Am I a mug - is he gambling

[Floating101]

DP likes to bet on horse racing and uses online roulette, slots websites. I think it has been out of hand a few times in the past but now I’m assured it’s not. Of course I only ever hear about wins and have no idea how much is spent per month on this. DP moved in with me a few years ago, mortgage is in my name only. DP contributes to bills but doesn’t pay rent as such. Plan was for him to clear debt which had amounted to several thousands on credit cards and then start to save up with a view that we buy a bigger place together in the future. Both work full time. No kids.
So far, very little has been saved as far as I can gather. Also very cagey about how much debt there still is. I can just about cover everything on my wage but am I being an utter mug here? I keep seeing him watching horse racing on his phone - he says he’s not betting and just likes watching it. I really don’t understand where all the ££ can be going but he gets annoyed if I ask.

If you think you are safe to do so you should ask him to leave. Preferably no more than a couple of days. If not then you need to speak to woman’s aid. Change locks and check your credit rating with Experian etc. sorry this has happened to you. Don’t beat yourself up, addicts are so good at making you feel bad. Live and learn, onwards and upwards.

I'm a gambling addict and yes I'm sorry but it sounds like he is. He needs to show you his online bank statement and whichever site he is using to gamble will also show a total deposits and a total withdrawal and net win/losses, as well as individual deposits and withdrawals.
It sounds like he's still in denial that he has a problem and until he admits it and you go through the figures so he has to face up to the amounts then you can't help him.
If he wants to face it and you decide to support him then his banking app should have an option to block transactions for gambling so this needs to be activated and he needs to self exclude from whatever sites he is on. The problem is there are so many sites so he can easily set up another account hence why the block on the banking app is helpful but not foolproof as there are other ways to deposit. He needs to tell you when he's feeling the urge to set up a new account so you can help him until the urge passes and he needs to show you his banking app anytime you ask and without hesitation so there is accountability there to make him hesitate, you also need to ask to see it regularly regardless if you feel bad for doing so.
Its an addiction and he can recover from it but he needs to want to. Even if he wants to you do not have an obligation to support him, you can walk away.
Good luck OP its a tough one x

But OP, how does it make things better even if this was what he paid this month? It still means he's in debt and has been gambling away money that he was meant to be saving?

Op, what more will it take? Honestly. Kick him out today.

Why WOULDN’T you end it after this?

Chuck him put. You don't want bad debts attached to your address. He's crying because he thinks you'll feel sorry for him. Don't, he's not 5.

He could easily pay that off. £600 is nothing for a man with no children and no mortgage and take home pay of £1800z He is choosing not to. So he is appalling with money and probably has many, many other debts other than this.

DO NOT STAY WITH THIS MAN. This isnt how healthy relationships go.

The crying is manipulation. He is trying to make you feel so bad you don't question him.

i would even go as far as to say, after marriage or mortgage this could turn into aggression to atop you asking; then Violence.

You need to separate yourself from him straight away.

Gambling ruins lives

£1800 a month, no rent, no kids and still in loads of debt?

Come on ffs - please don’t be one of those posters who comes back in 2 years tied to this guy with a child and mortgage 😖

There you have it.

He is lieing.
This is what gamblers do. They lie.

Honestly leave. I know it's upsetting. But this will end up costing you thousands and thousands at best but in reality it could cost you thousands, and your homes, and your credit rating and your mental health.

I know this from experience.

Leave

She doesn't have to go anywhere. It's her house. All she has to do is tell him to leave, right now. But she won't. She's not listening to any of us.

I have been listening! I said myself that I’ve been a mug. It’s just not as simple as telling him to leave right this minute

@Floating101 it's all very well saying you've been a mug. The question is what are you going to be next?

You say it's not as simple as asking him to move out right away. Would you like to share more of your situation, and the things that might make it hard for you to disentangle yourself?

I need to think about what to do, I’d never just kick him out onto the street. We’re not speaking, we are sitting in different rooms. My head is killing me, I can’t speak to him at the moment anyway, the whole thing is just draining.
I appreciate what everyone has said.

He doesn’t want to change. He doesn’t want to be a team.

its clear he does everything possible to gamble as much as he can get away with .

washy woolly language from a gambler is a dead give away. Addicts know that total transparency is the only way to good health.

you are propping him up. He’s soaking up your resources. If you keep propping him up he won’t hit rock bottom. He won’t get better.

It really, really is that simple. You are continuing to gaslight yourself. He is a grown man, he is perfectly capable of finding somewhere to sleep, and I guarantee you, he will find another woman to sponge off of in very, very short order. Men like him can sniff a mug a mile off. That's what they do.

OP some people are being unnecessarily brutal here.

You're coming to terms with the fact that your partner has been lying to you for a long time about something very very important. You are getting your head around the fact that the future together you have planned out is not going to happen. He is not trustworthy and cannot put your relationship before his gambling. That must be incredibly difficult to come to terms with. Those saying you need to kick him out this minute are just looking for drama.

Get some rest, confide in a close friend or family member tomorrow and start to sort out what you're going to do. Be aware that he is probably going to gaslight you and continue to lie. Please please keep reminding yourself that you are not hurting him - he's hurting himself and you in the process because of his gambling.

Stay strong and take small steps towards a better future for yourself. Good luck

"If he is watching it on his phone then that can only be if he has placed a bet. Otherwise you can’t watch the race live"

Actually Paddy Power do let you watch GB and Ire racing now without placing a bet, though you do have to place a minimum £1 bet to watch international racing. So "he just likes watching horse racing", eh? Ok.
Ask him which four group one races were scheduled for today, who won, and a bit about the races and what happened.
He should know that the Prix Jacques le Marois was run at Deauville over a mile, and that the ground was reasonably quick for a French race, although French going reports are notoriously inaccurate at times. Charyn won, which pleased a lot of people as the trainer Roger Varian seems like a really nice guy and one of his best horses, King of Steel, is out injured and nobody trusts the fickle owner to send it back to him. Ryan Moore couldn't quite work the oracle on Inspiral, which Kieran Shoemark is probably quietly pleased about as he got jocked off her.

Al Riffa won (as expected) the Grosser Preis von Berlin over a mile and a half at Hoppegarten for Joseph O'Brien, who was trying him over the distance with a view to running in the Arc in the autumn. Second favourite King of Conquest, trained by Charlie Appleby did no good although he might have more luck in...

..Saratoga, where the Saratoga Derby is on tonight over 1mile 11/2 furlongs (which annoys me, to be a called a Derby it should be over a mile and a half!) Appleby's horse is favourite as the trainer has been farming American turf races , the Yanks traditionally being better on dirt.

The other G1 race is the Arlington Million, where Appleby also has the fav, ridden by Godolphin's #1 rider William Buick.

He will probably also have an opinion on the Shergar Cup, Julie Harrington's tenure as chief exec of the BHA, prize money, Aidan O'Brien's post race interviews and so on and so forth.

But I bet you (sorry) he won't have a clue. Because he doesn't love racing. It's just a vehicle for his addiction. I know this because he is using slots and online casino (the mark of a sad addicted loser in my snobbish opinion) ; he has form for having no control, and he is bullshitting you about money big time.

Agree with rumplestrumpet. People are being harsh telling op to process, dump, and kick out all in one day. To those saying he can find another place to live, or another woman to mooch off of, yes he can but it isn't going to happen instantaneously. (I understand op doesn't have to concern herself with that.)

Yes its your business. You had a plan together to buy a place. You have every right to know if he is still on board with this and what he's saved.

If the answer is 'nothing' (due to gambling or not) then you can reevaluate.

Agree* with *@Rumplestrumpet

Op, your life has been turned upside down. Take some time to process however if you dig further into finances I think it will get worse.

For what it's worth - He seems to be in denial so that means he can't fix this. Addiction is one of the main 3 causes of relationship breakdown as it makes for a toxic environment - he will lie, hide information, gaslight, blame you and use manipulation, all so that you leave him alone so he can continue with his addiction. I'm sorry, it must be such a shock.

There's no point in even getting into the conversation with him, it will just fry your brain. All you need to say is that the relationship isn't for you anymore and it's over. If he wants a reason it's because he's a liar- he can't argue with that.

I don't know how you can stand to live with such a pathetic loser. I'd have nothing but contempt for a grown man who hands his money over to gambling companies every month.

Ouch. As someone who has kids and a mortgage with a gambling addict this raises lots of red flags.

Look after yourself and take your time untangling if you need to but please, please don’t commit yourself to anything financial with him. Do credit checks on your address, your details. Safeguard your own interests. If you’re still with him, you need to see his credit reports so you know the extent of his debts. If he won’t show you, it’s undoubtedly bad news. Possibly worse than you imagine.

It’s devastating to find out someone you trusted has deliberately lied to you. It’s complicated and confusing, as addictions make people behave differently and it’s almost impossible to know who the “real” them is. But the reality is that you get the rough end of their addiction, whether it’s the “real” them or not.

And honestly, long-term, the relationship will never be the same again. Some people make it work. But it’s always going to be different. You’d be naive to completely trust him ever again. It will always be a pretend trust, which gets in the way of reality (yes I’ve tried it…)

If you’re not tied to him, my honest advice would have to be to get out, while it’s not too complicated (mortgage, marriage, kids etc).

Wishing you strength- make sure you get support for yourself from friends, family, professionals. I say this a lot here, but make sure any professional help is about supporting you first and foremost, as your interests are separate to his. There are organisations he can get support from too.

best of luck