To not want to have fully shared finances after getting married

[NoMoreLimbo]

DP and I are after many years together fully blending our families. Buying a house together and getting married. Both have children from previous relationships.
I do not want to fully blend our finances though. AIBU?

We earn different amounts.

One earning nearly double of the other. I personally think it’s then fair then that the higher earner put in more into the joint financial responsibilities than the lower earner to a ratio that is fair. 2/3 of ‘everything ‘ or whatever it may be.

However, think it’s important that we both maintain some financial freedom.

We have different ‘habits’. He vapes. I don’t. I go for hair and nails a few times a year. He doesn’t. I would feel very claustrophobic if I had to ask ‘permission’ to use money to go for a haircut and he certainly would get annoyed if he had to ask to spend money on vape stuff (which I loathe him doing but that’s by the by here).

I also do not want to have a situation where everything we earn is pooled and we get an allowance. AIBU?

What do others do?

How old are your resprcy
kids?

A lot depends on this, IMO. If you both have U 28s living at home you can’t hope to build a happy household unless all are treated the same from a joint account.

If they have all left home and live independently you might each have different approaches to support, Christmas presents , saving for an house deposit etc.

Completely pooled finances here. We have been married 21 years and have both out-earned the other at various points. All money is family money. We both have credit cards that we use for ‘secret’ spending (buying presents for each other etc!) and pay off. Can see that this would be harder if you’ve had a longer period of financial independence though.

Have you thought about why you want to get married? It would like it would be simpler financially to not get married.

If you want to make a declaration and/or have a big party then maybe consider doing that without the actual legal part.

There are many different ways to do joint finances and so any way that works for you both is ok. YABU to think there is only one way that then requires partners to get permission for day to day regular expenditures. You are blending two families with children from prior relationships so the way you do joint finances are going to reflect this nuance.

For example, when you buy a house together you will likely be tenants in common with a % ownership reflective of how much each of you puts towards deposit and pays on the mortgage. You’d also likely put in your wills that upon your death, your children inherit your share of the house. You wouldn’t want to be joint tenants and your new DH inherits your share and then when he dies only his children inherit the house now would you? (Or vice versa).

You just need to put a bit of thought into how to make finances joint and protect your children’s inheritances.

DP and I both have our salaries paid into our personal accounts. We then each transfer our half of all household costs into a joint account. We used to earn roughly the same which is why we split it evenly, he now earns 1.5x my salary and was happy for us to adjust things but we decided to keep it simple and split 50/50 still but that’s only because I still have enough to enjoy stuff on my disposable income, he just gets to be far more frivolous (and always pays if we’re out somewhere together)!

I’d never combine 100%, I like having the convenience of a joint account but the independence of a personal one too

we don't have shared account neither pay 50/50
He is the man and is working, he pays. There have been times when I needed to ask for money for haircut but many more times he offered it to me and when visiting a big food shop attached, there is always: go love and pick few tops, within reasonable budget.

we are a team and love each other and I work part time and change jobs often always, due to shitty managers or bullies or just physical health issues. I am not giving my hard earned meagre cash away , no way. It is for me and kids if something happens to him or his earning potential. He knew this about me even before getting married, that I need only a man who works, who pays, provides, protects and sacrifices for the whole family.

If I needed someone for just coffee, sex or convo, I would honestly take a woman. LOL. Not even bisexual

We pool everything because we married young when we didn’t have a lot and we earned the same.
In your circumstances, what you describe is what most people do I believe. % of salary goes to a joint account to be used for the household, the rest is kept for personal spends. Just need to be clear what counts as household spend vs personal spend. Alcohol or other expensive supermarket items, petrol, dentist…

Thanks all for your shared personal experiences and thoughts.
There has been a fair few questions but so many I cannot reply and tag each person.
I hope I recall all to answer here.

I am the higher earner of us.

He will however put in more ££ towards the deposit of the house. He also stand to inherit a lot. So he may possibly want to be tenants in common due to this.

However as it is my salary that will pay majority of mortgage and house bills this doesn’t sit right with me. His initial investment will be higher but I’m paying most mortgage/bills?

Plus he wants to chuck in his job and start a business….so I would then in essence support all of us?!

There will (no pun intended) definitely be wills so that all children are protected. They are coming into college age. I am thinking I will set up a fund of sorts in my children’s names where I will save monthly. That way this money will be protected for them. plus of course DP and I need to be protected so whoever is outliving the other will not be turfed out of house to be sold by the children.

@PrettyJunglePlant

He is the man and is working,

He is “the man”?

What happens if the woman (with children) is “the man”? Is is still OK in this scenario for the lower earning partner to change jobs all the time and not contribute financially?

Curious because I am “the man” in this situation and I wouldn’t tolerate this.

Married for years. We get paid into our own account and put a percentage into bill money account, joint savings and individual savings. Roughly the same spending money left over in own accounts.
He knows what I get paid and I k ow what he gets paid. We review once a year

We pooled everything but first marriage for both of us. I would never get married if I have children for a previous relationship. When it comes to costs I would keep separate finances when it comes to kids, a lot of resentment can come from funding the kids but having little say over how those funds are spent.

We get paid (it’s pensions now, but was the same when we worked) into our own accounts, then each pay proportionately into a joint account which covers food, council tax, utilities, house insurance, savings for holidays, replacing domestic appliances, Christmas and family birthdays.

it’s varied over the years who has earned most and thus paid more in - it’s me now and will be forever, and I’m fine with it.

We have in the past undertaken some biggish renovation projects, and I’ve generally contributed more money, while my husband puts in the sweat equity, since he’s good at that stuff and I’m less so.

We each pay our own car, phone, solo social activities and gym/other membership costs, and when do stuff together, we keep an extremely rough In-our-heads-only tally to decide whose turn it is to pay - it’s never been a problem.

I contribute very much so! Buying all my clothes and kids clothes, paying for petrol and food on holidays....etc.

Obviously from a single post I cannot display how we manage finances here. The case is I was 8 years home stay with no shared bank account with him and 0 savings, no pension, so this is why the situation drove me to protect my meagre cash which I now earn, in such a way.

We are very much a very traditional family and in love , staying together forever. However neither him nor me earn a lot or have fancy tastes so we keep the money in separate accounts but still share it somehow in a very fair way

Honestly I wouldn’t other OP. Once the kids have all flown the nest you could revisit but it’s the blended family/costs thing. If you insist on getting married reing fence his capital but then you get whatever equity is accrued by you paying the mortgage. Bills split according to income and then further adjusted for the cost of children. Tbh I don’t see how you benefit from this.

We do exactly as you're proposing. We split household expenses and savings proportionate to income and then our money is our own to do with as we wish.

I never wanted to combine my finances with my husband nor he with me. We've been absolutely fine doing it this way for over 20 years.

Ditto - we pool everything.

There's no my money / his money. We each spend what we want, although bigger purchases we tend to agree on first. We share a credit card.

He earns more than me, but has had periods out of work. In the past, I earned more than him, but took a career break to bring up the kids. Most of the savings are in my name because it's more tax-efficient, but they aren't mine.

@PrettyJunglePlant Fair enough. I suppose it was just the use of the phrase “he is the man” which I found a bit odd. As if he has to contribute more by virtue of the fact he has a Y chromosome.

I would never get married if there were children from previous relationships. I think blended families are stressful and difficult for children.

Glad you asked about changing jobs. I always do my best to stay. People have been racist to me, cutting my contract of 0 h because I nag to be given hours, a father and daughter business taking me out of work, because his daughter wanted my days, etc etc

sorry, this is not my thread, but I am glad I was asked so many more lives are covered , not just the cliched ones

Are you already married?
Being the higher earner puts you in a precarious financial situation should you divorce.
Do you already own a house together or just about to buy together.
When is he likely to come into inheritance? Will this be shared or saved for his children?
What’s the situation with pensions especially if he is wanting to start his own business?
Again, if your pension is bigger he will get some if you divorce.

You don’t need to answer these but have you thought about them. No one likes to think about it but I wish I had before I married.

There are too many things to consider. Are some of the kids living with you? When will you bother retire, how much you have in pensions, etc.

I'd be tempted not to get married and to keep everything separate and very fair. I don't see why the higher earner should pay more although, they could if they wanted, contribute more to extra things like holidays.

What happens in future if one of you gets ill and can't work or if one of you has to use up your savings in care home fees.

Him wanting to start a business while you pay more than him wouldn't sit well with me.

If you already have kids then I wouldn't get married.

Just reread your op and I don’t think you’re yet married? In that case really think about the financial implications.
Have you been married/divorced before. If not, I can tell you now that divorce is messy and screws you financially. As the higher earner you will potentially lose money/pension that could otherwise benefit your kids.
im not saying don’t get married but just go into it with your eyes open

I love DH very much but I'd never pool everything - as you mention, I'd feel weird asking to spend my own money or accounting for it. Others will undoubtedly feel differently, but I'm happier with our discretionary spending being unaccountable to one another. All necessities are via a joint account, with joint savings for surplus, but everything else is independent.