To not want to have fully shared finances after getting married

[NoMoreLimbo]

DP and I are after many years together fully blending our families. Buying a house together and getting married. Both have children from previous relationships.
I do not want to fully blend our finances though. AIBU?

We earn different amounts.

One earning nearly double of the other. I personally think it’s then fair then that the higher earner put in more into the joint financial responsibilities than the lower earner to a ratio that is fair. 2/3 of ‘everything ‘ or whatever it may be.

However, think it’s important that we both maintain some financial freedom.

We have different ‘habits’. He vapes. I don’t. I go for hair and nails a few times a year. He doesn’t. I would feel very claustrophobic if I had to ask ‘permission’ to use money to go for a haircut and he certainly would get annoyed if he had to ask to spend money on vape stuff (which I loathe him doing but that’s by the by here).

I also do not want to have a situation where everything we earn is pooled and we get an allowance. AIBU?

What do others do?

I moved in with my DP of seven years earlier this year with my daughter but on condition that finances and assets remain separate and we never marry. Thankfully my partner is fine with this: I wouldn’t have gone ahead with it otherwise.

Marriage in your situation would be like Russian Roulette. I really wouldn’t.

Do whatever suits you.

We have totally shared finances and 'asking permission' is limited to major expenses such as if I wanted to go on holiday alone. Hairdresser, clothes etc are just normal. I'm sure OH knows when I'm doing these sort of things as we do talk to each other.

As you both have previous relationships it may be more difficult sorting out relationships with step children. I doubt under such circumstances I'd choose to marry.

DH and I don't have a joint account. I am largely a SAHM although do run a small business which brings in some extra money.

He sends me x amount a month to cover nursery, my bills and the food shop. Whatever he has left over is his and whatever I earn in that month is mine plus CB, maintenence from DDs dad and DLA for DS2.

We have the same amount of spare money each month. Neither of us asks permission from the other to spend anything.

We have a joint savings account though.

We pool everything. We check in if a purchase is over £150 or so but it's not permission, it's more a courtesy "oh btw DH, I'm spending £200 on this thing I want". If he said no, which he never has, then it would be more like "hang on, remember we have xyz to pay for so maybe next month would be better". I've always been the lower earner but just about to overtake him now.

This, is it not basically higher earners money is joint, but lower earners money is theirs?

I need help with this too!

Totally pooled finances. How to unpool?

I get the logic of a joint account for mortgage/rent/bills/food/childcare. But what about kids' clothing and activities? Do you do a rough monthly calculation on those things and then each pay a sum into the joint account accordingly?

We've been married for 20+ years. Never shared finances and never had a joint account for anything. I'm the higher earner by a bit.

We each pay some of the bills out of our own accounts. We've never totted it up to see if it is actually equal but I think it is roughly. Seems to have worked fine for us.

I also do not want to have a situation where everything we earn is pooled and we get an allowance.

Why not? Surely the point of marriage is to share your life and your assets with your spouse (it’s in the vows), if not just remain partners. It’s kind of like saying “I want the social recognition of marriage but don’t actually want to put my money where my mouth is”.

I can’t imagine a situation where I’d be happy for my spouse to have less disposable income than me or vice versa, pretty grim if you ask me.

ETA: we pool everything and then have equal personal spending for haircuts, presents, whatever frivolities we want with no accountability to the other for that.

With each having kids hair cuts and vape stuff are the least potentially controversial issues. Is one receiving child support while the other pays it? Are the kids very different ages? What about life insurance and wills? Is the house going to be owned equally? You don’t need to answer but you’re right to keep things separate or separate-ish as you’ll always have different approaches to some things.

When we married eight years ago his credit rating wasn't great, mine was very high. I didn't want to combine finances as it would have inpacted my credit. I've helped him get his high now as well but we still haven't combined as we've set ourselves up to be used to it. All the bills are in my name, he transfers me across his share of the bills. It's really not a big deal.

Eventually he'll be added to my mortgage (once he is no longer self employed as its a headache), and at that point we'll technically be shared I suppose. But it's never caused an issue and we'll discuss all large household expenditures together.

No joint account here
He moved into my house
All the bills were already set up
He pays a set amount in every month
We have our own accounts for everything else.

I never joined finances. Not even a joint bill account. We each pay bills in proportion to our income and our own personal bills. It works for us.

I'd get the utter horrors at a shared bank account. There's no need these days

We have never had a joint account apart from the let’s save up to get married account which was drained 25 years ago and a small amount left in which we keep as a bit of an in joke. Whoever outlives the other is to use it for a very nice memorial dinner alone and to toast the other. There is some moving around of money so it’s fairer, we both invest and are not impulse buyers and have the same outlook on finances which is important.

At that stage of life with no chance of a child if I was the much higher earner there is no way I would be marrying.

Consider when first spouse dies and if everything goes to new spouse and ultimately will they leave everything to their own children. Happened to a friend of mine, her stepsisters got everything and almost all assets were amassed by her Dad. Get wills sorted so this can’t happen.

I voted YABU on the basis that you are married/getting married.

I actually agree with your way of doing it but that’s not what marriage is. It’s why I haven’t married and never would. I want my independence.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable.

We have a joint account for bills and household expenses like food. We pay in a set amount each every month to cover our usual bills and household outgoings based on a proportion of our wage - DH pays about 60% and I pay 40%. We also pay in a little extra to build a buffer for unexpected stuff, like repairs.

Everything else is our own money to do what we like with and stays in our own accounts.

This.100%. DH and I have been married 21 years and pool all our money. In that time he’s earned 3x more than me, the same as me, less than me, and been unemployed. At no point has either of asked, or been expected to ask, permission to spend money.

Honestly, in your situation op I wouldn’t get married, what’s the point if you don’t want to share assets which is essentially the entire point of marriage.

Buy your house as tenants in common not joint tenants. You can then leave your share to whoever you like. If you buy as joint tenants it automatically goes to the other owner and this overrides any will

If you don't want to fully merge your finances, don't get married. Marriage is essentially a contract that does exactly this. Even if you keep your own accounts, anything in them is martial property and considered to belong to you both.

You could try going into marriage with a well-written pre-nup, but they aren't enforceable in England and Wales.

Totally. Unless one partner is not working for a long period of time, which is what marriage is for. But in a modern scenario with two working partners there’s no upside and too much risk.

All income goes into one joint account, all bills/savings come out of that and we pay ourselves an equal amount each of spending money.

Joint account only for bills and savings - pay a fixed amount based on what we both earn. Then we have our own money and spend that. That way no rows on what i spend on shoes and vice versa. We have same goals for money and also support each other when either is not working for what ever reason. However we have no kids and wont be having any so think that makes a huge difference on finances

On another note i couldn't be with someone who vapes nor even contemplating having children with them There is no reason what so ever to vape at all

I think you do what you feel comfortable with. Different people prefer different set ups as long as one person isn't financially worse off (you see it alot here of mum in overdraft whilst DH/DP is buying luxury goods) then do what suits your set up best.

FWIW we do exactly as you describe and don't have previous children but spending habit wise is very different. So we add up all costs then do a ratio based on take home. Everything else left is to do as they wish mine goes into savings my DH saves some then buys gadgets. It works well for us as I have zero issue with whatever the latest (stupid) thing is he wants to buy and likewise he doesn't care if I have a meal out with friends or give some money to by DN for driving lessons.

We're not married, but we are a blended family. Together 12 years, bought a house 3 years ago, two teenagers each, two here full time.

We added up all the bills, utilities, mortgage, food, Sky, etc, and then we put a sum into the joint account proportionate to our salaries. He earns three times more than me, so we put in that % (we both work full time)

Our salaries are paid into our personal accounts, then we transfer to the joint on the 1st of the month.

Works for us.

I’m haven’t read the whole thread but have you thought about wills and what will happen if/when one of you dies?

If You are married then upon death everything will go to the spouse. Are each of your children provided for? Do they currently live with you?

Its why I wouldn’t get married again as I want to protect my money for my kids.

Blended family here, married 7 years ago. We brought home together a couple of years ago, that isn’t owned in equal shares, instead 2/3 & 1/3 with right for each other to remain in the home until we die with the shares ultimately going not our individual children, the split is roughly representative of what we put in, but not exact, not concerned to that level of detail. Day to day we pool our money. All gets paid into a joint bank account. Neither of us ask permission to spend the money, unless it’s a for a big ticket item, examples I can think of are things like a motorbike purchase or designer handbag. It works well for us.
The only things I can think that we may encounter (but hasn’t been an issue particularly yet) is if one of our respective kids (now adults) needing help financially, that may well cause contention.
I personally couldn’t bare to have an allowance to spend or have financial inequality within a marriage. Maybe I’m fortunate in that I earn a good salary and brought more assets into the marriage, so not living off of anyone else income. My husband has far better pension provisions for me, so will no doubt support more in retirement. It’s all swings and roundabouts.