Does husband need to take responsibility for this?

[Bucketbluebell]

I'll start this by saying my husband is a lovely person. He's loving, reliable, hardworking, present etc.

He acts like every day is a celebration which in theory is very nice but in practical terms I believe is quite damaging.

He has a responsible and well-paid job. He has enough money for his part of the mortgage and bills but for any big purchases he definitely believes in taking out loans rather than saving up.

He is extremely generous with the whole family and loves to buy us all presents. The kids love it but mostly I make sure to avoid admiring anything near him because it'll turn up a few days later. The kids are overwhelmed with stuff. My husband is never happier than when he's out at the shops buying stuff.

He loves to eat well as well and although he is making serious efforts with the children and trying to understand healthy eating (though not doing it), he is health-threateningly overweight and we've already had to make a concerted effort to stop our older child going in the same direction.

Last week he received a letter from HMRC which he knows is related to an unpaid tax bill from last year, which he did make initial enquiries about at the time and then forgot. It's a significant sum, not crippling but enough to make life rough for a little while. It's not the first time he's neglected to deal with something important.

The thing is, half of me thinks that, while our children and our general finances are okay, I need to leave him to it. He's an otherwise responsible adult and must make his own choices.

But the other half of me really craves an equal partnership with someone with the same values as me. I strive to live carefully, to make healthy choices, to be environmentally responsible, to live simply and mindfully.

But I'm also weak willed and afraid I do crumble more than I ought. I have way more stuff than I need and I'm overweight as well as my diet has changed so much.

And I have to admit I have changed since we married. When I was younger I loved buying clothes, going to nice restaurants and drinking without a thought for the consequences.

So maybe it's all my fault for having changed. But I'm so tired of being the grown up and of being the one who always, always says no while he splurges on treat after treat with apparently no thought for the consequences.

What do I do?

It's difficult when you've changed but he hasn't and he doesn't acknowledge that your current lifestyle isn't sustainable. Would he consider going to relationship counselling with you?

In the meanwhile, you can't change his behaviour, you can only change your own. You can choose to eat more healthily and exercise more (yes, I do know how difficult that is!), so at least your children have one decent role model in terms of health.

@MsVestibule thanks so much for your advice 😊 I think counselling is a no-go as he hates talking about feelings.

But you're right I could be a better role model - it's probably in part my shortcomings there which encourage him to continue living like he does! If I get properly on top of it he might start to see the benefits.

YES your husband does need to take some responsibility... and learn to be an Adult!

The living the high life, gifting and treats as a love language is all very well... but unpaid tax bills are going to come back to bite him - and likely you!

I'd struggle to live like this. I'd want a budget set up to clear the tax bill, and have some savings aside for things like appliances and other necessary/big spends. And I'd expect him to be honest about what other debt he has. The problem with being married is that his debt is your debt and if he wrecks his credit score it will make your life so much harder.

Thanks @LittleOwl153 . I'd like to live like that too! The truth is that he hasn't even opened the letter yet so we can't start thinking about budgeting for it. The only good news is that we each have our own accounts for our salaries so at least I can protect my money for essential expenses.

It sounds like you need to meet in the middle. He's too far one way and you're too far the other way. You say you are comfortable financially. I wouldn't want to start living carefully I'd want the meals out/drinks out/nights out and so on. But a nice balance.

Hand it him and tell him you're married and you need to know what's going on with your family finances

He says he'll open it next week. I don't want to push him and make him unhappy, even though I'm unhappy not knowing what the situation is.

Sounds like hes a liability. Youre trying to live a life within your means so theres no surprises but hes buying stuff left right and centre. Id be worried he may have taken any loans out. Hows he paying for these “surprises”? Also, how can you just forget to follow up on a significant amount of tax to be repaid? I wouldnt be happy about this. Hes left you in shit street now and if he came home with anymore gifts whilst paying off, id see red

@GreenIvyy trust me we're both as bad as each other for forgetting paperwork!

And what does seeing red look like? I can't see that shouting or giving ultimatums will help, and it's really not worth breaking up the family over either. I feel powerless.

He's living in lala land!

I'm wondering if he deals with stress and negative feelings by shopping? My mil and sil were like that. A bit like how some drink their feelings, some eat their feelings, they shopped their feelings. It becomes a vicious cycle.

Seeing red would mean an argument in my house. Id be very pissed off that there was a massive bill to pay in the first place, especially when it means ive got to pay towards something that ive not done. Id be angry with him that he got it in the first place/put money aside for this (is he self employed?). Tbh weve always had separate accounts/money in my house, so if my H got a tax bill, i wouldnt pay any of it, thats on him!

Tell him to open the letter and call HMRC and they will very likely set up a repayment plan.

He sounds like an immature man child who needs to grow up, realise he’s an adult with responsibilities and start living up to them.

You're being very passive here. I'd be enraged. I hate any debt though.

He definitely has a big problem.

If I try to say anything he clams up. I don't want to be passive but it's his mistake and I'm not sure how much I can intervene.

I feel for you.

You clearly aren't in LTB territory but it sounds like you are being pulled down.

Opening it next week isn't good enough when you say you're both bad for forgetting paperwork.
Get him to do it now. Unpaid tax is serious if its ignored. No heads in the sand for this one!!

He asked for a repayment plan last year and they never replied, which is why it fell by the wayside.

Just to rub salt into the wound, I'm currently clearing out some of my stuff to make room for my children's clothes in my closet because both of their chests of drawers and the overflow section is full.

I’d be opening the letter. Yes it may be addressed to him but the contents of it affect you both. Then once you know what you’re dealing with I’d tell him we’re going to sit down and work out a budget or he can move out.

You say it isn’t worth breaking up the family but honestly if he’s using shopping to make him feel better then he’s as bad as an alcoholic or drug addict and he needs some support to see where this is heading if he doesn’t deal with it head on.

@Bucketbluebell And this is exactly what you say to him “No heads in the sand for this one. You forgot once and we cant afford for you to forget again. Open it now so that we can deal with it”

Why don’t you clear out the kids clothes instead of your own? Start selling them if you need to and put the money away for a rainy day. Your DH sounds frustratingly financially reckless and you will probably need a rainy day fund somewhere. I think he has deeper issues that he’s not dealing with. All this treating himself and others whilst not being able to talk about anything meaningful screams un-dealt with trauma.

Do not mess with the Tax Department. My FIL did a similar thing to your DH, and never recovered from it - it cost him among other things, his marriage, his family, his friends, their house. . . all because he loved playing the big rich I Am, and pretended that all the shit he was storing up would go away without him ever having to deal with it, or suffer any repercussions. And he dragged far too many people down with him on the way, his wonderful, trusting wife, all his off spring to varying degrees, far too many of his friends who he hit up for money (they then turned up to his son's restaurant, asking him for recompense). . .

So if this is LAST YEARS tax bill he hasn't made any arrangement to pay yet... they'll be close to taking it to court if he isn't responding. This is SERIOUS. If he gets a CCJ to his name - then he won't be able to rent or get a re- mortgage for at least 7 years... it will all be on you, on your salary alone. Can your family live on your salary alone? On paper - I get that the reality is that you already are as his is all for treats!

And you're clearing our your stuff because of his spending.. why not clear out the kids and sell some of the excess... or his stuff? You are teaching the kids treats for them/him come first and you will deal with the consequences!

I couldn't be married to someone with so many huge issues which jeopardise the family.

He's not generous, he has a shopping addiction.
It really is that simply.
You think it is all about you and your children, but it is all about him.

Then he shuts you down by refusing to talk.
His over eating is part of the emotional issue.

You are afraid of bringing it up and him being angry or upset....which effectively shuts you down.

This is a really shit marriage with financial abuse.
He spends, you worry.

Get some counselling for yourself to get you out of this fog and hopefully to give you the strength and bravery to see the wood from the trees.

My close friend is married to someone similar for 30 years.
He has just spent their second and final inheritance from his mother.
Money that would have been better spent on their youngests university has been spent on an expensive campervan.

She works, has a good job, but whilst he wants to retire soon on his small pension and commit to his many interests and hobbies, she will have to work on.

A shit show.
I can't stand him and we haven't socialised with him for a good 15 years, too selfish.

She's so lovely. Despite earning well and technically having loads of money, she has worried about money for the duration of our 25 friendship.

With what he has spent on shite over 30 years, they could both be happily retired.
It's hard to watch and listen to.