In-laws visiting too often - I have a 13 month old and a newborn

[SonK]

My in laws will call and announce they are coming in an hour at around 6pm /7pm once or twice a week and will stay until 9.

I don't mind if they ask a few days before and give notice once a week. That way I can make sure my partner and I have had dinner earlier and my 13 month old and newborn have had their bed time routine including baths.

However, they always announce they are coming at a time when I am busy prepping dinner for me and partner, getting babies ready for bed, and doing the evening clean and chores (washing bottles, sterilising etc.

Also, usually I offer dinner as they come at dinner time, however last time they came I didn't!

I did the prep but didn't lay out table or offer dinner because I was simply too tired and made a big batch to last the next day especially since it's not easy to cook from scratch everyday with two babies under two, when they eat with us there's nothing left for the next days lunch!

Am I being unreasonable to not offer dinner anymore (I still offer tea / coffee and homemade dessert ) and just wait for them to leave?

Also, they phone my partner and say they are coming in half an hour for a visit - they know we are home at this time - how do we avoid this.

When they personally ask me I just say no, we are not free however my husband feels the pressure as it's his family and they don't ask him permission to come - they just announce it!

And why are you running around like a red arsed baboon doing all the cooking and cleaning and bedtime and bathing - with a newborn no less!!

What does your pathetic husband do all evening?

Can't you just tell them that the evening isn't a good time for them to visit because you're tired and just want to have your tea and get the kids to bed?! Ask them to come at a more convenient time like the weekend or that you'll pop in and see them at the weekend. You need to be more assertive!

Looking at the vote, I must have interpreted the AIBU differently from most, as I think YABU to just accept it.
If they phone / text to say they are coming over, why not reply "No, don't come now it's a really bad time for us - why don't you come over at 10am tomorrow when {insert name of 3 yr old} is much less tired and will enjoy seeing you?"

If they are at work then, ask them to come over for lunch on Saturday, or if they fancy going to the park on Sunday with you or whatever it is that suits you.

Don't just accept them coming over if it doesn't work for you.

Yes I told husband this morning that it's getting to much now and although I understand it's family, I am not okay with the short notice - they should tell us a few days in advance.

My husband will sit with them, however as soon as they leave he will rush around trying to finish all the chores so I can relax.

It's just the timing is really bad - they leave at 9pm so we end up having a rushed and stressful dinner and also rushing the rest of our evening...

Thank you all for the brilliant ideas - yes I think I will just tell them know evenings are not good for us at this time and to pop in on a weekend during the day.

You are right, both husband and I need to be more assertive - I just worry we will appear as unwelcoming then, but surely they will understand our struggle with two little ones

Husband is very slow and I like to get the evening chores / dinner out of the way so I will usually put my 13 month old down with book and milk bottle and he watches our newborn.

If I leave the chores and cooking to him while I watch the children...it will not get done!

I know - I have told him several times he needs to help more and work as a team with me so we can get everything done quickly.

This could also work - I will explain to partner that I am mentally and physically drained, and he needs to explain this to his family as well..it really is affecting me especially since last night he mentioned his family from abroad would be visiting and want to stay with us mainly as we have a guest room.

I said no, there's no way I am hosting overnight guests at this time!

I think because I am really pushing myself (as all mothers do when it comes to their children) people, including my husband cannot see how hard and tiring it is : ( They think I have all this energy for them too...

If they're like this, I'd stop being so nice/polite. They're obviously not bothered about giving you any respect, so why should you be bothered about them?

The more you write, the more apparent it becomes that what you have is a DH problem.

Quite!

I find it sad to read this OP _ they are people with their own kids right? So they remember what it's like.

Visiting someone with a newborn and letting them feed you dinner! it is outrageous and incredibly thoughtless

I think this is a moment for honesty not polite hints - I would tell them very clearly - look, we are struggling with newborn and toddler and visitors at that time is making bedtime and dinner harder. Say 'oh Im sure you remember the sleepless days etc' - and then suggest a visit plan that would actually work for you

This is ridiculous from your in-laws.

1. Just say no.
2. Don't answer the phone.
3. Don't answer the door, if they turn up anyway.
4. Ask your husband to organise more sensible meeting times (once a week/fortnight/month/whatever). 5)If all that fails, move 100 miles away 😂

And definitely don't give them "homemade dessert"!

They're not guests they're grandparents. Either don't offer them dinner or ask for help making the dinner. Give them jobs to do while they're there. That might be their expectation anyway? It would have been with my kids grandparents. Perhaps they come then because they want to be involved in the evening meal and bedtime routine. And if they don't they'll soon stop coming then.

What am I reading?! Your DH needs to say no. He's putting them before you and his kids. They wouldn't get in my house but if they somehow did I'd keep shouting down instructions to DH while I was bathing the older one or whatever "DH, please get the 2 chicken legs out of the fridge and put them in the oven so we can eat in 40 mins", "DH, please hang that washing out while the baby is playing on their mat. gosh, it never ends but we want to get to bed ourselves before 10 don't we." Don't offer tea, certainly not dinner or pudding! Start directing them to help too. Do not stand for this shit.

They’re not grandparents. It’s two sets of aunts and uncles, one set haven’t got kids.

I'd keep shouting down instructions to DH while I was bathing the older one or whatever "DH, please get the 2 chicken legs out of the fridge and put them in the oven so we can eat in 40 mins", "DH, please hang that washing out while the baby is playing on their mat. gosh, it never ends but we want to get to bed ourselves before 10 don't we."

just reinforces her role as organiser and his as helper.

You have a dh problem. He is putting everyone before you and your kids.

Id be so angry with him!

Start greeting them at the door with a load of laundry, thankful they have arrived to help with the evening chores while you and husband get the children bathed and settled for bed. Then go do that. Don't entertain them.

Or husband grows some balls and says no. They aren't his parents, which is understandably harder to say no to, they are CF siblings.

Practice and repeat, selecting any of the below

"Good to see you, whilst you are here please can you tidy the kitchen/wash the bottles/fold the laundry/make me a cuppa while you make one for yourselves/put the hoover over/unstack the dishwasher/sorry I haven't made extra for tea but feel free to order yourselves a takeaway iif you want to eat with us"

My in laws did this, it drove me nuts. They didn’t even let us know, they just turned up. We moved 200 miles away, that stopped it.

Hand MIL the baby as she comes in and say "could you please get this one bathed and into pyjamas please".

Hand FIL a knife/pair of oven gloves and say "DH will let you know what needs to be done".

Give DH a kiss on the cheek and say "right dear, now you have your parents to help you with dinner and bedtime, I'm popping out for a bit of peace and quiet. Let me know when everyone's asleep in bed and I'll come back".

Leave before anyone can stop you. Go visit a friend, pop out to a cafe, sit in your car whatever. Just take some time for you.

Three adults ought to be able to manage two small children between them.

If it's not parents, I would feel even less guilt about abandoning the whole lot of them.

My in laws used to come round when mine were a similar age. They never helped, just sat there. They used to come unannounced so I stopped answering the door. Even if they knew we were in, could see cars in drive, hear baby etc, I just ignored it. They soon stopped.

IT ISN’T THE GRANDPARENTS.