Am I a mug - is he gambling

[Floating101]

DP likes to bet on horse racing and uses online roulette, slots websites. I think it has been out of hand a few times in the past but now I’m assured it’s not. Of course I only ever hear about wins and have no idea how much is spent per month on this. DP moved in with me a few years ago, mortgage is in my name only. DP contributes to bills but doesn’t pay rent as such. Plan was for him to clear debt which had amounted to several thousands on credit cards and then start to save up with a view that we buy a bigger place together in the future. Both work full time. No kids.
So far, very little has been saved as far as I can gather. Also very cagey about how much debt there still is. I can just about cover everything on my wage but am I being an utter mug here? I keep seeing him watching horse racing on his phone - he says he’s not betting and just likes watching it. I really don’t understand where all the ££ can be going but he gets annoyed if I ask.

If you can't have honesty and openess now, don't waste your time. It won't get any better.

Op, if you have any wisdom whatsoever, if you have even a scrap of dignity and sense of self-preservation in you, you will demand he leaves today, and you will never communicate with him again. This is how dire your situation is. You actually have a chance to save your financial future and to get rid before he takes you down right along with him. My cousin refused to listen to anyone, even people who had lived through it. She refused to accept that he was that bad and refused to believe that her addict husband would fuck her over. She was completely wrong. She lost everything to his gambling.

Do you know how much he earns a month? If you can't have open conversations about finances then buying together is a risk. Finances are a major area of conflict but if you add in an addiction such as gambling you are into another level.

Like all addicts he will deny, deny, deny

You’re a mug

Just tried to broach it, DP got stroppy and has walked off saying he doesn’t need this after a hard shift. I asked if he’d saved anything this month - umm, eeerr then said no as had to pay something this month but couldn’t remember what it was

Off he fucks

Enough now OP.

You KNOW it's time to end the relationship. Gambling is insidious and has him in it's grip.

You can't help him.

If you stay with him you'll have a miserable life worrying and wondering. Even if he wanted to stop and you controlled all the finances the chances are he'll regress and it all turns to shit.

I've been there. The LOML killed himself when he realised he couldn't stop.

Yours isn't even acknowledging his addiction so he will take you down if you let him.

Yup, as expected. So what are you going to do? You already know it's over, surely?

Sorry but yes he’s still gambling. If he is watching it on his phone then that can only be if he has placed a bet. Otherwise you can’t watch the race live,

as someone who has lived with this, get rid now.

Honestly this will not get better - you’re not tied to him and you have no kids - easy breakup (logistically) - just tell him it’s time to call it a day and stick to your guns.

He’s gone off now in tears. I asked if he’d gambled this month, ‘not much’ was the reply. He makes me feel like I’m going mad though and there’s no problem and I shouldn’t have said anything. He said I shouldn’t be asking about his finances - it’s none of my business as he doesn’t ask about mine

You're basically subsidising a cocklodger with a gambling problem. He's not going to change, and will only get defensive if you try and push it.

Honestly, save yourself a load of hassle and just end it. Although trying to get him to leave might be a problem since he's got a cushy set up and he knows it.

But he’s happy to spend your finances… you absolutely need to get rid asap. He’s an addict and his addiction will drag you down and make you miserable.

So you've been paying to his living accommodation for a few years - and he says you shouldn't be allowed to ask about his finances. That's a bit rich isn't it?

He's taking you for a mug.

If you want to remain in this relationship keep your finances entirely separate. Do not subsidise him, loan him or agree to any financial commitment that requires his input. Do not allow him to have your card details or know your PIN. Check your credit records regularly to ensure there has been no borrowing in your name you did not agree to. Forget your hopes of buying another home, unless you can buy it yourself in your sole name. Do not marry him or have children with him. If bailiffs ever call at your home, do not let them in. Do not question him unless you don't mind being lied to.

He’s gone off now in tears.

This is 100% manipulative crocodile tears. He's just trying to get you to shut up.

He said I shouldn’t be asking about his finances - it’s none of my business as he doesn’t ask about mine

Oh really? How utterly ridiculous.

None of your business? He’s freeloading off you!

Seriously, you can’t continue letting this bloke treat you like a muppet.

Yes you are a mug.
Yes he is gambling.
Yes the tears are manipulation.
Yes you are wasting your life.
Yes you are funding him.
Yes he is living off you.
Yes this will be your life for as long as you allow yourself to be used.
Yes he is a liar that is running rings around you.

No it is highly unlikely/unbelievable that he has any savings
No he will not change.

Thank god you have no children in the midst of this shit show.

Wake up to this, or this is your future.
Contact GAM ANON for families.

Oh and thanks be to fxxk you aren't married to this loser.

Make sure he doesn't take debt out in your name or on your property.

NOTHING is beyond the pale for gamblers in the throws of addiction.

Lying, theft, fraud are their bread and butter.
They are addicts.

This is following a well worn path.

You know he is gambling but don't want to admit it to yourself.
He knows he is gambling but doesn't want to admit it to you (or himself?).
Next thing is that you will post on here saying you have had a (tearful) heart to heart, he has admitted to debts (bigger than you had imagined) but you are "going to work through it".

Fast forward 12-months and you will be in exactly the same position but even further in debt.

Don't let him pay anything towards the mortgage. Bills only. Payments towards the mortgage give him a toehold for claiming an interest in your house.

Yeah the conversation only confirms it. He will not be saving or paying off his debt. He is still gambling. ‘Not much’ is incredibly vague isn’t it? If he ‘used to’ have a problem, he won’t be able to do a bit of gambling. He’s an addict. All he’s done is get better at hiding it from you.
I assume if it’s your home and he moved in, you can afford the home on your own? Honestly, you need to kick him out. I’d do a credit check as well because there’s a risk he’s been taking out credit cards and loans in your name (speak from experience).

"Not much"= constantly.

His tears are for himself and his frustration in continuously losing. Not for you or the damage being done to your relationship. If he could get away with it he'd give you no money at all so he could dedicate it all to his pursuit of winning.

Your feeling of going mad is how it's going to be but worse as it goes on.

I know how you feel. It's completely FUCKING STUPID but he is locked into the addiction and cannot, will not, see it rationally.

If he acknowledged he is addicted he'd have a tiny, tiny, chance.
As it stands he has zero hope of stopping and you have zero hope of normality.

If you really must stay with him protect all your assets and cash. Guard your bank account. Sign up to Experian and check your credit scores once a week

You must realise that he will, if he can, steal from you, pawn your belongings, remortgage your home, take out loans fraudulently in your name, credit cards ditto.

Addicts tend to be cunning, sly, clever and absolutely blind to what's right or fair.

I cannot warn you enough.

@CitrineRaindropPhoenix yeah, you're right. He should pay the equivalent in 'rent/board' though.

He is obviously wasting his money in some way and given he has a history of gambling it's very likely that's it. He's lived rent-free and has no savings and it's obvious he hasn't reduced his debts. If he had, he would have been proud of himself and told you.

Why are you going to work in order to let him live rent-free? Why are you tempted to believe him when he tells you such rubbish?

Stop planning a future with this idiot. He won’t stop. He’s simply upped his habit by using all the additional ‘disposable income’ he gained by moving in with you.

You can’t save him or change him and he doesn’t want to help himself or invest in your future.

Get him out of your life. And check your credit records to find out if he’s taken out loans or cards in your name or secured against your home.