To not want to have fully shared finances after getting married

[NoMoreLimbo]

DP and I are after many years together fully blending our families. Buying a house together and getting married. Both have children from previous relationships.
I do not want to fully blend our finances though. AIBU?

We earn different amounts.

One earning nearly double of the other. I personally think it’s then fair then that the higher earner put in more into the joint financial responsibilities than the lower earner to a ratio that is fair. 2/3 of ‘everything ‘ or whatever it may be.

However, think it’s important that we both maintain some financial freedom.

We have different ‘habits’. He vapes. I don’t. I go for hair and nails a few times a year. He doesn’t. I would feel very claustrophobic if I had to ask ‘permission’ to use money to go for a haircut and he certainly would get annoyed if he had to ask to spend money on vape stuff (which I loathe him doing but that’s by the by here).

I also do not want to have a situation where everything we earn is pooled and we get an allowance. AIBU?

What do others do?

If I were you - either you, OP, or your DP, I wouldn't bother getting married.

Get legal and financial advice instead and agree mutually satisfactory financial arrangements re property and living costs etc. Also get wills done and while you're at it, you should also both think about Power of Attorney.

Dp and I get married in a week. We won't be blending finances at all.

The house is mine, there is a prenup (all legally done before anyone chimes up that they are not recognised in the uk) so it remains mine and he has no stake in it should we not work out.

I transfer mortgage. Oney into a separate account that he has no access to and he pays me into my day to day account for his share of bills.

We have both been burned before. Following extensive and expensive legal advice we are happy with our choices.

Doesn't matter what anyone else does, do what you feel us best for you. No one IRL ever discusses thus stuff anyway!

We are married and have our own accounts where our salaries are paid into (although we have just made everything joint so that the other one can access all monies if something happens to the other one).

We then have a joint account we both pay into to cover household bills, food, fuel, car insurance etc. DH pays more in as he earns more.

There is another joint account we save into.

After that, what's left in our own accounts is our individual money.

Also are you on the same page with regards to supporting kids financially? What if one/some go to uni? If you can afford to support yours, will you support his? If not uni, then help with house deposits etc.

Bevause potentially it could cause ructions between the step siblings if some are more financially supported than others.

can you revisit buying a house/getting married once they are all older?

@tissueboxandcandles in this instance I hope there will be no stress for the children. They all get along very well and meet up on their own accord outside of when we all come together. They have wanted this for a long time.
@QueenCremant not married yet nor is the house purchased. I do want to protect myself as much as possible but also am entering into this with open eyes.
We do want to get married but will be seeing lawyers etc to get things drawn up properly.

That isn't how a proportionate split works. If the household expenses are say 25% of the total combined income then you each pay 25% of your income to them.

If the bills come to £2k and you have 1 person earning £2.5k and the other £6k, they'd pay £600 and £1400, leaving them with £1900 and £4600 respectively.

@NoMoreLimbo you need legal advice on what getting married means for your financial position. Particularly if your partner is planning to become self-employed.

In your shoes, I would not get married without legal advice on the implications. It might be that you are better to hold off on marriage until the children are adults.

Once you are married everything is 50:50. You don't have much choice unless you pay for legal advice, do pre- nups, make sure you each do a new will the minute you are married, make sure you sort out the beneficiaries of your life insurance and pension.

I would totaly up the house bills and add a buffer for unexpected costs and then each put into a joint account to cover it proportionally to your salary.

I would ring fence each deposit. And either

Pool money together, pay bills, put agreed amount in savings then split remainder.

Or

Pay a ratio each into bills reflective of earnings. Keep remainder

We half arsed joint finances and it ended up a disaster. It's not good to not have full visibility of your joint financial situation IMO.
We are now in the process of going full joint account, joint responsibilities/ savings paid for out of that then each having our own spends to save/fritter as we please.
Spouses shouldn't have different standards of living IMO. It has caused alot of resentment here.

DH earns twice what I do.

We split the household bills so we pay an amount in line with our income and anything after that stays in our personal accounts. However, if we need money from each other we just ask and send it.

DH is rubbish at saving, so I do all the saving. But despite having separate bank accounts it's all OUR money.

I don't agree with "one person earns much more, therefore they pay much more" unless one person is doing the childcare and that's the only reason they earn less. You both have equal use of the same property. You're benefitting more from them earning more if you don't both pay equal shares.

We keep our finances separate, pay jointly for things that are joint, and talk to the other if we're planning to buy something over £1k.

Plus he wants to chuck in his job and start a business….so I would then in essence support all of us?!

I think you’d be utterly mad to marry him in these circumstances.

Also, the general rule of thumb is that a spouse should be no worse off on death than divorce, so there can be legal challenges to leaving all your assets directly to your children if you remarry.

One joint account that we do a 60/40 share of all household and children bills. One shared savings account for all children activities and things we need to save for that one puts £100 and the other £50. But the other £50 goes into childcare vouches so it is equal.

One shared savings for holiday that we put anything we have randomly made money from (drum kit, old books and computers).

The rest is ours to do with what we want. I add 50 to each of the children's pensions and 50 to jisa each month and try and save 50 each month.

I don't understand why you're getting married. What's the point? Easier to keep everything separate.

You don't have to. We have been married 30+ years, and never had a joint bank account, just two single ones. Also separate credit cards.
(Did have a joint mortgage though).
You just have to agree who pays for what (eg I do all bills & food; he does big ticket stuff, cars, holidays) and then you hardly ever need to discuss money again. It works perfectly, and I would never want a joint account, and to have to account for every £ that I spend.

We don't have his or my money, it's all in and has been since we got married. Marriage is supposed to be about being all in for the good of each other, it's not 50/50 it's 100/100! Each giving their best not half.

We run things by each other about planned spends or bigger spends but neither if us have any issues with overspending or addictions, selfish wants etc. We do a budget so know roughly what's what.

I honestly don't get why people don't do this, I have friends who squabble over how many of the bags of crisps one ate and who owes who. Your situation does sound more complicated though. Are you the high earner and you don't want to share your income? If so, why are you marrying?

We’re married with two DC and quite lucky I guess in that we have always earnt around the same amount. We put the same amount each in the joint account which pays for bills, nursery, rent, food shops etc. We each put £100 a month into the savings account and another £50 each into an account we use for things the kids need eg uniform. Then whatever is left in our account is our own.

So how would you deal with the example above where joint bills come to 2k, one person earns 2,5 and another 6k? If the bills are split equally, then one person is left with 1k and another with 5k. They plan to go on holiday which costs 5k. One person can pay their share immediately out of their salary and have money left over. The other person has to go without ANY personal spend and save for 2,5 months to afford their share of the holiday.
Doesn't sound fair either.
Ultimately, it is up to every family. My partner is happy to pay 75% even though, arguably, I use the property more because I work from home. His earning potential is massive. I am in a professional job which I love but which has a pay ceiling. If he was insisting I find another job just because I don't have child rearing responsibilities, I would simply leave.

If l were in your shoes l would not marry, or share any finances or a home,
he wants to give up his job....and live off you.....enough said

@NoMoreLimbo after reading your update, I would scrap the marriage idea. If you partner is planning to be self-employed, your own assets are at risk. That's a second reason why we are not married. My partner is a sole proprietor and, should something happen (i.e. if he was taken to court, went bankrupt etc.), we would be jointly responsible. Only consider it if your partner registers as limited company so his (and your) personal assets are protected.

We pay 50 / 50 into a joint account to cover all household expenses - mortgage. Bills, kids' stuff, food.

The rest is ours to do what we want with. We earn roughly similar now but when we have learnt differently eg me on mat leave, him training we have adjusted the % accordingly.

I know it very all money is family money biased here but I would hate it.

I agree I think that marriage may not be the best option

get some legal advice and set out what you want in terms of rights and what you don’t want - marriage does give lots of rights but I think for you you don’t want or need all of them. Next of kin for example you can do - the rights you want can be done legally without marriage.

Then in terms of the house I would proceed with some caution given the misaligned deposit and mortgage and get proper legal advice for that. What happens if one of you dies and inheritance for the children

When DH and I got married we pooled our money and have never looked back. We don't have an allowance, we just spend. It helps that we both have similar ideas on money, but if we want to buy something that is more money than regular spending (e.g. I wouldn't tell DH I was going for a regular haircut, but I would if I was paying for a £150ish highlights, tone and restyle...not asking permission as such, just telling him) we tell each other. Just so one another are aware of the outgoing I suppose. DH has always bought lunch out when he's in the office, I have always had occasional coffees out with friends as a sahm... So we give and take I suppose. But everything we have is shared. I trust him and he trusts me.

To add: I do some part time work, but primarily look after the kids. He earns 6x what I do! When we got married he was earning about 1.5-2 x my salary.