Does husband need to take responsibility for this?

[Bucketbluebell]

I'll start this by saying my husband is a lovely person. He's loving, reliable, hardworking, present etc.

He acts like every day is a celebration which in theory is very nice but in practical terms I believe is quite damaging.

He has a responsible and well-paid job. He has enough money for his part of the mortgage and bills but for any big purchases he definitely believes in taking out loans rather than saving up.

He is extremely generous with the whole family and loves to buy us all presents. The kids love it but mostly I make sure to avoid admiring anything near him because it'll turn up a few days later. The kids are overwhelmed with stuff. My husband is never happier than when he's out at the shops buying stuff.

He loves to eat well as well and although he is making serious efforts with the children and trying to understand healthy eating (though not doing it), he is health-threateningly overweight and we've already had to make a concerted effort to stop our older child going in the same direction.

Last week he received a letter from HMRC which he knows is related to an unpaid tax bill from last year, which he did make initial enquiries about at the time and then forgot. It's a significant sum, not crippling but enough to make life rough for a little while. It's not the first time he's neglected to deal with something important.

The thing is, half of me thinks that, while our children and our general finances are okay, I need to leave him to it. He's an otherwise responsible adult and must make his own choices.

But the other half of me really craves an equal partnership with someone with the same values as me. I strive to live carefully, to make healthy choices, to be environmentally responsible, to live simply and mindfully.

But I'm also weak willed and afraid I do crumble more than I ought. I have way more stuff than I need and I'm overweight as well as my diet has changed so much.

And I have to admit I have changed since we married. When I was younger I loved buying clothes, going to nice restaurants and drinking without a thought for the consequences.

So maybe it's all my fault for having changed. But I'm so tired of being the grown up and of being the one who always, always says no while he splurges on treat after treat with apparently no thought for the consequences.

What do I do?

Why is it harder on your kids to throw unwanted stuff away than it is to provide them with a space to play?

Parenthood should be about setting your kids up for success as adults and having a healthy relationship with money and possessions is part of that.

As lots of other people have said you are enabling him. Presumably although you have doubts and worries you don't find it so uncomfortable that you will do anything about it. It's easier to go with it. So that's it really. Is it okish enough for you to just go along with it?

He is gluttonous for food and things. You are extraordinarily passive.

I’d strongly suggest you both seek therapy. I know you said he won’t, but I rather think he needs it. Desperately.

Op as an aside I used to regularly sell unused or lightly worn children’s clothes and toys at a local charity sale which was held end October annually. Paid £10 for the pitch that helps out the charity. Brought folding table in car, bags of change from bank, old carrier bags and an old zip up bum bag for takings. I used to make approximately £250 a go. Sometimes a bit less. But you could do that with all the unwanted things in your house and put the funds towards the tax bill. The key is finding the right second hand market for the right product.

It’s a lot of prep washing, sorting and pricing everything; if your stall looks organised, you sell more. Obviously your dh would have to help and give up his Saturdays. Might give him pause for thought before buying more stuff!

Sorry but this is incredibly immature and irresponsible. Just get him to open the letter today. He obviously knows it’s going to be bad hence trying to ignore it.

This is no way to behave. HMRC will want the tax due. He’s already ignored it for far too long. This needs to stop. It’s also rather pathetic that his parents still have to bail him out with bills.

I couldn’t live like this. Of course it impacts you.

He says he'll open it next week. I don't want to push him and make him unhappy, even though I'm unhappy not knowing what the situation is.

Girl! Get your shit together!

This man is damaging you. This situation would clamp my fanny up, really.

Kids are much better in divorce than living in a toxic situation.

It's interesting, as I've been taking Mounjaro (weight loss injection) for a few months and one thing that it's done, beside helping me to lose weight, is to quieten my brain. It not only reduces my thoughts about food, it stops impulsive behaviour. Drinking alcohol, smoking, gambling and other addictive behaviours have been helped by tons of people taking the injections. It would be really interesting to see how your husband would be on that sort of drug, particularly if he took it for his weight and didn't know in advance about its impact on other behaviour.

He is in denial. Open the letter. Why can it wait til next week? Or does he think the contents would ruin the weekend? It's already ruined.

Hmrc are v helpful imo. And they set up repayment plans on the spot over the phone. You don't ' wait for replies in the post' you can even set them up online with the hmrc app.

Is he telling the truth? You could lose your house if his name is on it. He sounds exhausting and will worry you into an early grave.

I think if he addressed the food/addiction at OA life would become more manageable and other things would become easier it may not stop the binge eating immediately but will certainly spoil it
the 12 sep programme (s) give a plan for living (support for abstinence from the binge food once engaged with support changes can be miraculous he has got to reach a kind ofrock bottom before this happens
you could have a look at O-anon website they have support for family and friends of people with eating disorders there are lots of links with online groups etc