any of my family members, or other families I know, treating their adult children like this. Even if I think about some of the real awkward buggers I'm acquainted with, I very highly doubt they would be unwilling to have their son or daughter sit in the lounge with them. Absolutely bizarre and quite hurtful for you I should imagine. I'd get moved out ASAP if you can.

100% this . My parents would love to have us sat with them if we were living there. It's really unkind OP.

fourelementary · 12/08/2024 22:33

They maybe see the family meal together as the time together and then the lounge is their time together. It’s weird but as your mums husband is not your dad, I’m assuming they want some couple time and weren’t expecting to have to share their evenings again once you’d moved out.
Definitely look for another option as if you’re paying your way here how will you save for a move on/out?

lele2221 · 12/08/2024 22:37

I would be hurt if my mum said this to me. I know I would not say it to my daughter if she was in your position. I love my own space and get they want their own time, but to tell you not to sit with them every night is mean.

BobbyBiscuits · 12/08/2024 22:38

It seems a bit unkind to just blanket ban you from ever being there.
I understand they want couples time and have shows they like, but surely they could say 'oh tonight we're watching x so could you make yourself scarce?'
But I guess it is their choice. I guess they might be seeing it like a lodger situation. Where you do pay rent but you're not really meant to spend much time in communal areas. Pretty mean on your mum's part. Maybe it's more driven by her partner?
I hope you can save up and move out soon.

Newnamehiwhodis · 12/08/2024 22:41

If you can’t use the full house, you need to be paying less, just from a logical standpoint.

and from an emotional one: yeah, that’s harsh and it’s bullshit. They encouraged you to move in, but want you to stay away? Fuck that noise

LostTheMarble · 12/08/2024 22:41

It’s shit but I’d joke about giving her the same treatment when she’s elderly. ‘Of course you can live with me mum as long as you stay out of my/the family’s way. I’ll make sure there’s a cosy box room
for you…’.