Am I a mug - is he gambling

[Floating101]

DP likes to bet on horse racing and uses online roulette, slots websites. I think it has been out of hand a few times in the past but now I’m assured it’s not. Of course I only ever hear about wins and have no idea how much is spent per month on this. DP moved in with me a few years ago, mortgage is in my name only. DP contributes to bills but doesn’t pay rent as such. Plan was for him to clear debt which had amounted to several thousands on credit cards and then start to save up with a view that we buy a bigger place together in the future. Both work full time. No kids.
So far, very little has been saved as far as I can gather. Also very cagey about how much debt there still is. I can just about cover everything on my wage but am I being an utter mug here? I keep seeing him watching horse racing on his phone - he says he’s not betting and just likes watching it. I really don’t understand where all the ££ can be going but he gets annoyed if I ask.

Of course he is and you know it.

He is totally addicted. Any spare money is being gambled away.

For any "big win", he'll have thousands in loses, and will overall be down a lot of money.

Yeah OP I think he is. Has he actually told you he’s stopped?

If so, ask him to do Gamstop to prove it.

He's 100% addicted to Gambling. Get out. Save yourself.

He's a loser.

Hell drag you down.

The future with him looks bleak as he won't be able to enjoy going away etc as he sinks further into debt.

He has no desire to better himself.

op please get rid. Hes never going to change. Youve got yourself a CF. Do not get pregnant or put him on the mortgage or offer to take credit out for him. This will all end badly. Save yourself here and end the relationship

Yes, he's still gambling. He's cagey because he's still spending on bets rather than clearing debts. There will be no savings, in fact the debts are probably increasing. How would he react if you suggested going through all your finances with a view to seeing what your position is for buying that new place?

Do not stay with this man. This will plague you all of your life op. I didn’t read your full post because anyone that gambles has a problem - it IS a problem in itself. I would never even go on one date with someone who gambles. It’s not necessary in life and is nothing but road to financial ruin and addiction. Would you go on a date with someone who took heroin ‘occasionally’?? No of course not. Get rid and don’t look back.

"Contributes" to bills as in 50:50? Or as in tops the account up a bit?

What percent contribution does he pay to bills? Does this include shopping?

Oh dear. Yes, you are being taken for a mug.

Why on earth did you agree he could move in? Get him out!

Yes he is gambling.

Honestly speaking as someone whose family has been destroyed by someone's gambling addiction get out of this relationship and don't look back.

I would also be concerned he is illegally using your home to take out loans.

I just don’t know what to do. Originally we’d said he’d send me the savings money to put in my savings account but he’s since changed his mind on that and said he’d save it himself.
He pays half the council tax and half the utilities and we share the food bill but that’s it so where is the rest of a full time wage going I ask myself.
I think I will give myself a deadline and then ask outright how much there is saved and if it’s very little/none I will have to say something. It’s making me resentful and taking up my headspace a lot of the time.

He's gambling away every last penny of it.
You are enabling him by not making him pay his way in the home. Tell him he's to pay 50-50 for everything, including mortgage.
If he can't/won't then he has to leave.
You can tell him to stop gambling till you're blue in the face but I'm pretty certain he won't.

@babyproblems anyone who gambles has a problem

I have to disagree with that, it's rather a sweeping statement. I buy a lottery ticket every now and then, I don't have a "problem". My DM bets on the Grand National every year and also buys a lottery ticket every week. She doesn't have a "problem" either. It becomes a problem when it turns into an addiction, impacts your financial situation and impacts others because of it.

He's your partner. Why can't you open a discussion about your plans?

"We haven't talked about moving for a while, how's the savings going"?

"I'd like something bigger, where are you up to with your saving plan"?

"What deposit can you put in, I'm going to start looking "?

His response should tell you all you need to know.

Why are you scared to ask?

Are you worried there is no saving, just debt...

If that's the case, better to know sooner than later. There's no financial future with this man.

Just dump him, he'll weigh you down. Financial transparency is a must. Has he ever tried to get treatment?

Never buy a house with a gambler. You might not even be able to get a mortgage, and if you do there’s a risk you could lose the house.

I can just about cover everything on my wage but am I being an utter mug here?

Yes, you are. A massive, complete mug.

I just don’t know what to do.

Yes you do. You get the fuck rid of him. You would have to be the biggest idiot in the world to stay with a gambler. He will absolutely destroy your life. I wish my cousin could talk to you about the consequences of choosing to stay with a gambler.

I hate these threads because everyone else can see the truth and the OP is struggling to hold on to a dream that will not come true. Eventually everyone loses patience with the OP because she won’t see what’s going on.

OP, you know the truth, it’s just very hard to accept this man is a liar and has used you for stability and to fund his gambling habit.

Yes I know a women this happened too. Huge line of credit was secretly taken out. She's still teaching at 75, just downsized to a one bed apt from a five bed house. Her ex can take half her pension if he wants to. I would dump. Maybe op's partner is a nicer person than the man I'm talking about, but if he's so testy he makes op uncomfortable even talking about money it doesn't seem like it.

You should be able to talk about long term goals and how they'll be funded.

Maybe op's partner is a nicer person than the man I'm talking about

No, he's not. Gamblers will fuck over anyone to keep gambling. Their spouse, their kids, their parents and their friends. No one is immune from a gambling addict's destruction.

but if he's so testy he makes op uncomfortable even talking about money it doesn't seem like it.

Exactly. He's already proven just how far gone he is.

I think I will give myself a deadline and then ask outright how much there is saved and if it’s very little/none I will have to say something.

@Floating101 this isn’t a plan, it’s kicking the can down the road. You’re giving yourself a deadline just to say something? Say what? He’s already reneged on your previous agreement, it’s obvious what’s going on.

Say something now, and give him a deadline to pack his bags.

He won’t change.

100% addicted