All my male family members are t**ts!!!

[Ffffffkkkkkksksks]

Im the only female im my immediate family. I only have brothers, a dad, an exh and two sons. None of them fucking help me out with ANYTHING unless they benefit from it somehow! Im fucking fed up with it!
Im always available for them. I help with pets, moving house, visits, make an effort but just now I asked my 12 yo ds to go pick up flour from the bloody shop arpund the corner and he asked whats in it for me and threw such a fit the neighbours heard it outside and now i feel like the bad mom for loosing it too.
Im just so fed up. Im baking a fucking cake for the dc and they throw a fit about picking up flour from the shop! For the cake! Thats he's going to eat!
The only people who mutually ever help me are my FEMALE friends and the Angel of a man next door. Why cant they all be like him?! Why am i cursed with a circle of self-absorbed twats as a family?!
Also, im going away soon and asked my exh if he looked after the family cats for me (that he lived with for 10 years before divorce) because ive looked after his dog many times for him. He said no. My brother is in town and has nothing but time in his hands, but i know the answer already. It will be an awkward no. Even though im storing the contents of his flat im my house for him!! (he works abroad mostly).
Ive lost it this morning with the ds and will apologise when he's back, but i really dont want them to be like all the other selfish nales in this family. Aibu?
(If anyone must know, i didn't go to the shop myself because theres another cake in the oven and i ran out of ingredients. But surely this is not a big ask?)

What expectations do you have of your son? He isn’t a mind reader. He will absorb everything around him. Not merely the words you speak but the actions you take. Complaining about the ingratitude of others is undermined when you accommodate their sense of entitlement. .
Now if the person you are helping is unwell or suffering with dementia that’s one thing, but it’s quite another to facilitate your own abuse. Maybe you need to say to your son ‘I’m a doormat and my male relatives treat me badly and exploit me…and they have abused me emotionally and damaged me and I fear that you are going the same way’.
Well isn’t that how you feel?. Of course you could say NO but you keep saying YES and you wonder why the CF are still getting away with it? Come on…..What advice would a wise friend give you? Stop and think and act in your own best interest and in the knowledge that you should be a role model not a doormat to your son. Even if the others are a hopeless case you must want more for your son? What sort of a partner/parent will he be, when he’s seen his Mum facilitating chauvinism? Try and have a plan for the next 3months …made up of ‘I’m NOT available and you will treat me with courtesy and respect’ then do it for the following 3 months. People will get the message.
Wishing you the best.

@tolerable Love your post ❤️ Why is it always the womens fault if men behave badly?! Its always a question of 'why do you let them' etc..

I'm glad you were able to translate that I most definitely couldn't

People in general are nice. Cheeky fuckers are not and tend to treat us as badly as we let them. So, don't let them.

You sounds like you’re doing an amazing job in tough circumstances. Maybe be a bit kinder to yourself about your sons? They will grow up with a strong female role model and that should sink in along with you teaching them to be good men.

And find a good cat-sitter! (Ours is amazing but gets booked up)

It's not men v women OP. This is about PEOPLE taking the piss and the PEOPLE who let them by lying down and taking it.

The sexes of those involved is really irrelevant.

Oh come on.

When I need anything, it's one sex offering. I've had two women offer to take the dog while we're away, when I need baby-sitting, when I need support, when my parents need anything. One sex of people. And even when my parents need something my MALE brother does nothing and my FEMALE cousins offer. One step removed and they're nicer.

There are nice men in the world but the expectations on their levels of support is zero. Women it's 100.

It's not help if it's part of family life. Stop doing stuff and make them do their own stuff.

You're not teaching by example at this point, you're just a doormat, because you know they don't give a shit.

Stop doing anything for any of them. Just stop. Do nothing. Offer nothing. Just look after yourself. When they complain, explain it to them. Ad nauseum. Until they change.

I saw this and your other updates. I suspect your son having a meltdown over getting flower for a cake he will eat as well, was the straw that broke the camel's back and you wanted a bit of a rant. Which I fully understand.

That said, I do not think providing an example for your sons is by letting them or other men walk all over you. So tell your brother to pick up his stuff (or you can put it on ebay if he doesn't) and never walk the dog for your husband again. You can be helpful to other people without being taken advantage of. I think you are already doing better with your sons seeing as they do chores.

But I think for your own sanity and well-being as well as providing them with an example of of how the world works is setting conditions on your help. So if they want a cake they can get the ingredients or they take their turn cooking, etc. It seems that in a way you are already doing that, but I think that getting ahead of this before losing your shit will be better for your entire household.

I would quietly pull back. Ask them to go to the shop for flour. They say now. You just stop baking the cake and do something else. When they ask where is the cake, you say you have no flour so there isn't one. No screaming or shouting, it's just facts.

This isn't your fault, but all this environment is teaching your DC is that women are there to be helpful, supportive and put everyone else first, whilst men get to be selfish and look out for number one.

Put a stop to that narrative and create a new one by putting yourself first and saying no to things. Let them see that selfishness has consequences and that good relationships are built on mutuality, that you can't take unless you also give. I completely understand that you're trying to set a good example, but the current situation is so gendered all it's showing them is that male self-interest pays off.

The only thing you can "let" anyone do is take advantage of you. So don't let them do that.

The rest of their behaviour is on them.

Your son's, however, is as much on you as their dad. It's upto you to set the expectations of what their relationships with women should be like. Don't let that be that they can just be skivvies to clear up after them and be shouted at.

Tell brother he has a week to put his stuff in storage or you’re going to have a garage sale with everything of his.

EXH- if he sends the dog to you, take it to the dog shelter. It’s not your responsibility. Make it clear this will be happening. If he is such a selfish shit he can live with the consequences.

As for your boys, well keep plugging away with boundaries and reasons for rules etc.

I am sorry they are so selfish.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos My dc arent skivvies i clear up after.. They clear up after themselves. Sometimes they need reminding, but they are still kids.

I was fed up this morning and reacted strongly. It was just after i had texted my exh to ask if he can feed the cats whilst were away and he'd said no, its inconvenient. My bad.. I'm only human and make mistakes.

So, i will find a catsitter. It's ok. All the men in my life can fuck off. Apart from both ds's who i love and try my best to raise right.

And you apologised to him?! Dear god woman- there’s your problem!

@Ffffffkkkkkksksks .Thankyou. Its always easier when your on the outside lookin in.

shredding of women genuinely struggling with all kinds of issues on here is "normal"
its like there some sorta "perfect people party" that thrive on attacking,blaming, kicking you when down n promoting fabulous ethos and woke a.f so calm ,compartamentalised you query they even have a pulse.wretched sometimes.
maybe that IS their real life.
In mine(also shitty psycho ex,always flying solo,teen asd)sometimes the realisation youre getting stamped all over hits all over again.

my dad always told me "people will mistake kindness for daftness". I know this,ive repeatedly lived experienced this ,its a fact,unlikely to change.
Learned the hard way people ONLY get to treat them how you let them. kind and daft is your marker to set. YOU arent responsible for the actions of anyone else,BUT you dont have to put up with it either.
i pure eye roll at "No cake for you then mister" draag the drama over rest of day n call it cause and effect.
i get the dont reward shit behaviour BUT in reality-shit happens ...a minimal inconvience triggered ott reactions,THAT was noted and left you realising ...all the shit people /with shit you dont like bout them are EXACTLY same shits ever were.
cant change that.

change how it effects you n how you deal with it

spat water out lol @xyz111 (sorry love-facts tho)
Just stop bake cake?
i might be wrong,op wnted to be baking, kid kicking off when no skin of nose at all /easier option is to help. kickt off and this time-op mirrored the shit behaviour(and got her way)BUT well aware thats not happening on the daily ..FActs is,theres a pattern of op KNOWING she is kind,willing,helpful despite which isnt treated same way.... she still wants bloody cake tho.

@SquirrelSoShiny - sorry- i dont know how to not write like this- its how i would speak it, lord knows that doesnt equate to making sense tho.

@Excited101 What do you mean? If i loose my temper and shout at someone, am i not supposed to apologise?
In my house I do expect everyone to apologise for shouting. Myself included. My exh was verbally abusive, constantly calling names and shouting at me, and I don't want to carry on with that pattern, however i fail sometimes.
I did not apologise for asking them to go to the shop. They went, we all apologised, hugged and had a chat about what is expected from everyone living in the same house. They are still kids.

I agree BTW. I apologise if I shout, or say something that doesn't meet requirements! As a result I have a child who apologises readily and doesn't see it as losing face.

Doesn't mean I don't expect good behaviour. Just means I also expect it from myself.

My other comment was way too harsh. It wasn’t the one you commented on.

You are doing a fab job. You were born into a family…. But you overcame their prejudices and enlightened yourself to the extent that you have 50 years ahead of you where you will put up boundaries and enforce your rights, boundaries and self worth. Honestly its infuriating to read and I don’t know why you don’t see red. Sometimes getting angry is good for you.

Tell your brother he can look after the cats or he can come and pick up his stuff - which will be out on the pavement.

Sorry, but you are being a doormat. And teaching your DS that doing the right thing is optional for men (whereas picking up their slack always falls to women). Time to toughen up.

Text your ex back saying since he isn't putting himself out for the cat, you won't be having the dog from now on.

If he'd like to make the arrangements reciprocal then you will be happy to keep having the dog.

He sounds like an entitled selfish mean prick, well done for freeing yourself of him.

And PPs are being too harsh- you're just separated and the kids are adjusting. Kids on the spectrum aren't exactly known for embracing change or reading dynamics. Rome wasn't built in a day, be kind to yourself.

This is a simple answer op. ‘Ok, your stuff has to be out of here in two weeks. You can easily arrange storage and move it in the next few days. It’s inconvenient and in my way and I am a single mum with no family support, I need it gone to make my life easier. Let me know by Tuesday what day it’s being collected.