to say that newborns have not read the safer sleep guidelines?

[Lultasway]

My 3 week old baby does not seem to understand that he should be sleeping feet to foot flat on his back in his cot. He would much rather sleep all scrunched up on his tummy on my chest. Nor will he sleep next to me in a safe co sleeping set up - he wants to be on me.

My eldest son (who is much older) used to sleep in any number of places I now understand are deemed unsafe including his car seat, bouncer etc. My DD who is 8 used to sleep brilliantly in her sleepyhead but apparently those are also no longer deemed safe. Swaddles - apparently also no longer deemed safe according to my midwife.

AIBU in thinking surely there can't be many babies happy to sleep flat on their backs alone in a cot as newborns?!

My daughter wouldn't sleep on her back when she was a baby either. She slept a little on her tummy or side, she didn't sleep much except for directly on me. I know that is the old advice and there are still other countries that babies sleep on their bellies so it is not so dangerous, but as a new mum I was very worried about it.

Mine will sleep on his back if I'm holding him. In his cot - forget it. Dummies, white noise, warming the cot - no dice. At this point I'm stumped as to how it's possible for me to get literally any sleep at all and follow the guidelines. I don't have a partner to work in shifts with.

Yeah, babies don't observe guidelines. DD would only sleep on her front on my chest, or on her side next to me, for what felt like months. I tried so many things, even bought a weird swinging baby hammock thing. Nope.
Obviously guidelines are there for a reason, but in some cases all you can do is try to minimise risk and get some sleep.

Look up the Safe Sleep Seven or the safe cosleeping guidelines from the Lullaby Trust. Also join The Beyond Sleep Training Project on Facebook, who I believe have pinned guidelines.

All mammals cosleep, including most humans globally now in addition to most humans historically - it is only a recent minority (and only in some countries) who expect mammalian infants of any species to sleep without a parent.

Japanese children cosleep up to around age seven and SIDS is so rare there it's not a recognised thing. The statistics for cosleeping risk in the UK lump deliberately cosleeping on a firm flat surface with no loose bedding having as no drugs in the same category with drunkenly falling asleep on a sofa with a baby.

If cosleeping is done safely (no pillows, no alcohol, flat sleeping surface etc) it reduces the risk of SIDS because being able to hear an adult breathe helps small babies to regulate their own breathing so they don't fall into respiratory arrest.

All of which is entirely useless to me because DS does not want to sleep next to me, he wants to sleep on me.

I had one like that, we eventually gave up with the cot and co-slept, and in the day was in a sling for naps. Obviously that’s frowned upon too.

Ah, I see that wouldn’t work.

I would be all for co sleeping but it doesn't resolve the issue as baby just wants to sleep on top of me, next to me won't cut it.

And also I have a memory foam mattress that dips which I can't afford to replace.

Yeah they're quite inconsiderate those little things. Rock up having done no research on how to be a baby safely.

Nah I'm kidding of course and can only sympathise with you. Mine slept well in how own bed most of the time but would have periods of refusing to sleep anywhere but on me. Honestly I just sat up with him and scrolled tiktok with headphones (terrible I know but I did learn a ton about astrology for some reason during it)
If I was nodding off I'd wake up my husband but that's no use to you it sounds.
For what it's worth it passed x

I had one like that.

In the daytime to get him to nap I'd have to go on a walk and then come back home and leave him sleeping in his pram on his back in the hallway, the movement of the pram rocked him to sleep. He'd also fall asleep in the car.
At night I'd cluster feed for ages till he fell asleep on my chest and then I could hook him off my boob, slowly lie him down, holding him to my chest and bending down with him and not letting go till he was on the mattress. Like putting down dynamite!
I think he had a really bad startle reflex from googling at the time. It could also be something called silent reflux where they get pain from acid reflux lying on their backs, or wind can be more painful lying flat.

I could never get my ds to sleep anywhere safe either. He liked his car seat, his sling and my chest.

My ex refused to help at nights at all. In the end I moved into the spare room, and ds and I shared a double bed. I didn't get more than about 60 mins uninterrupted sleep in the first year. I got to the point I could bf without opening my eyes or turning the light on.

I'm sure that would be frowned on now but it was the only way to keep the whole household even-tempered. 🙂

Foam wedge or a few pillows to prop you up to a "sitting" position and snooze with him on your chest for a few months. Mine did that for the first 3 months, IIRC. They gradually become less clingy and able to lie down. Personally, I think it had to do with feeding - they generally puked if they were flat in the early days. Gravity helps keep the milk down?

You can't co-sleep with a memory foam mattress - they can over heat apparently.

Mine were happy on the backs/side next to me on side near nipples no pillows and light cover- though HV for second and third claimed that wasn't safe and suggested mosses basket next to me in bed - didn't work for us.

They slept on me in day or in moving pushchair/bouncing chair - but personally wouldn't have been happy with them on me at night as that was supposed to be riskier - but if that only thing that works you'll have to risk assess your situation.

Did when older get them part of night in their cots with grow bags and cluster feeding and lowering them down gently into them and having a safely tilted mattress - as PP describes.

you can absolutely swaddle. Recommended by my midwife, done by another midwife in hospital and then my sister who is an MCA swaddled my DD from day 2.

Love to Dream swaddle up is the best thing we bought as DD got a bit too long for blanket swaddles and could wriggle out.

I think op you judge risks and do what you decide is best. My ds co slept for a good proportion of nights for his first year. This won't last forever, you may look back and miss it sooner than you think. Best of luck,!

https://www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/slings-and-swaddling/swaddling-baby-benefits-risks-and-seven-safety-tips

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/product-information/swaddling-slings/

I think that may be a your MW stance on swaddling than actual UK policy as there site do have safety tips but aren't saying don't do it.

It was suggested to me that a sheepskin baby blanket in cot could help - it didn't for us really but did for some friends babies.

I absolutely could not get my two to sleep on their backs in a cot. Nope.

In their prams being pushed, yes, but not in a cot.

I gave up I’m sorry to say. It might have been dangerous but they wouldn’t sleep on their backs - the minute they were put down that way they woke up.

Both of them are incredibly fidgety sleeps as a 10 and 15 yo but don’t sleep on their backs ever. I know we’re lucky it worked out ok, and I do have a panic sometimes thinking about it.

Sorry you're going through this, DD had awful reflux and wanted to be upright the whole time. I remember seething with rage at the stupid guidelines that didn't take mothers' needs into account.

Find what works for you - DD ended up tummy sleeping in a next to me crib on an incline and that helped me get a few hours sleep a night. I'm sure that would horrify midwives, but I felt there was greater risk to her from me being severely sleep deprived at that point.

My exh refused to help with nights too. He was also very vocal about “oh just put them on their front”.

Apparently his new partner refused to put hers on their front as he tried to insist though (but she did take them out of car seats in a moving car which I had to tell my kids to stop telling me about as I didn’t like to think about it!)

For what it’s worth I would perhaps take baby to see a GP or osteopath. My son suffered so bad laying on his back and it were due to tension in his neck and shoulders, after 4 sessions he was like a new baby and would be okay on his back.

silent reflux is also another reasons hate being on their back, even though he is on his back in your arms he is still a bit on an incline

I would definitely try swaddling as well over anything else, I know at the end of the day you have to do what gets you through but the reality is letting baby sleep on you whilst you are asleep causes SIDS and I wouldn’t risk it no matter what.

try the osteopath, check for silent reflux and try the swaddle

Look at cosleepy on Instagram for information on safer chest sleeping. Mine both slept on me for the first month, them my first spent the best part of the next year in my armpit before moving to a floor bed. My second was less clingy after that initial stint and slept in his own space (sidecar cot) much sooner before also moving to a floor bed. Good luck!

Mine were the same as newborns. We co-slept making sure we followed advice for sleeping safely together. They love sleeping on you because they can hear your heartbeat, which is like when they were in the womb. As soon as they got out of the newborn phase, they were happier sleeping alone. Sometimes dd and I would nap together in the afternoon though. Never had any long term problems with their sleep as a result, both slept through, independently, from around 6 months. I really miss those sleepy cuddles. A precious time, op, enjoy it while it lasts.

I remember my mum saying I was the same - the advice was different then but whatever it was as a baby I did the opposite.

Luckily mine did get the memo and slept in their own cots from the first day. It was a heatwave with my first but when cooler they had sleeping bags which discouraged them from rolling over. I found my eldest on his side occasionally.
Perseverance and routine is key. Just do it over and over and over. It takes a while but it will get through to them then you will be rewarded with peace.

I have a semi serious theory that the reason the Safe Sleep guidelines work is because they stop most babies from actually entering a deep sleep. Mine were both exactly the same, wouldn't actually sleep unless physically on me.