To feel in this is unkind

[Sweetunicorn]

I have moved back to my mums house following some unforeseen circumstances, she just lives with her husband, I’m grateful for them letting me come back home and I pay my way and help with chores etc but she has asked that I don’t sit in the living room in the evening to give them some space.

aibu to think this is unfair and unkind as I’m paying to live in my family home I feel I should be welcome to sit with the family in the family room?
I have a small bedroom and find it’s very isolated upstairs.

Wow, I can’t believe they are charging you 400 a month, no way you cost that much then make you sit in your room.

get out op. Find someplace else.

I can’t get my head round people who think this is an ok way to treat your child. Or any close family member. It is quite sad really. Nobody should be effectively banished to their bedroom every evening. Nobody wants to go out every night. Sometimes you want to relax at home.

I feel sad for you OP that your mum is treating you like this. It’s not about rent etc; it is sending a message that you are not that important and your wellbeing doesn’t matter that much x

Your mum is massively unreasonable you're paying your way and won't be there long. Probably her husband made this an issue

I think it could be her husband, he likes to sit in silence and watch the telly while my mum scrolls silently through her phone so I think they just see any friendly conversation as disturbance. I’m much more extrovert than them

This could be the issue. I am very introverted this way and need my downtime. I could be autistic but not sure. The point is I would find it very hard for someone to be there every evening if I just wanted to sit and watch tv and not talk. I do it now again if people come over but I'd find it hard if my parents, siblings, stepchildren were there every night.

Them saying this to you is not nice especially when you are paying to be there but I think this is the issue - that they want quiet time and if you are being sociable it's too much every day. Could you speak to your mum about how it makes you feel and maybe say you understand they need their downtime so won't be in their space all the time but is it okay if you sit with them some evenings. If you're very extroverted then it can be too much for an introvert.

I still don't think I'd do this to my children but then again even my husband and I don't sit down in a room together every evening. We do our own thing and like our own space sometimes.

Id resent paying them so maybe find something else and remember how they treated you if they're ever old and ask to move in!

£400 a month is cheap living (certainly in my neck of the woods). Especially if that includes all the bills. What about food? You'd be looking at £900 a month for a room in a shared house without bills or anything where I live.

I assume your mum's DH is not your dad. Her life has moved on and, although she wants to help you out, she must also take care of her own relationship and well being because that's what she'll be left with once you've gone again. Just suck it up and sort your own life out.

I think your final comment shows you may be being overdramatic about this. If you were simply a guest on a short term stay then no doubt they would want to socialise with you.

You talk about starting over which suggests something has gone wrong. They allowed you to move back to start over but set ground rules. Perhaps they do want you to move on sooner rather than later and know if you get your feet too firmly under the table you won't move on.

You do realise you would probably pay double that to sit in your own studio/bedsit though. Why not "start over" elsewhere if this is a big deal to you ?

It does seem very cold, though I guess they are able to set their own rules in their own house.

I think I’d be looking for another billet in your shoes esp with the amount they’re charging.

That's awful OP.

I could understood if they said give then a couple of nights alone but every night?! That is ridiculous

If you did sit in the lounge would you be chatting and trying to talk? Only when I watch TV or read I can't stand it if someone is talking to me. I just wonder if they know from past experience that you'll just chat.

My MIL is a nightmare for chatting when watching TV and she knows it irritates people. It's got to the point where FIL saves certain TV programmes for when she's not around. But yet she still never shuts up when the TV is on.

It's harsh, but I wouldn't want to, anyway.
Was very lucky to be out at 22.
Bloody life dynamics I never got to choose.

£400 per month including bills presumably isn't what you would pay in a shared house with full use of facilities - do your parents work as well? When I have people staying here for several days I too find it exhausting having someone in the lounge every night and the pressure to make conversation etc and the feeling my home isn't my own and I can't relax - the way they have gone about it is a bit abrupt/rude but I can see where they are coming from at least some of the week

I think it could be her husband, he likes to sit in silence and watch the telly while my mum scrolls silently through her phone so I think they just see any friendly conversation as disturbance. I’m much more extrovert than them

Well I think this is the problem really
You're saying friendly conversation but the reality is some people really just don't want this in an evening. Every night in your room obviously sounds a bit shit but if he/they just want to switch off and you keep talking despite being aware that they just want to sit in silence, that can be pretty grating.

Do you go out in the evenings? Hobby/gym/friends?

Can you get a bar job or something - kills two birds, more money and a bit of a social life?

I feel for you. I had to move back in with my parents in my 20s and it was pretty awful. Yes I was very lucky that they put a roof over my head but it really changed how I felt about my childhood home in that it no longer felt like home and I don't really feel any connection to my parents house now at all and I love my own space.
After that I went to uni at 23yrs, I was in a house share and did absolutely everything to not come home in the holidays, either travelling abroad or sometimes staying in halls of residence over the summer. At the end of uni I got married and moved in with my exHusband grateful I didn't have to go back again.
I would be really hurt if my kids felt that way about my home.

Hmm. Due to where I live, I have family stay with us for weeks to months at a time. The part about finishing from work, making conversations over dinner AND making chit chat when all I want is to sit in a bit of silence with a show on is incredibly hard work. Some people love to chat, some people want quiet time and I find that chit chat very annoying. BIL especially loved sitting around us. 3 weeks of that drove me nuts and we haven't had him stay since.

I wouldn't do that to my own child because we are close enough and I love them and their company in a way I don't love anyone else, but her husband is not your dad? You don't even call him step dad? In which case you are not close enough for that and yeah, you need to move out. He's not actually family and is putting up with you for his wife's sake. £400 is very low compared to any shared house so either move out or suck it up.

This is so mean. You are not unreasonable at all.
I hope you find a happier place to be.