Is it rude to always reverse invitations

[Drearydiedre]

We have some friends who moved to our area a couple of years ago. It turns out our paths have crossed in the past - dhs worked at the same company years ago and got on well. Dc go to the same school and get on. Dd is always wanting their dd over to play.

Over the last couple of years I have invited them to a handful of things. They are lovely and polite but always reverse the invitation so that it happens at their house. For example if I invite their dd for a playdate, somehow my dd ends up there. Eg 'lovely idea! Actually we have the pool out why doesn't your dd come here tomorrow?'. I invited the mum over for coffee when we were walking back from the school run on our days off but somehow the coffee happened at hers even though we walked past my front door. It didn't really bother but yesterday I scrolled back through our messages and saw this had happened every single time. We have this weird situation now where we are pretty good family friends but none of them have set foot in our house and Dd is still desperate for a playdate at our house.

Is this rude? Do they just like things on their terms or is this a non issue? I am being asked to organise another playdate but am reluctant to as I know I won't be hosting!

I would message and say DD would love to show friend her garden / bedroom / favourite toy so could they come round after school today for a play date.

If the mum says oh but we have the pool out bla bla just say great, let's do that tomorrow. Looking forward to the girls playing with xx later.

It's weird. Is it that their house is spotlessly clean? I wonder if there is some sort of germphobia, like the posters on here who won't eat in someone elses house in case they've put the tea towels in the wash with the knickers.

Yes, exactly as @zonder suggests. If there is a reason they aren't coming - eg their dd gets anxious at other houses, from the sounds of things you are now at the point where you are good enough friends they need to be honest with you.

Friendly, polite but clear that the invite is specifically at your house.

I think it’s a little odd that you’ve never once replied back “oh DD is looking forward to showing X her toys so let’s do it here” or “you’ve hosted the last x times so I insist on returning the favour”.

Yeah I would say there may be more underlying rather than rudeness, certainly not rude as she's accepting the invitations and obviously wanting them to play. She may also just be one of those people who is super polite and doesn't want to put on you so always offers hers as an option.
Her kids may also like to be in their own environment etc
I wouldn't take it as rudeness at all, but definitely agree with the line of saying Ng your daughter really wants to show her bedroom etc and that it's your turn

I think you're probably right. I need to be more forceful with my invitations! I'm quite a laid back person and this has never bothered me before. It's just on reflection.

I guess I can't decide whether it's a bit rude though? This has happened with a whole family invitation too. I suggested a bbq, they were already thinking of getting their bbq out. Suddenly we were all there!

Their dd is very sociable and confident but I suppose there could be issues I hadn't considered. They are definitely not neat freaks!

I suspect its a don't want little one on own at yours or sI would let it drift if I am honest - cant always be pandering. Try asking little girl on play date and Mum for coffee at the same time, make it your last shot

Do you have a big slobbery dog? I always avoided going to friends houses where they had dogs as I was scared of them (still am!) and probably wouldn't send my children to a dog owning house if I didn't know the parents extremely well and knew the dog was well trained etc

I knew someone like this. She just liked being able to keep an eye on her kids as they were a bit loud!

Can I be her friend please? I hate hosting

A friend of mine was like this as a child, she was lovely but incredibly anxious and needed to be in total control of the environment. I still do think it’s a bit rude/self absorbed though - like her reason for wanting to host should always outweigh yours.

Do they have a little one who they like to keep settled or anything?

Just next time, you need to stick to your plan and say ah no don't worry here is fine we've already set up AB&C.

I would leave it. Keep the mess at theirs ;)

Maybe their is some history of abuse and they like to keep a closer eye on their children

Its fine if they play there isnt it?.

One of my ds friends had undiagnosed asd. Parents didn’t like to leave them anywhere but as the child got older we’re a bit embarrassed by it. So all play dates had to happen at theirs

There’s a school mum I’d consider a friend who is like this. She just really doesn’t like letting her kids out of her sight; she knows people think it’s weird so she hosts at her house. She struggles now DC are older and it wouldn’t be expected for her to be able to stay with them on play dates now, unlike when they were smaller.

She was ‘sent to’ boarding school (her words) as a child so she has massive anxiety and hang ups about leaving her own children

To answer your questions we have no cat or dog - they do. Our kids are not little. They are all junior aged and fairly independent.

They love hosting so I think it's partly this or they like being in control of everything. They have a big house if its relevant - perfect for entertaining. They dont appear to have germ phobias - they exercised the 5 second rule in my presence! And their house is not spotles. Maybe I'm missing something. I will try to offer firm invitations!

I hate hosting. I’d love it if someone was happy to host all the time. Having said that, a long time ago I fell out with someone was a bit delusional- I didn’t realise - and who always did everything on her terms. She would never come to mine and whenever I thought we’d agreed something and knew where I stood, she’d change things without consulting me - inviting people I’d never met. Her lack of coming to mine was about control and manipulation.

So, I’d love someone to host all the time, with a caveat - that they aren’t a manipulative person who subtly undermines others to get what they want out of them.

I think some people are a bit like this, they like to have their home as the centre of happenings. I have a friend like that, she’s lovely but I remember when I’d just had my second and she expressed surprise people were coming to mine to meet the baby - erm yes, I can’t drive! 😂

I would love this! I would get to generously offer to host and then freeload on them with no guilt at all!

Me too 😂

I also hated hosting with a passion. I'd have been delighted with this and would have left it be. 😃

I wouldn't class it as rude, not when someone's constantly happy to entertain you in their home. As they seem good friends that you get along well with, just ask her. Say we always seem to be coming around to yours and I don't want to be a freeloader or slack in taking my turn, unless you're more comfortable in your own space? and see what she comes back with.

I feel it's a bit like this. They like their fabulous home to be the centre of their family life. It feels like an unequal friendship.

For those saying they'd love it - I did initially! But now if feels almost like a bit of a slight.

I think I am going to just let this drift as someone suggested it and leave it to my dd to sort out playdates when they're back at school. Maybe she can point out how unequal it is. I honestly can't be bothered with the weirdness. I like them but have been making an effort due to the dhs friendship and dds friendship. I prefer things to be straight forward!

I wouldn’t mind this as long as we lived local to each other.

For example if I was constantly having to drive to a friend 1 hour away and she never came to me I’d be annoyed.

5 mins away, brilliant, you do the hosting if you really want too!

Next time they try and invite you to theirs, just say no got a parcel arriving have to stay at ours or say “no we are always at yours let me return the favour!”