Am I a mug - is he gambling

[Floating101]

DP likes to bet on horse racing and uses online roulette, slots websites. I think it has been out of hand a few times in the past but now I’m assured it’s not. Of course I only ever hear about wins and have no idea how much is spent per month on this. DP moved in with me a few years ago, mortgage is in my name only. DP contributes to bills but doesn’t pay rent as such. Plan was for him to clear debt which had amounted to several thousands on credit cards and then start to save up with a view that we buy a bigger place together in the future. Both work full time. No kids.
So far, very little has been saved as far as I can gather. Also very cagey about how much debt there still is. I can just about cover everything on my wage but am I being an utter mug here? I keep seeing him watching horse racing on his phone - he says he’s not betting and just likes watching it. I really don’t understand where all the ££ can be going but he gets annoyed if I ask.

this. WAKE UP and RAISE your STANDARDS

you deserve better, please

He will never change, he will always make you feel like the bad guy for asking about the debt and savings. The quicker you end this the quicker you'll be free or the worry and hos gaslighted. Sorry OP but 100% he is mugging you off.

If he is watching it on his phone then that can only be if he has placed a bet. Otherwise you can’t watch the race live

Actually, this isn't true, but that's beside the point - I agree with everyone else: yes, he is gambling. Sorry, OP.

He doesn't need to ask about your finances OP - he's too busy spending them.

Back - yelling at me in tears saying it’s not gambling, it just goes on ‘shit’, ‘will try harder’, ‘what would I gain from taking the piss’. It’s not even middle of the month and he has less than £300 left, wage is around £1800
Why do I feel guilty about the tears though, like I’m the bad person bringing this up

Kindly meant, because you ARE a mug, sadly.

If you were a hard nosed bitch like me, you would be telling him to pack a bag and take his tears out of your house.

That guilt of yours will destroy your life.

One thing, ....now you know, it would be spectacularly selfish to have a child with this loser.

Don't inflict a waster on an innocent child.

Because that's what addicts do. They make their problems someone else's fault, because if it's someone else's fault how can they possibly do anything about it? I've seen the same pattern with an alcoholic, persistently sabotaging his relationship, but telling herself it was his partner causing fights. He did it so that he had an excuse to drink.

Your addict partner has made you the bad guy in his head, and made you feel like the bad guy. You're not.

OP everyone here is saying the same thing. This person is gambling and you're enabling him to do so!
You're shying away making that decision your know you have to make.
He's not paying rent, he had no rights to live in you're home, pack his stuff and leave it on the doorstep.

Can he show you a statement to prove the money isn't going towards gambling?

... thought not.

Addicts are master manipulators. He’s seen the door closing on his ability to gamble freely and still have a roof over his head and his life sorted. I really do think you need to get rid of him asap.

You can watch the race live with a small monthly subscription, otherwise you are required to place a bet. It's much more likely that he's betting.

I’d be telling him to pack his bags… I think you are absolutely mugging yourself off staying with him/ not kicking him out

If you want to stay with this gambler and endure a miserable life… fine but please…

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN

“Why do I feel guilty about the tears though, like I’m the bad person bringing this up”

which is exactly how he meant you to feel when he turned on the waterworks.

time to be strong now and stop facilitating his gambling habit. When / if he finally conquers it he will thank you.

Men know the power of their tears. We don't see them often, so when we do, we do a lot of the hard work for them by assuming they must be beside themselves with grief/guilt/regret. We think they are more meaningful than our typically more frequent tears, and often feel a powerful urge to do whatever it takes to make them stop. You need to fight this and remember his tears now are worth no more than any you might shed when he lies and let's you down.

I approve this message, especially the last sentence.

Op, JFC, stop listening to him! You are the maker of your own misery, and you are going to allow this man to ruin you.

Oh OP, guilt and DARVO is what is stopping you actually getting into this.

The tears are for himself, not for you - he has fucked you over while he has had low outgoings and someone to pick up the tab. Don’t waste any more time.

And please please don’t think you can cure this. You can’t .

OP if he was really a recovered addict - or even someone who just dabbled too close to the line, he would completely understand your worries and be willing to sit down with you to talk it through.

Any sign of defensiveness at all is a huge red flag, and what you've reported is absolutely classic.

There is no doubt he's an addict. The only question is whether you are going to allow your life to be ruined by this or not. As others have warned, he will take everything from you. I'd never be a LTB type but this is a clear exception. You have to get out.

@stuckdownahole It's simply not true that you need to have placed a bet in order to watch a race live. You're probably thinking of one or two particular bookies who work that way, but not all of them are like this. What you do need to do is to have an account with a bookie in order to watch a race, but that's not the same thing as needing to place a bet every time you watch one. (I wish I hadn't said anything now - it's not relevant to this poor OP's problem.)

Either get him out or you get out.
He's addicted to gambling.

So don't be a MUG.

Thanks everyone, I am a mug. I found a final demand/summons type letter dated July while he was out, over £600 - no I shouldn’t have been snooping I know - I was trying to find a payslip to know how much he had coming in. I haven’t mentioned it as he’ll go mad. Part of me hopes that’s what he paid this month when he said he’d paid something - I know I’m clutching

Sorry OP but I think his reactions today tell you all you need to know - he is still gambling at least as much as ever or even more.
If you don’t get out of this relationship NOW he will drag you into penury.

I mean this most kindly, OP but please

STOP CLUTCHING

You can’t save him.

He will take you down with him.

Stop the wishful thinking that maybe you can fix him…being brutally honest- that’s just pride and “saviour-complex” on your part.

Get all his stuff and put it outside.
Tell him to go. Now.

You need to sit down somewhere quiet and try to figure out WHY you are clutching.

I can 100% GUARANTEE that a world of absolute misery, endless worry and regret will be yours unless you can disentangle yourself from this total loser.

OP you need to do a bit of self examination here.

How good are you at being truly honest with yourself? What might be preventing you from seeing the truth and gravity of the situation clearly? What scares you most about the reality of his gambling, his lying, his financial situation? Are you afraid of the loneliness of losing him? What friends and family will say or think? Coping with his emotional outbursts?

You've got to be absolutely clearheaded about this. Consider finding a counsellor now to help you through the clean break you need to make.