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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel in this is unkind

92 replies

Sweetunicorn · 12/08/2024 21:31

I have moved back to my mums house following some unforeseen circumstances, she just lives with her husband, I’m grateful for them letting me come back home and I pay my way and help with chores etc but she has asked that I don’t sit in the living room in the evening to give them some space.

aibu to think this is unfair and unkind as I’m paying to live in my family home I feel I should be welcome to sit with the family in the family room?
I have a small bedroom and find it’s very isolated upstairs.

OP posts:
MSLRT · 12/08/2024 22:44

Must be a stepfather. I can’t ever imagine a father not wanting his daughter in the same room. And your mother is putting a bloke ahead of her daughter. I couldn’t ever imagine doing that either. I definitely would find a house share and not rush to visit them.

Sweetteaplease · 12/08/2024 22:52

Ouch that's harsh, but in some way she's setting that up now so you don't outstay your welcome. I'd try and find some hobbies or go for walks in the evening to get some space for yourself too

Sweetteaplease · 12/08/2024 22:53

I only say this, as I've seen these threads before when it's a stepmother with an adult child at home and this is usually the advice they are told.

BlackCatsForever · 12/08/2024 22:53

That’s just horrible - my parents would never, ever have treated me or my siblings like that and I can’t imagine ever doing it to my own DC. They’re my lovely DC, not just some sort of inconvenience or nuisance.

Not much you can do I guess, but as PP suggested, try to find some activities you can do in the evening. I hope you’re in a position to get your own place soon. And once you have managed to move out I wouldn’t be visiting very often!

Itiswhysofew · 12/08/2024 22:53

My niece has been living with me for a year and mostly spends her evenings in her room. She's got a decent sized bedroom, so she's comfortable. She is very welcome to spend her evenings with me and she sometimes does, but she prefers to be on her own.

I couldn't imagine telling her not to join me in the family room.

OneCoolPearlOP · 12/08/2024 22:54

How cruel of them OP. I couldn't do that to a stranger never mind my own flesh and blood.
It's Ok for them to want some privacy a couple of days a week - but every evening?
So you go out to work, come home then sit in your little box room like a prisoner?
It would be OK if you could at least be somewhere else, maybe the dining room , conservatory etc but if there are no other communal areas it's very harsh.

PainintheProverbial · 12/08/2024 23:01

I love my daughter with every single fibre of my being. She will always take precedence over any man in my home. So no, you’re not being unreasonable at all. Save up and move out and don’t look back.

FortyFacedFuckers · 12/08/2024 23:08

I honestly couldn't imagine ever saying that to my adult child or my mum saying that to me, I would really try to get something else lined up.

Pigeonqueen · 12/08/2024 23:11

My Mum used to do this to me growing up from about age 12ish. It would be her “9pm watershed” time and she’d basically expect me to get lost - I usually just went up to my bedroom. She made it very clear I wasn’t welcome in the living room anymore. It was very isolating. I would never do that to my own dc.

Cliedi · 12/08/2024 23:17

Good lord that’s awful. What a horrible mum. I can’t imagine feeling anything other than delighted if my daughter wanted to spend time with me! is it possibly her husband driving this and being controlling? Any red flags for him?

BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/08/2024 23:20

Thats what happens when stepparents come on the scene. Shame on your mother for going along with this.

SleepPrettyDarling · 12/08/2024 23:21

That’s very harsh. Is your mum trying to encourage you to get out and socialise/exercise/study by making home only a place to stay and sleep? Clumsy if she is. I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

Sinderalla · 12/08/2024 23:23

YANBU
that's a bit unfriendly!
I'd never say that to my daughter

UnNiddeRides · 12/08/2024 23:26

The OP has said that she has a small bedroom (with a television) so assuming she’s confined to a ‘box room’ as a slight stretch. She was told the terms before moving in & presumably knew the room size. I live with my two adult sons & we spend some time alone, some together, so it does seem odd to have this watershed, but I don’t have to factor in time as a couple.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 12/08/2024 23:31

Thats bloody awful. No way would I banish my adult son to his bedroom every evening, so I could spend alone time with a bloke. Shame on her. Bet it’s his idea though… what a fucking pair.

DenimSnails · 12/08/2024 23:35

Unless you're home every night talking their ears off while they try to have a quiet night in - then yes, it's unkind. I'd feel very unwelcome and be looking to move back out asap.

Mojinka · 12/08/2024 23:38

How strange. Family usually doesn't work this way... You aren't a lodger! Can't imagine saying this to my kids, I'd be thrilled they're home again. But maybe there's a backstory.

Relaxd · 12/08/2024 23:42

I don’t think there is an issue with them wanting to spend ‘some’ time as a couple - you are 25 not 15 and assumedly have your own life too by now? I’d also assume you have tact and give them some space sometimes without assuming it all has to involve you, Obviously never being allowed in the lounge seems pretty odd and assuming you don’t make the atmosphere unpleasant, I can’t see why this would be the case - why don’t you ask her the reasons?

SayYesToChocolate · 12/08/2024 23:53

I think it sounds uncomfortable I am sorry to hear this. I had a similar experience with my parents. My dad was relentless making me feel uncomfortable as though I didn’t belong in the house. He had recently retired so I was just in the way. My mum said/did nothing. Weird though, they were upset when I moved out (and never returned) mid-20s with my BF who is now my husband. Meanwhile siblings went back and forward but they didn’t have the rough time I did. I was really low-key too, never went out except to work. I kept my room clean and tidy.

I think sometimes it can just be unpleasant for no logical reason. I agree with posters who suggest to find share accommodation. You should not need to tip toe around your own living space.

Tbry24 · 13/08/2024 00:02

What happens at the weekends? Are you allowed to use the room then? Are you able to make your bedroom nicer?

my adult son lives with me and my partner in our home. He has our small double spare bedroom which when he is here he is usually in ,his choice.

Our house is not very big at all so we’ve tried to get it organised as best as we can as we bought the house thinking it would just be the two of us.My partner wfh in the smallest bedroom.

my son only very occasionally uses the lounge and I’d love a bit of company to be honest. He has his meals separate from us usually (works unsociable hours) either at the table in the lounge or in his room.p, nowhere to sit in the kitchen as too small.

We also have a very small dining room which I’ve changed into a second tiny living area with our old small sofa in it so there’s two separate rooms with sofas in for people to sit in. So I’ve tried my best to make it so we all have a bit of space but we all struggle to find somewhere to relax.

redalex261 · 13/08/2024 00:13

Thanks for reply @Sweetunicorn I agree it’s not unreasonable for them and you to want to spend some time apart in the evenings as posters have mentioned. You are out all day so not hanging round being a plague, and eat as a family, so far so good. It’s the “telling you” you are not welcome in family area EVERY NIGHT instead of the organic “I’m/we’re nipping out to the gym tonight” or “I’m watching TV upstairs” general family conversations most people have.

I get she’s invited you to stay and laid ground rules beforehand, but you’re obviously there because there’s been some kind of problem with your previous home so it’s likely not a good time emotionally for you. It just seems to make the invitation to stay so grudging.

Definitely speak to your mum alone and tell her how you feel. Or maybe find a friend to share with - it’s better than feeling like the poor relation hidden from view.

Pomegranatecarnage · 13/08/2024 00:19

I find that very odd behaviour from your Mum and her husband. Is it your stepfather? Is he controlling?
That would really upset me, and I’d never say that to my kids.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/08/2024 00:44

Who actually owns the house - as you say it's your Mum's house so did she own it before she met her husband - as i guess he is not your father.
Is it your childhood home ?

have you ever lived with both of them before in the house ?

' unforeseen circumstances ' did you ask if you could live there or did your Mum offer ?

how long for - was this discussed beforehand - is it a temp measure or did you think you would be living there for years ?
What were your plans for your future as you moved in ?

Are you paying 50% or 33% of the mortgage/rent or is it owned outright
are you paying 50% or 33% of all the bills.

I guess they are happy / content / used to their own company in the evening, watching whatever they usually watch on TV or reading or doing crossword puzzles or however they usually spend their evening and now having another adult being there is interrupting their evenings, especially if you chat or want a conversation ?

Do either of them work during the day ?

Jumpingthruhoops · 13/08/2024 00:54

OP, it sounds to me like they said you could come back home, in their duty as parents, but they are letting you know loudly and clearly not to get too comfortable.

As others have said, effectively banning you from relaxing in the lounge in the evenings is incredibly mean.

In your shoes, I'd be looking to get out of there as soon as possible - and I wouldn't be in a hurry to go back and visit!

andfinallyhereweare · 13/08/2024 01:15

My dad and his partner love it when I stay I get treated like a queen by both! Thats pretty tough of them. I hope for your sake it’s coming from the husband not your mum.

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