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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws visiting too often - I have a 13 month old and a newborn

82 replies

SonK · 10/08/2024 15:15

My in laws will call and announce they are coming in an hour at around 6pm /7pm once or twice a week and will stay until 9.

I don't mind if they ask a few days before and give notice once a week. That way I can make sure my partner and I have had dinner earlier and my 13 month old and newborn have had their bed time routine including baths.

However, they always announce they are coming at a time when I am busy prepping dinner for me and partner, getting babies ready for bed, and doing the evening clean and chores (washing bottles, sterilising etc.

Also, usually I offer dinner as they come at dinner time, however last time they came I didn't!

I did the prep but didn't lay out table or offer dinner because I was simply too tired and made a big batch to last the next day especially since it's not easy to cook from scratch everyday with two babies under two, when they eat with us there's nothing left for the next days lunch!

Am I being unreasonable to not offer dinner anymore (I still offer tea / coffee and homemade dessert ) and just wait for them to leave?

Also, they phone my partner and say they are coming in half an hour for a visit - they know we are home at this time - how do we avoid this.

When they personally ask me I just say no, we are not free however my husband feels the pressure as it's his family and they don't ask him permission to come - they just announce it!

OP posts:
TeenToTwenties · 10/08/2024 15:17

Could you proactively invite them for a more convenient time?

Slinkyminky22 · 10/08/2024 15:18

You might need to speak to them in person if your husband isn't on board with texting back to tell them no.
Remind them of everything you are busy with at that time of night, and tell them the best days and times to visit.

Imnotarestaurant · 10/08/2024 15:18

Stop offering dinner!! As a one off I wouldn’t mind but they are coming to you multiple times a week at dinner time expecting to be fed!!

Slinkyminky22 · 10/08/2024 15:19

Forgot to say definitely YANBU.

Original poster
SonK · 10/08/2024 15:20

TeenToTwenties · 10/08/2024 15:17

Could you proactively invite them for a more convenient time?

When I let them know I am not free on a certain day, I always let them know another day or two during the week they can visit - however this just gets ignored (by text) : (

OP posts:
Tiredeveryday · 10/08/2024 15:21

When they call and say they are coming, just say it is not convenient with getting the kids bathed etc. Follow it up quickly with an alternative time.

Repeat every single time they do it.

And stop feeding them!! They are coming at that time purposely to be fed. Would you impose yourself like that? No of course not, so don’t let them!

Original poster
SonK · 10/08/2024 15:22

Slinkyminky22 · 10/08/2024 15:18

You might need to speak to them in person if your husband isn't on board with texting back to tell them no.
Remind them of everything you are busy with at that time of night, and tell them the best days and times to visit.

Yes, I think I will need to mention how busy I am with everything. I imagine they have forgotten how hard it is looking after little ones as their child is now 13 years old

OP posts:
Tiredeveryday · 10/08/2024 15:22

Don’t text, pick up the phone then there are no excuses

DelphiniumBlue · 10/08/2024 15:23

Tell them that if they want to come at dinner time, you need more notice.
Alternatively, give them jobs, like bathing the babies, or cooking.

Despair1 · 10/08/2024 15:23

You are not being unreasonable at all but this situation needs to be handled sensitively as they are your husband's parents. Caring for 2 young children is extremely hard work and you aren't in a position to cater for them also. Could your husband tactfully suggest a pre planned time?

Comedycook · 10/08/2024 15:24

Don't offer them dinner.

Start asking them for help..."oh I'm just about to bath baby, can you help eldest get PJ's on and brush teeth, read story etc''

Original poster
SonK · 10/08/2024 15:25

Despair1 · 10/08/2024 15:23

You are not being unreasonable at all but this situation needs to be handled sensitively as they are your husband's parents. Caring for 2 young children is extremely hard work and you aren't in a position to cater for them also. Could your husband tactfully suggest a pre planned time?

Yes it is family, you are right I don't want to make family feel unwelcome. Also as an update they are not his parents but his brother's and sisters and their partners.
One family does not have children so pop in whenever it suits them, the others have older children who have later bedtimes : (

OP posts:
MeridianB · 10/08/2024 15:25

Sit them down with DH and explain you are juggling a lot and you love to see them but need to agree a better time for their visits. Or perhaps you can go to them every other time? Whatever works best for you.

Don’t be afraid to set a boundary. Also, your DH is letting you down by adding to your stress like this. But if he’s too scared or lazy to speak up then you absolutely should.

Original poster
SonK · 10/08/2024 15:27

Comedycook · 10/08/2024 15:24

Don't offer them dinner.

Start asking them for help..."oh I'm just about to bath baby, can you help eldest get PJ's on and brush teeth, read story etc''

I do this with my own family - they actually offer to help and my sister always brings dinner when she comes over. However, my partner's family will not even get up to put their teacup on the table. The house is a mess after they leave...

OP posts:
Original poster
SonK · 10/08/2024 15:28

MeridianB · 10/08/2024 15:25

Sit them down with DH and explain you are juggling a lot and you love to see them but need to agree a better time for their visits. Or perhaps you can go to them every other time? Whatever works best for you.

Don’t be afraid to set a boundary. Also, your DH is letting you down by adding to your stress like this. But if he’s too scared or lazy to speak up then you absolutely should.

I think this could work - we can visit them for an hour on a Sunday so they see niece and nephew. Thank you x

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/08/2024 15:28

Start going to their house instead at random inconvenient times.
They're so rude!

nonmerci99 · 10/08/2024 15:29

Omg absolutely not!! OP, for your own sanity and the sake of your marriage, you have got to shut this down immediately.

Original poster
SonK · 10/08/2024 15:29

TomatoSandwiches · 10/08/2024 15:28

Start going to their house instead at random inconvenient times.
They're so rude!

Gosh, I could never do this - I would feel so embarrassed!

OP posts:
Sfxde24 · 10/08/2024 15:29

Good grief my children are much older than that but will never forget how hard tiny children are. They sound awfully oblivious.
Who on earth accepts dinner from a parent of a newborn.

I would just cheerfully say sorry but you don’t have a scrap of extra energy for hosting and it’s not a good time.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/08/2024 15:30

SonK · 10/08/2024 15:29

Gosh, I could never do this - I would feel so embarrassed!

Show quote history

But they don't feel embarrassed do they.

You are a Saint to have not said something op.

LittleOwl153 · 10/08/2024 15:37

I would also ditch the desert. You need them to see they are inconvenient. Let DH make their tea, carry on with what you need to do. But DH needs to take control of this not leave it to you - that makes him as bad at adding yo your workload as they are in my view.

Original poster
SonK · 10/08/2024 17:51

LittleOwl153 · 10/08/2024 15:37

I would also ditch the desert. You need them to see they are inconvenient. Let DH make their tea, carry on with what you need to do. But DH needs to take control of this not leave it to you - that makes him as bad at adding yo your workload as they are in my view.

I will do this next time - will do bedtime with the babies after greeting them and will leave husband to do the rest. Thank you for this idea x

OP posts:
whatsappdoc · 10/08/2024 18:24

Absolutely get dh to host. Also they might feel they are putting him out as he is having to do 'women's work' so will either muck in or visit less often!

FlakyGreyEagle · 10/08/2024 18:27

SonK · 10/08/2024 15:20

When I let them know I am not free on a certain day, I always let them know another day or two during the week they can visit - however this just gets ignored (by text) : (

Show quote history

This is disrespectful and controlling

Chuzzle · 10/08/2024 18:31

Your DH needs to stop being pathetic and speak to his family and tell them it's not convenient. He needs to support you and he needs to stop being a wimp.
It shouldn't be down to you to manage his family and he needs to step up.
YANBU but please ask your partner to start behaving like a grown up and a partner and a parent rather than a doormat.