In-laws visiting too often - I have a 13 month old and a newborn

[SonK]

My in laws will call and announce they are coming in an hour at around 6pm /7pm once or twice a week and will stay until 9.

I don't mind if they ask a few days before and give notice once a week. That way I can make sure my partner and I have had dinner earlier and my 13 month old and newborn have had their bed time routine including baths.

However, they always announce they are coming at a time when I am busy prepping dinner for me and partner, getting babies ready for bed, and doing the evening clean and chores (washing bottles, sterilising etc.

Also, usually I offer dinner as they come at dinner time, however last time they came I didn't!

I did the prep but didn't lay out table or offer dinner because I was simply too tired and made a big batch to last the next day especially since it's not easy to cook from scratch everyday with two babies under two, when they eat with us there's nothing left for the next days lunch!

Am I being unreasonable to not offer dinner anymore (I still offer tea / coffee and homemade dessert ) and just wait for them to leave?

Also, they phone my partner and say they are coming in half an hour for a visit - they know we are home at this time - how do we avoid this.

When they personally ask me I just say no, we are not free however my husband feels the pressure as it's his family and they don't ask him permission to come - they just announce it!

You need to get your h to either come up with set days or for him to say “Not tonight but tomorrow will be great”
Definitely not unreasonable to not offer food- if they want to eat with you and the kids then they need to come earlier to fit in with the kids’ schedules.

I notice that you say you are busy with the evening chores when they arrive - do they come to see your h rather than the whole family ? I’d find it awkward chilling while another family member was cleaning etc but that’s normal in some households.

Imo bath and put your dc to bed as normal. The time they arrive isn't best for your dc. Tell them that.

Just tell them that is not convenient for you and offer another day/time.
Who says they get to come whenever they are free? Even if it means you're busy?

1)You need to stop actually hosting them, otherwise you're sending mixed signals.
Great that you've stopped making them dinner.
But give them jobs - ask if they want to unload the dishwasher or fold laundry since you're on bath duty.
Don't make tea or coffee.
Just go about the routine like they're not visiting.
Then be EXTRA hospitable when they are there when you've agreed it - offer alternative slots which DO work for you, and reward that by being a good host.

2. And above all.. your partner should be messaging them the same thing! It's mad to impose on a family with 2 under 2. He should be gate keeping his parents.

3. You also need to break this routine to reset. A bout of illness where you're not up to visitors could work wonders.

My sil did this 4 nights a week. Turned up empty handed and ate all my food and stole all my time.
I'd be so rude if I could have the time again.
I'd dump a pile of laundry to sort all over the sofa just before they get there- say sorry been looking busy, you'll have to help fold if you want to sit down.

Stop ALL food, even biscuits. Apologise everytime saying how busy things are with the baby. Hide the cooked dinner and plate up yours, then chuck in the microwave. Eat in front of them and say its just leftovers, your staving from running around with kids all day sorry nothing for them.

Then imagine you hear the baby and go and hide upstairs.

Everyone know the only acceptable time to visit someone with a newborn is in the day when invited and then hold baby when required . What's the point in coming in the evening. They are just stealing your time and energy. And dinner!

Honestly I wouldn't even leave DH to host. He is part of the issue here with not growing a backbone to his siblings and saying no each time they text. Nope DH needs to just leave his siblings as he needs to help bath the kids, sort their bedtime routine all with you. The siblings will soon get the hint when there is nobody there to talk to or wait on them hand and foot. Then next time they text "sorry we've got to do bedtime routine for X and Y" if they turn up let them in and just leave them again to sit by themselves. Why are you doing all the heavy lifting of getting the kids to bed and doing the chores?

Your DH and his siblings are proper CFs watching you skivvy for them whilst also looking after two tiny children

Lock the door. Stop letting them in!

I wouldn't host them and completely ignore them. Don't let DH sit and chat with them either, he needs to do his part around bedtime etc.

A couple of really uncomfortable visits like that will put them off.

time when I am busy prepping dinner for me and partner, getting babies ready for bed, and doing the evening clean and chores (washing bottles, sterilising etc.

You've had some excellent advice, but I just want to ask, what’s your DH doing while you’re doing all this?

Just carry on with what you are doing.

If someone comes round uninvited or after you have already made it clear it's inconvenient i think its fine to say hi. And carry on. Bath the kids and put them to bed. Continue cooking tea. And dish it up and let them Watch you eat.

they’re family. If them coming over at 6 doesn’t suit you change it. But I don’t think once or twice a week is too often for family that live locally

Oh how rude!
What if you already had friends over?

What if "X"day is "date night" and you are wearing your kinky kit to open the door with and have the lights low and DH has a gimp mask on

Or you have a babysitter there and are going out?

Or just take the kids out for a drive in the car so that no one is home when they come round?

Definitely need to have some contagious illness to stop them coming over for a while
(Raging head lice, impetigo could be a good one? Or you have a flea infestation you are working on treating (a "neighbours cat" keeps getting in and you've seen them hopping on the carpet)

You sound heroically organised. I have no idea how you do it. I want to subscribe to your mailing list.

Agree, just keep doing whatever it is you need to do - bath time, washing up etc. don’t offer any good except a cup of tea then ask your DH to make it while you disappear upstairs. If you get any break at all, stay upstairs and just scroll/chill/paint your toenails

I can never understand why people just accept friends/relatives telling them that they are visiting! Surely it's not up to them? It's your home,if it's not convenient,say so.

This would drive me bonkers. I’d make it clear it’s unacceptable and get it stopped.

Simply say you are too tired/stressful getting both sorted in the evening and suggest and other time.

OR
Make use of them , they could bathe and read to the 13 month old (my parents love doing this) they you can stelle however you usually do. Perhaps they could bring a dish when they come you all eat together and it’s one less job for you. Then it turns a chore into something enjoyable. Perhaps your DH could gently suggest this?

Next time they are leaving, say loudly and cheerfully, "So we'll see next, a week on Friday in the early afternoon, I'm really busy until then."

Don't offer them dinner or pudding either, and tell your husband to make tea & coffee as you are too busy. "Husband will look after you, while I get on with things".
Hopefully, they will soon get the message!

DH needs to phone back and tell them no. Why is he not? Why are you tolerating this? They seem clueless.

Let them know you want to draw up a schedule to get organised so which days would they like to come .. then suggest a pot luck bring a dish dinner on those nights and suggest something MIL makes easily and well and say it's your favourite. That way they feel in involved as do they and you've dropped the ever so subtle hint you need notice plus you know when they are coming.

as do you *

If they come over so often, why don't you get them involved in the bed time routine?

Could they help out in any way?

If your husband allows them in he can feed them

The cheek of them!

They need to be told directly and unambiguously that evening visits don't work for you at all because of bedtime and the million other things you and your H need to get done in the evening.

Tell them to call you directly to make arrangements for weekend pop ins.

Tell your husband to grow a pair. He's letting them walk all over you.

And never, ever offer them food again in the evening if they disregard you, or even a glass of water.