All my male family members are t**ts!!!

[Ffffffkkkkkksksks]

Im the only female im my immediate family. I only have brothers, a dad, an exh and two sons. None of them fucking help me out with ANYTHING unless they benefit from it somehow! Im fucking fed up with it!
Im always available for them. I help with pets, moving house, visits, make an effort but just now I asked my 12 yo ds to go pick up flour from the bloody shop arpund the corner and he asked whats in it for me and threw such a fit the neighbours heard it outside and now i feel like the bad mom for loosing it too.
Im just so fed up. Im baking a fucking cake for the dc and they throw a fit about picking up flour from the shop! For the cake! Thats he's going to eat!
The only people who mutually ever help me are my FEMALE friends and the Angel of a man next door. Why cant they all be like him?! Why am i cursed with a circle of self-absorbed twats as a family?!
Also, im going away soon and asked my exh if he looked after the family cats for me (that he lived with for 10 years before divorce) because ive looked after his dog many times for him. He said no. My brother is in town and has nothing but time in his hands, but i know the answer already. It will be an awkward no. Even though im storing the contents of his flat im my house for him!! (he works abroad mostly).
Ive lost it this morning with the ds and will apologise when he's back, but i really dont want them to be like all the other selfish nales in this family. Aibu?
(If anyone must know, i didn't go to the shop myself because theres another cake in the oven and i ran out of ingredients. But surely this is not a big ask?)

Read your son he story of the Little Red Hen.
Fathers are boys role models it’s as simple as that. Your sons see a lazy twat and that is what they believe a male should be.
Ask your brother to look after your cat. If he refuses you tell him that you are no longer providing free storage for him. Then give him a date to come and remove all his stuff from your flat. Tell him you are no longer prepared to help him as he refuses to do you a simple favour. If he doesn’t come for his stiff leave it outside, or bin it.
Same with your ex. The first time he refuses to help you out will indicate that you no longer look after his dog or accommodate him in any way. Also make it know to your ds that the dog can go in kennels as you are no longer the rubbing rag.
Your ds will learn from this.
When he asks for a lift, or a favour you say ‘What’s in it for me?’
If he can’t give you an answer leave it there. Let him stew. When he asks again repeat ‘What us in it for me?’
Rinse and repeat.
12 is old enough to cook, clean, do laundry etc. I had jobs to do at that age and God help me if I didn’t do them.
I hope you are no doing and childcare for your lazy brothers either. Just stop it right now.

I think unfortunately a lot of men don't really see women as people just like them - so you being a "good woman" and meeting their needs is not an example that they expect to follow for themselves, iyswik.

"Im always available for them."
Well you need to stop that, for a start. Yes, I know you're trying to teach your sons by example - but the lesson they are receiving is that 'women serve men'.

As for the rest of them :

XH - be clear that since he won't look after the cats then he'll have to fork out for kennels for his dog from now on. Those are the natural consequences for a lack of reciprocity.

Brother - Do not approach him meekly, point out to him the HUGE favour you are doing storing his stuff, and he can balance the books a bit by doing you the SMALL favour of feeding your cats. If he refuses, tell him you need him to get his stuff moved into paid storage, he has 14 days to get it out of your house and if he misses that deadline you'll be getting the Red Cross / Lions / Favourite charity / local auction house round to clear it for you. Those are the natural consequences for a lack of reciprocity. (And I'd be asking him to move it into storage anyway.)

Sons - Stop asking, start telling. And he doesn't get any of the cake, I'd rather bin it that give him any. Those are the natural consequences for a lack of reciprocity.

'Natural consequences for a lack of reciprocity.' Let that be your watchwords from now on.

Both Ds's did eventually go to the shop and got the flour. Screaming the whole way out. I did tell them exactly that: If you don't go, you wont have any cake. The one in the oven is a thank-you cake for my aunt whos gone above and beyond to be there fo us lately (I've been going through a divorce and a new demanding job requiring travel).

The exh is such a sneaky bastard. He never actually asks me to look after the dog in advance. The dog just comes home to me with ds when exh has an 'emergency' and he obviously never thanks me for accommodating.

I have told him now that if he doesn't look after the cats for me, his dog is never welcome here again..One of the cats adores exh. We always considered her to be 'his' cat. He obviously doesn't give a shit deep down.

In continuing to do others 'favours', you're not showing your DC 'it's nice to be nice', you're actually showing them that you are willing to 'be nice' to ANYONE regardless of how shit they actually treat you?

It's fine doing anyone a 'favour' or a 'good turn', but you must also show them what happens when others refuse to do YOU favours, when asked, in RETURN.

So, phone your Ex, and say 'I'm just letting you know that I will not be able to look after your dogs in the future, so you'll need to sort something else out from now on.'

Phone your DB and say 'I need you to look after my cats while I'm away. If you find yourself unable to do so, for whatever reason, then I'm afraid I won't be able to store your stuff anymore. If you can't help ME when I need it, then I'm NOT going to be helping you, and inconveniencing myself for YOU any more.'
If he still says 'no', then you tell him that his stuff will be put in your front garden for him to collect at his own leisure.

When your DS comes home, sit all your DC down and have a 'chat' about how things are going to be in the house from now on.
'You will be expected to do as I ask, when I ask, without attitude or argument.
If you do not, then I WILL be withdrawing ALL my labour, for ALL of YOU until such times as you have apologized and corrected your behaviour. That means;

• No laundry service
• No cooking service
• No shopping done for you and paid for by ME
• No buying/funding anything, for school/clubs/leisure
• No lifts anywhere/anytime/for any reason
• No bills paid for things I don't need e.g Internet/Sky/Disney/mobile phones etc

So unless you ALL stop abusing my goodwill and hard work I do daily, on your behalf, NOT for myself, be prepared to suffer the consequences.

And MEAN IT. Otherwise you're simply raising the next generation of selfish, arrogant and misogynistic generation in your family...

Don't you DARE apologise to your DSs. I'd go a step further and really tear them a new one when they get back for being spoilt, ungrateful, entitled brats.

No it doesn't work because there are no consequences for them letting you down when you need help. I've always tried to be a 'good' person which is great when you're around other 'good' people. It doesn't work with takers who will milk you for everything your worth. Much better to keep an eye on reciprocation and match the behaviour of takers. If someone lets you down or doesn't reciprocate when you need, make a mental note and quietly withdraw services or favours. Don't get angry or upset, just alter your own behaviour so you're not left resentful. Weirdly I have found people naturally respect you more if you don't freely over give.

@Ffffffkkkkkksksks stop doing so much for them. You’re enabling them. If you were rude to your ds, apologise for that. But don’t apologise for asking him to shop. My brothers and I got sent shopping for our Mum. It’s not women’s work, if it needs doing you all muck in. As for storing stuff, get rid of it. Stop letting them walk all over you. Model the behaviour you want your kid to exhibit, including how to treat people.

This. Remind yoyr brother you're doing him a massive favour amd he owes you one.

Good move with the ex, dog never ever gets to set foot in your house again. Now keep on with the boundaries. With the kids where possible don’t escalate to screaming but say ok, I really wanted to have a cake made for you but I can’t do it without a little help. So there won’t be a cake. (The one for auntie goes to auntie, not the dc, that is a given. She’s been kind and you’re thanking her.) for the rest of the family, just no.

I also think children can be natural takers because they're used to their mothers doing everything. As a consequence girls can be socialised to give, boys less so especially in a family where the patriarchy dominates.

Well i did apologise for shouting, but i also told both ds, that when they live with me, they do all the tasks i ask them. Because in the future, when they live with a partner, they do half the tasks, and if they live alone, they do all the tasks.

Also..they do have chores..one of them has to empty the dishwasher every day, make their beds every morning, feed the cats, take out the rubbish once in a while and pick up after themselves. (They only live with me half the time now since the divorce. It's early days and a lot for them to get used to)

Listen to Germaine:

Women dont realise how much men hate them.

They've used you like a toilet seat.

They don't see you as an equal human being, just a vessel to meet their needs when they choose.

Don't give anymore of your precious emotional energy to any of them.

I sympathise hugely. The men in my family are similarly useless. I"ve pulled back on offering support to my brother and never hear from him now.

Making their own beds isn't a chore, any more than brushing their teeth or taking a shower is a chore.

But glad they're doing something anyway.

It sounds like you need to sit down with them and draw up a rota that's fair and square.

Tell them the consequences of not sticking to it, and make sure you stick to the consequences.

Ds’s screaming the whole way out? No way in Hell should they get a cake today. If you accept any half arsed apology and make their cake you’ll just be “crazy old Mum” - they won’t equate any of it to their behaviour. Recent experience of tantrums from teenagers is they are another species these days - boundaries sends them into apocalyptic rage onto any authority that treats them with a scrap of leniency and forgiveness- but towards anyone where they know there will be consequences for their behaviour they don’t dare.
Tell your DS there will be no cake. Don’t reveal what else will be changing, let them experience the consequences by living through them.

Unfortunately what you accidentally ended up teaching them is that women run round after men, doing everything for them and getting nothing in return.

Ds 12 is on the spectrum.. He is capable of many things, but he does have meltdowns quite easily and struggles when something unexpected (ie. asked to go to the shop) happens. It's a fine line of being understanding and having an expectation.
Im seriously no doormat. My kids tell me im the strictest mum of their friendship group.

Bloody hell! What a useless, selfish bunch you're surrounded by.

Do absolutely nothing for the adult men from here on. Do as little as is permitted for DS until a lesson is learnt.

I nearly voted YABU simply because it's time the worm turned. People will treat you shittily if you martyr yourself.

Your brother's furniture if he says no - give him fair warning then it's no longer your problem, it's in a skip. Ex-husband- you never care for dog again.

Son - you apologise ONLY for anything you regret but not for stamping down on his unhelpfulness. Time for things to toughen up at home.

@Ffffffkkkkkksksks aah ok if they’re adjusting and have different rules in the other home then all you can do is enforce ‘your home your rules’. Stick with it, adjustment takes time and they will be scared and acting up.

@Ohnobackagain I stayed in the family home and the rules are the same as pre-divorce. But they are going through a lot. Exh is a dishonest, toxic, unreliable twat. A disney dad some days and a cold unempatehtic 'tough man' the next.
I try my best..

As expected brother said he migh be gone by the time our holiday comes and wont be able to promise anything.
He is currently negotiating his next project abroad..due to start any day. This is not a lie, but so convenient for him..

My brother is in town and has nothing but time in his hands, but i know the answer already. It will be an awkward no. Even though im storing the contents of his flat im my house for him!!

And then you calmy tell him to come and get his stuff before the day is over as you no longer want to store them in your house. Because as you say yourself, you are not a doormat.

And there will be no cake for ds12 to eat I hope.

Stop making excuses for him.