To feel in this is unkind

[Sweetunicorn]

I have moved back to my mums house following some unforeseen circumstances, she just lives with her husband, I’m grateful for them letting me come back home and I pay my way and help with chores etc but she has asked that I don’t sit in the living room in the evening to give them some space.

aibu to think this is unfair and unkind as I’m paying to live in my family home I feel I should be welcome to sit with the family in the family room?
I have a small bedroom and find it’s very isolated upstairs.

They can have their alone time in their private space, surely.

OP, I would take it that they want to help you out but they want their space.
Take what is offered and actively look for a room in a shared house with young people.
Try not to take it personally.

How long has your mum's husband lived there? Do you think this is coming from your mum or her husband? I wouldn't do this with my adult kids.

I think it could be her husband, he likes to sit in silence and watch the telly while my mum scrolls silently through her phone so I think they just see any friendly conversation as disturbance. I’m much more extrovert than them.
I think I will look for somewhere else as soon as I’m able and give them space they want permanently and not disturb them ever again.
we had a good relationship when I lived at home before and while I lived away but clearly moving back home has shown me that we aren’t family anymore.

This is a massive overreaction.

I'm 25, and still living at home due to the economy. I know my parents' boundaries and respect them because at the end of the day, no matter how much you're paying to them, it's less than it would cost to live alone and they're doing you a massive favour.

Not wanting to chat in an evening doesn't mean you're no longer family.

Honestly I find it infuriating when someone is chatting while I’m watching something or reading my book. By the time I’ve settled down for the evening I’m tired and just want some quiet. I love my kids to death but sometimes don’t want to chat with them.

I think you’re massively over reacting. When you’re sitting with them do you read the room and recognise that they don’t want conversation or are you interrupting their quiet time?

I agree 100% with boundaries, it couldn’t work without some but there’s a huge difference between being isolated in a tiny box room so you’re out the way and being part of the family in what is the only family room of the house.
I pay £400 a month to go to work all day and sit in a tiny bedroom until bedtime.

Hmm, I can see both sides.

I have an adult DS at home. He wouldn't want to come and sit with me in the evenings every night! He has his own stuff going on. Likewise, I'm happy to sit and chat with him but if it was every night, wanting to chat, I would find it too much.

On the other hand, I couldn't imagine telling him he wasn't welcome at all! That does seem harsh. But if they like to sit quietly and you're wanting to chat all the time, I can see where the issue might be.

You're being over dramatic to say "we aren't a family any more". Maybe just accept that they're different to you? They were kind enough to let you come and stay.

So move out. You're the same age as me and sound so incredibly ungrateful.

I'm sure you can sit with them as long as you don't disturb their evenings? My mum and I do that, we sit together with the telly in the background as we read.

Do you make an effort at weekends? Or is it just during their peaceful time?

I pay £400 a month to go to work all day and sit in a tiny bedroom until bedtime.

Well, no. You pay a pretty low rent to have a comfortable room, the use of fuel, water, the TV licence, internet connection, rubbish collection, cooking and washing facilities, including presumably use of the washing machine etc. etc. Don't get this out of proportion.

This is really sad, I would hate for my child to feel like this in my /our home when he's an adult. Sorry you don't feel welcome or included. Xxx

I agree with this- one or two couples nights is reasonable boundary but never being allowed into the living room is so sad! I agree a house share would help you feel more included

Do you have meals with them? What happens at weekends?

I simply cannot imagine treating my child like this, whatever their age or circumstances. I would find anyone who thinks this is reasonable as very odd indeed.

@Recool at the end of the day, it's their house, not OP's.

She's avoided all questions about what she does at the weekends so I'd imagine she's out at weekends and then expects her parents to entertain her after work

But she’s not a lodger - she’s family!

Can’t get over people who think this is ok - yes it might be technically “fair” but kind, absolutely not. Can you not see that this is essentially saying “we don’t like or want your company?”

All the people who think OP is over-reacting - would you treat your own adult child like this?

God it would break my heart to think any of my kids felt like this because of me.

Make sure she remembers and regrets this when he's gone.

If she was allowed to sit with them she wouldn’t have posted - the whole point of her post is that she’s not allowed to do this!

Why are you comparing your situation to hers when they’re clearly not the same?

I pay £400 a month to go to work all day and sit in a tiny bedroom until bedtime.

You’re only 25. I think this is shocking. I don’t know a single set of parents who would treat their child like this.

I’m really sorry, OP. You’ll get a few Mumsnetters saying this is reasonable and understandable, it’s really not. It’s shit and it’s weird.

Get a house share and get out ASAP. Unfortunately, your relationship will be irreparably damaged by this I suspect.

@BlackCatsForever she says she likes to chat to them, and again, has avoided saying what she does at the weekends.

I expect it's a case of her wanting her parent to entertain her when she's not out with friends and disturbing their peace.

Maybe go pick on someone else to feel better about yourself.

I went back home for one year after uni before permanently moving in with DH and DB boomeranged in and out a few times. The reality was that we had active social lives so weren't in more evenings than we were out getting on with being in our 20s, so the nights that we overlapped with being in and DM being in were nice, and we weren't constantly under each other's feet.

A ban on using the lounge in the evening every night is an unpleasant way to treat an adult child, especially if it only leaves them with a very small bedroom.

Parenting an adult child is much more about friendship than anything else. If you have a relationship of comfortable friendship, the rest of the mutual support will naturally follow. If you infantilise your adult children or alienate them, it will damage the rest of the relationship as it leaves no common ground to rebuild from, and the adult children will learn to crack on with life their own way.

Right ok. Something has gone wrong with your last job/ flat/ relationship (completely normal in your 20s) and they've taken you back in, probably most happy to do so, but they value their peace and quiet of an evening and have managed this in a rather heavy handed way. It's hurtful.

This doesn't mean you're no longer family (your response there is a bit of a giveaway that their side may not just be cruelty, sorry, even if they haven't gone about this perfectly). It does mean, if you're extroverted, make or rekindle local friendships, find hobbies, do things locally. Abide by their rules for now and save for your own place (shared or whatever's suitable).

If you're quite a lively character and they like quiet in an evening the conversation may have gone 'of course Annabel can stay as long as she needs, I wouldn't see her stuck. But as much as I love her, if it's going to be open ended, we need to put some boundaries in place. I need the time to unwind and if it's constant noise and chatter, it'll lead to rows. Best we agree on something beforehand'.

Bear in mind you may have a different threshold of what constitutes noise and chatter to them. I'm introverted but my dad is X10. He has to retire during short visits even. I feel they've gone about this in a harsh way but their side of the story may be that it is trying to keep things cordial without really trying a compromise.

This, absolutely this. You're massively overreacting.

£100 a week, and that includes food - does it include lunch i.e. do you take your food to work or do you buy it out.