Does husband need to take responsibility for this?

[Bucketbluebell]

I'll start this by saying my husband is a lovely person. He's loving, reliable, hardworking, present etc.

He acts like every day is a celebration which in theory is very nice but in practical terms I believe is quite damaging.

He has a responsible and well-paid job. He has enough money for his part of the mortgage and bills but for any big purchases he definitely believes in taking out loans rather than saving up.

He is extremely generous with the whole family and loves to buy us all presents. The kids love it but mostly I make sure to avoid admiring anything near him because it'll turn up a few days later. The kids are overwhelmed with stuff. My husband is never happier than when he's out at the shops buying stuff.

He loves to eat well as well and although he is making serious efforts with the children and trying to understand healthy eating (though not doing it), he is health-threateningly overweight and we've already had to make a concerted effort to stop our older child going in the same direction.

Last week he received a letter from HMRC which he knows is related to an unpaid tax bill from last year, which he did make initial enquiries about at the time and then forgot. It's a significant sum, not crippling but enough to make life rough for a little while. It's not the first time he's neglected to deal with something important.

The thing is, half of me thinks that, while our children and our general finances are okay, I need to leave him to it. He's an otherwise responsible adult and must make his own choices.

But the other half of me really craves an equal partnership with someone with the same values as me. I strive to live carefully, to make healthy choices, to be environmentally responsible, to live simply and mindfully.

But I'm also weak willed and afraid I do crumble more than I ought. I have way more stuff than I need and I'm overweight as well as my diet has changed so much.

And I have to admit I have changed since we married. When I was younger I loved buying clothes, going to nice restaurants and drinking without a thought for the consequences.

So maybe it's all my fault for having changed. But I'm so tired of being the grown up and of being the one who always, always says no while he splurges on treat after treat with apparently no thought for the consequences.

What do I do?

It’s understandable to want joy, but the amount of stuff you all have means that it’s not making you happy any more. Eating and drinking treats is making you uncomfortable and not happier… do you think that he could approach change from that perspective? That celebration is wonderful but you need new ways to celebrate?

I’d consider some radical honesty. Dh I love you, but as it is the house is overflowing and I am overwhelmed. We need less stuff not more. Also, I don’t want you to drop dead on me in a few years and I get to remember you as my kids father who didn’t care enough about their future to get healthy, and has also set our children on unhealthy life trajectories which leads to disease and poor quality of life, while I get random bills turn up from things you forgot to sort to remind me of you. Those reminders won’t be awww he was so wonderful moments.

please could we open the tax bill, make a budget plan, which will be massively helped by having a buy nothing month during which we clean out the kids clothes and start to think about healthy eating and an active lifestyle? I know I need to work on those two too and I’d like us to work on it together with the children and set them up for a healthy life. Please.

id be falling out of love to be honest, but I value fitness and health quite highly, not least so I can enjoy retirement and being an active grandparent!

Rather than you removing your things, could you ask him to find a solution to the children having too much stuff? It might make him see more clearly

Can he sort out the kids clothes as a consequence of his overspending - it might also show him just how much stuff they have. You shouldn't be doing that while he gets a warm fuzzy feeling from giving a gift.

Start making sure he gets receipts and starts taking things back. A gift should be about the recipient, not the giver, and the sooner he realises he's just giving stress, the better.

Yes he needs to grow and take responsibility for himself. Like sorting out HMRC when things come up, not just ignoring it.

You say he doesn’t like to talk about feeling and happiest when shopping. The two are likely linked.

But you will likely need to compromise as well. It’s not ‘live simply’ or his way. You can meet in the middle.

Also you need to take responsibility for yourself as well. It’s not his fault you crumble. And if him being overweight and unhealthy habits impacted your child weight and eating habits, then your eating habits and weight also impacted the child. It can’t be just his fault.

and it can’t be his fault you need to lose weight (I say this as someone who is over weight and trying to learn healthy eating habits myself). You need to take responsibility for yourself as well. You have control of your own life too.

Yes your dh does need to take responsibility for this op but you catch more flies with honey than vinegar! Constantly saying no is not your job, nor is it the answer.

I recognise my dh a bit in your dh op, but not as extreme. They are fundamentally good life affirming people. My dh loves food and I think, wastes a lot of money on it. In my husband’s case, it was to do with his childhood where, as a pp said, his family “never argued” as they were fond of telling me, but instead ate all of their emotions It is also about control in his case as he never had money to spend.

I think a weekend away with your dh would be good. Really talk to him. Get close and create a good communicative atmosphere. Emphasise all of his positive points and ask why he feels the need to spend so much frivolously (say it more tactfully than that) and really listen? Is it self esteem? A need to be loved? A sense of being in control?

Make sure he knows how much you love and value him for who he is and not for any presents he buys you, but that this is becoming a real problem in your marriage and could you reach some compromise on it? Tell him how unsafe it makes you feel having bills going unpaid and you want more savings in the bank. And how unfair it is and how bad it makes you feel to be put in the role of spending monitor.

Maybe you could agree that you will move towards becoming more spontaneous in various ways and he moves towards reducing his spending and paying the bills in a timely manner and instigating a savings plan?

If this doesn’t work, a few sessions with a marriage counsellor to address this specific issue might be good. Usually the solution for similar problems is to communicate better, and put strategies in place that make you feel safe (a monthly accounts review meeting?) and allow him to spend spontaneously but that the spending is curtailed (a certain amount reserved in a joint account for presents once all bills are paid and savings deposited).

Having said all of that, he definitely needs to pay off this particular bill himself or he won’t learn otherwise. And he needs to agree to be open and transparent about future bills and when they are paid.

I'm stunned how passive you're being!
You don't want to 'make him unhappy' by mentioning the massive financial mess you're about to be in? What about your happiness? And that of the children?
You need a frank and open conversation.

Your own weight / health is your responsibility though I'm afraid

Open the letter yourself. Waiting to next week is nonsense.

Bless you OP.

I was in a similar boat to you. DH liked to spend like there's no tomorrow, and was in a bit of debt (a personal loan with a bank - which he never ever needed in the first place...), whereas i was the 'frugal' one. We've found a really good balance now after a serious chat and full overview of finances every month. He sends me big a chunk of his wage every month to put in our savings pot so he can't spend it (his idea).😅

You need to sit him down this weekend when kids are in bed, and have a serious chat. He needs to open the letter and face it head on. It's HMRC for christ sake, it isn't something that will go away. There can be serious consequences for unpaid tax bills.

I would want to know what his plan of action is, and how he will pay/manage it i.e - what's he going to cut back on? and does he realise how this will affect the family. Does he realise the consequences of his actions?

Sometimes if you plainly lay out the consequences of their spending in real terms. I.e with that £8K it could have gone towards ... a family holiday he wanted/Christmas presents/weekend away/birthdays/decorating kids room/new bathroom/something the children really wanted - but now we can't afford that, it can make them realise?

If your DH listens, it's a fresh chance to go over your combined finances, and make a new monthly family budget of incomings/outgoings. For my DH, writing down his outgoings in one place made him gasp at all the frivolous crap he was spending on and really opened his eyes. Doing this may make him realise he has a problem with spending which he may need to speak to his GP/a therapist about.

If he buries his head in the sand about tax bills, are you certain he doesn't have any other secret debt too?

Time for some tough love OP.
You first - you are enabling him.
He has a real problem and your reaction is to wait for him to sort himself out because you don't want to make him unhappy.
If you lose your home you will all be unhappy. Open the envelope. Now. In front of him.
Do your children enjoy being swamped with stuff, seriously? They are going to grow up with the same inability to regulate their spending/eating.
If you can't do it for your own sake or your husband's sake, take control for their sake. It's no way for them to live.
And you can start by having a one in, one out policy. They do not have any room for any more stuff, so every time your DH buys them something, you take an old toy/game pair of jeans and donate or sell it on vinted etc.
Do not let their stuff start to creep into your space. Stop that right now

Can you work out why he is like this? It could help. Did he grow up poor and is making up for it? Did he grow up wealthy and with a family who behaves similarly? Once he thinks about what need this fills in him, he can try to work through it or find a better way to deal with his motivation.

I think you're seriously under reacting op.

He's overweight and in debt. This could have severe consequences for you and your family. Just because he's doing it with a smile on his face it doesn't make his behaviour any less damaging.

You need to be firm , and mean what you say. He can't be left to it as he's not a single person. That's selfish of him to ask of you.

That's something I've been asking myself. His parents are lovely. Maybe they help him a little too much? They are very generous and have often stepped in in the past when he's had a big bill to pay. And I've benefited from it too- we wouldn't have our house if they hadn't given us a good chunk of money!

@NewDogOwner why is it the op's responsibility to do this? This needs to dropped at his feet , respectfully and with support and encouragement obviously.

If he's got previous for racking up big bills that mummy and daddy bail him out for, hes not likely to stop doing this op. I personally couldn’t live like this with the uncertainty of his financial incompetence

I've tried one in one out, but it seems so hard on a little kid. Often I assuage the anxiety that comes with the clutter by chucking out my own stuff. I definitely by far have the smallest amount of stuff of all of us (except for the piano which husband bought when I mentioned I'd love to learn one day - a gorgeous gesture but it's gathering dust).

Also, no, my children don't enjoy being swamped with stuff. Their rooms are a disaster and there's no space to play.

It's not harsh on a little kid to make their life more pleasant by getting rid of crap.

Seriously, go through all of their stuff. Sell anything that no longer fits, put that money in an account of your own, not a joint account.
Sit with them and work out what toys, games and books they don't use/play with and sell those too.

I'd be making steps towards restricting his money, too.
and force him to call hmrc.

My friends husband is exactly the same. Although he was telling her he had paid the red council tax and rent bills that were coming through. He was spending money on new cars, phones, food etc; they were evicted a few months later. Open the letter. Get a plan in place ASAP before this spirals.

PS: use the piano.
get it tuned, open the lid, learn. Encourage the children to learn.
At least you might feel a bit more in control.

Have you actually told your husband all the things you’re telling us? Have you brought him into the room when you’re trying to find space for stuff and said “Look, this has got to be a wake-up call: I love you and I know you love to be generous, but we have far, far too much stuff; this is over the top and it’s not actually making any of us happy now. It’s got to stop. Do you think maybe it would help to have a think about why you’re buying all this stuff and why you can’t stop? Because it’s at the point now where it does feel a bit like a shopping addiction and that’s really worrying me.”

This sounds depressingly prescient! That's exactly where my life is headed in no uncertain terms.

BUT, and like other posters have said, I have to take control of myself too. Husband does pay his share of the mortgage, more than his share of the bills (as he has the higher salary). I'm the one who chooses to go along with this lifestyle. I'm overweight because I choose to put the food in my mouth. I'm typing this message on a fancy new phone that I let him give me. I let him buy me a new pair of shoes and a new top last week when I don't need any. I let myself be talked into getting a new car when the old one was perfectly adequate. I'm being a hypocrite and it's easy to sit here fatly thinking about how great it would be thin if only it wasn't for him.

I've tried.. But it seems so hard on a little kid..
Again, OP, you are part of the problem here. I had to do this with my DD because we lived in a tiny house and had no more space. I explained it simply, she understood and was able to choose things she no longer wanted. With clothes it's easier. If they are too small, get rid.
You are not helping your children by being this soft. If they were sick and needed treatment, you wouldn't refuse it because it might be a bit unpleasant would you. Well this is for their mental health. And yours. And the long term resilience of the whole family.
You need to change your perspective on this urgently.

Op , if you can't sit your partner down have a conversation about how their behaviour is impacting your (and the kids) life negatively then you have a problem. You should be able to do this with each other and have that person make self motivated changes with support. I've been where you are and it ended in divorce. I am now married to a person that takes responsibility for himself and it is not only refreshing , but also vital.

Crossposted with you OP. Sounds like you've started to see what's wrong. Can you get help/advice to support you in making the change?