To not want to have fully shared finances after getting married

[NoMoreLimbo]

DP and I are after many years together fully blending our families. Buying a house together and getting married. Both have children from previous relationships.
I do not want to fully blend our finances though. AIBU?

We earn different amounts.

One earning nearly double of the other. I personally think it’s then fair then that the higher earner put in more into the joint financial responsibilities than the lower earner to a ratio that is fair. 2/3 of ‘everything ‘ or whatever it may be.

However, think it’s important that we both maintain some financial freedom.

We have different ‘habits’. He vapes. I don’t. I go for hair and nails a few times a year. He doesn’t. I would feel very claustrophobic if I had to ask ‘permission’ to use money to go for a haircut and he certainly would get annoyed if he had to ask to spend money on vape stuff (which I loathe him doing but that’s by the by here).

I also do not want to have a situation where everything we earn is pooled and we get an allowance. AIBU?

What do others do?

This. He is at the very least being recklessly irresponsible and possibly a cocklodger. Whatever you do, don’t get married.

Plus he wants to chuck in his job and start a business….so I would then in essence support all of us?!

Which is right at the top of his enthusiasm in his head. He has a plan you're going to pay for. Pretty much like what a PP has described using her bloke for.

I'd put it off tbh. Do you really want to bankroll his business? He can start his business while he's still bringing in a wage

See I don't see the fairness in that. Means one person could be slogging their guts out 50 hours a week and yet be left with same amount of personal money as someone who only bothers to work 10 hours

I’m the higher earner. We don’t pool finances and bills etc are split 50/50.

DH could earn more if he wanted to and doesn’t earn less due to childcare. I don’t see why he should have access to the money I have earned, it’s mine. He’s capable of earning more money himself if he wishes.

We've been married nearly 25 years. Never had a joint account. We look at the bills and roughly divide them up. I probably pay a bit more, but I earn more. Works for us.

I think the bigger issue and conversation to be had is about giving up work to set up a business.....as basically yes you will be paying for everything. Is this business even viable? If so is there a reason why he couldn't start it up alongside working which is what many others do?

If you earn double him then it wouldn't be you paying all the bills you work out the total of bills then split by percentage so for double it will be about 65% to his 35% this should leave you both with about the same disposable after putting into a joint account.

I think you'd be nuts to throw your all in with a man who wants to give up his job and then start his own business. Bit convenient for him isn't it.

We have a joint account for joint expenses (mortgage, utilities, food, car, etc) into which we pay in proportion to income. That seems fair - the higher earner pays more of the cost of running a home but also has more to spend/save each month. Apart from joint expenses everything is separate.

Why would either be asking “permission”? That’s not a part of shared finances I’m familiar with.

My grandparents entirely shared finances on one wage. They both had equal access to that wage and respected the limits of their tight budget. They trusted each other.

My parents entirely share finances and one out earned the other 5:1. They both spend as they see fit because they trust each other.

My husband and I entirely share finances. One out earns the other 3:1 and came to the marriage with considerable assets. We both spend as we see fit because we trust each other.

You don’t ask for permission to get nails done or justify any other expenses you deem appropriate. It’s just funded from one pooled source.

Having read your update about him quitting work to start a business… Puts rather a different slant on matters. I’d be keeping my finances separate. You are at different financial life stages and the risk is too high for you.

True, but why would you stay in a relationship with someone who took the piss? DH works more hours than I do but I do the lion's share of the household admin/childcare/cleaning/shopping. It's not just about hours worked in a paid position. We are partners, we made these decisions together.

We have a joint account then pay the same amount into personal accounts as pocket money. It works well for us. We have been living together then married for 25 years.

Same here - joint investments, savings, properties and same personal money.

Our salaries come into our own accounts. I earn more than my husband so it isn't fair that we spilt bills 50/50. So we each have standing orders set up in our personal accounts and 50% of our income gets transferred into the joint account each month.

All our household bills, childcare, etc are paid out of the joint account.

We only have joint accounts (current and savings). Both wages go in, bills come out and we spend whatever we want. We trust each other completely. Obviously if one of us was to make a significant purchase, we would talk about it first. Nowadays, the wages going in are 50/50, once upon a time it was a 75/25 split. There's no "my money", it's "our money". I don't see the point in marriage if finances are to be split and apportioned. Unless we're talking about gambling problems for example...

Because if you then divorce the lazy buggers their earnings are less so get a bigger percentage of assets

DH and I have completely separate current and savings accounts. Nothing shared. Works for us.

Ok, I'm the lazy bugger according to you. Better divorce DH quick so I get some money.

From what you said in a previous post you do the lions share of other stuff which is agreed between yourselves. Bit different from someone taking the piss

We do similar but DH puts in proportionally more as he earns more. We have separate savings but we each know what we both have. Works well for us - has done for 30 years.

See I think this is quite unfair. Imagine someone working 40 hours in a stressful job and the other doing 12 hours in something easy. So why should they both have same spending money

It's how we've worked. Initially I earned a lot less than dh but as my career progressed I eventually earned more. Our individual spend was for things like sweets, coffees etc. Our spare time was usually spent together especially when the children came. We didn't have big ticket items of our own normally when we did we usually had been talking about it for a while then we agreed and bought it.

Pay 50/50
Seems a bit unfair your happy for him to pay a bigger chunk of household expenses
yet want to keep your money

I imagine most people contribute to a joint account and savings accounts (ratio based on earnings) and keep some for themselves.

This is what we do.

Because a marriage is about mutual support. And, ideally, in the situation you describe, the person working less would be looking to work more so that could be more equal too.

As it happens, my OH hasn't earned a penny for several years for health reasons. It's absolutely unthinkable to me that I would try to use this to make our relationship unbalanced by having more spending money, or more say over finances.

Even if we were both earning, but my OH had chosen a less well-paid career, I couldn't be comfortable with jealously keeping my money to myself, and denying them equal joy in frivolous spending.

Why would I want to do that to the person I'd promised to share a life with?