Is it rude to always reverse invitations

[Drearydiedre]

We have some friends who moved to our area a couple of years ago. It turns out our paths have crossed in the past - dhs worked at the same company years ago and got on well. Dc go to the same school and get on. Dd is always wanting their dd over to play.

Over the last couple of years I have invited them to a handful of things. They are lovely and polite but always reverse the invitation so that it happens at their house. For example if I invite their dd for a playdate, somehow my dd ends up there. Eg 'lovely idea! Actually we have the pool out why doesn't your dd come here tomorrow?'. I invited the mum over for coffee when we were walking back from the school run on our days off but somehow the coffee happened at hers even though we walked past my front door. It didn't really bother but yesterday I scrolled back through our messages and saw this had happened every single time. We have this weird situation now where we are pretty good family friends but none of them have set foot in our house and Dd is still desperate for a playdate at our house.

Is this rude? Do they just like things on their terms or is this a non issue? I am being asked to organise another playdate but am reluctant to as I know I won't be hosting!

This sounds brilliant to me. I’ve always hated hosting!

there must be a reason they do this - drinking, child who plays up at other houses?

They sound a bit control freaks but I'd not worry if the DC enjoyed playing together and she invites your DC over I'd let her go and just use the childfree time to get on with jobs at home.

This would be my ideal friend
Thought it was going to be a thread about reciprocation and OP never got an invite - that you're the inviter but always becomes the invitee is the dream!

Is it a behaviour issue? My children hype each other up and get overexcited if we are going to other people’s houses together. I am hoping they outgrow it soon but I do find it easier to host at home or only to go to very good friends houses as otherwise I get quite stressed at their behaviour at times. However I am happy to take one or the other to other peoples houses or go to other peoples houses by myself!

I think this is probably right but I think it's really strange you'd find it offensive or in any way a slight. I know people like this and I just go with it and save my own hosting for different friends, each to their own. Never occurred to me to feel put out.

This would make me paranoid there was something wrong with my house like it smelled or wasn’t clean enough

Suddenly we were all there!

I'm very big on turn and turn about, having had it drummed into me from a very early age, so probably would have said oh, no, it must be your turn to come to us after the second or third time.

Given how long this has now run, I'd find an opportunity to talk to her in private, explain you are uncomfortable with the lack of fairness and don't want to keep trespassing on their generosity.

Let her provide an explanation and decide for yourself whether you can live with that explanation. It's sn opportunity to get to know each other just a little bit better than you do now. Much better than wonder whether it's 'rude'.

I'd assume there's something going on with the DD or mum that you don't know about and be kind.

OP doesn't need to assume anything. She needs to advocate for her child who wants to host her friend. If there's an issue, then the other mum needs to come out and say so, not just keep taking control and spurning invitations.

I'm in this kind of situation as an adult. My house is perfectly clean and pleasant, and I'm a decent host. But I have two couple friends (I'm now widowed) who I simply can't get to come to my house. Any invitation to the local ones ends up being changed to their house, or them turning it into a meal out somewhere. The non-local ones that DH and I used to see for weekends always turn it into 'No, come to us!'.

The last time it happened I said 'actually I was really looking forward to hosting you and showing you around the area' and then felt really pathetic. But I DO want to host. I enjoy it. I'm a good cook, we're good friends, they've been here before and shown every impression of having a great time, and I can't find anything I'm doing wrong. But it does make me sad. So I'm team OP's DD.

There might be more going on than just rudeness OP- social anxiety, phobia about mess/germs, poorly behaved child who they feel they can manage better at home, a health or disability issue (eg needing a particular bathroom adaptation, IBS so want to be near own toilet, food or other allergy), fear or dislike of a pet you have). Why don’t you just talk to them? You could say
’hey, actually in the whole time we’ve been friends I’ve realised you’ve never come to my house, how has it turned out like that?’

MN, the land of people who won't even open their front door will come up with all sorts of excuses. Anxiety, germaphobia, every disability under the sun, blah blah blah.

The simple fact of the matter is - unless there's a clearly communicated reason, it's a bit rude.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love this situation, not having to clean etc but even then, I'd like to host sometimes.

There's no need for anybody to jump to conclusions however. You just need to ask them!

A good friend of mine is this like. She just prefers to be at her house and be in control. I love suggesting things with her as I am normally in control of everything so its nice.

We used to do some swapping of kids during the holidays but there was always one house where I didn’t want dc to go - because they had a shoes off rule but their carpet was grotty, when the mum and I would meet up I’d always offer my house first!
If you’re going to have a shoes off rule please make sure your bloody floors are clean 😂
OP not saying you have grubby floors by the way, it just came to me reading this thread.

Intrigued as to the answer to this one... Waiting in anticipation for update

Exactly. It's almost dismissive.

Exactly this

I agree with you OP. We were friendly with a couple and we both had kids similar ages. They always hosted friendship group get togethers summer BBQ’s, Halloween, Christmas party and birthday party as her myself and someone else in the friendship group all had birthdays in the same month ankids playdates etc etc.

At first I didn’t mind as their house and garden were slightly bigger than ours. But once we had our extension completed I wanted to return the favour and wanted to have them and everyone else round. I tried with a couple of things I think it’s our turn to have everyone round for a Halloween party, BBQ, kids playdate etc. But my offer was never accepted it was always thanks but we always do X at ours and we like doing them. So tell you what just come to us etc.

It got to the point where it was embarrassing and we gave up and went along with it. Anyway we didn’t have pets and weren’t anymore untidy no special needs. I think the issue was she was just a total control freak who always wanted to be in control, be appreciated and feel powerful and no way was she relinquishing any of that. We eventually fell out and I am so glad we have.

I have a friend who does this - but she is upfront and says it is a nuisance getting her younger child out the house to come and collect the older one from a play date. Which is fair enough.

If it is bugging you, plan a play date with several children (ideally including a couple they don’t know). She can’t possibly insist that lots of children change the location to hers.

I agree it's rude, it's fine if there's a good train for it but otherwise it's denigrating your hospitality.

I think it is odd and rude. I had a friend like this, we always had to go to her place, even for MY birthday. Then I put my foit down politely on one occasion and after that things were a bit more even. A friend had to deal with the issue of another couple inviting her daughter to a sleepover, but their daughter was never allowed to sleep over at my friends. Eventually the other mother admitted that her husband 'did not feel comfortable for his daughter to be overnight in a house with another man'. My friends husband retorted 'So I'm supposed to trust you to care for MY daughter but your husband doesn't trust me to care for yours?' There were never any more sleep overs after that and very soon other parents in the friendship group dropped this child from activities. Years later the mum of the dropped child admitted that her husband had successfully alienated his child and left her with no friends.

It might be anxiety about 'owing'. Maybe she is worried that if you'd host, she'd be in your debt.
I've had highly anxious friends who were always worrying about potentially offending someone or being perceived as 'profiting'. They had to always be the 'giver' and found it very hard to accept anything. I had to really insist and make it very clear that it would be my pleasure, wouldn't put me out at all, in fact would be to my benefit (e.g.waiting for delivery) to host at ours.

Personally with friends I don't keep book about who hosted how often etc beyond keeping a vague eye on making sure I offer sometimes, and don't come to rely on them to make the effort all the time. But I know that some of my friends are painfully careful and feel (unnecessarily, to me) worried about being in anyone's debt, so they prefer to host unless I insist. For them I find I have to spell it out: 'It's definitely my turn', 'it is making me feel uncomfortable that you seem to be always hosting and me never' or 'you'll be doing me a favour by coming to ours'.

Meagainforfun

That’s incredibly sad.

It’s a bit rude, I think. It reminds me of those times where I’d invite someone to join me and some friends and they’d say yes but they’d rather meet at 3pm, not 2pm, and can we go to the other area of town and they’d rather have noodles than pizza. Sometimes it’s nice for someone to just accept the invitation offered, rather than adapt it.

It is odd, but you don't know the reason for it. It could be something they don't want to discuss. That said, if it's bothering you, ask.

I would find this odd too. I quite like being able to invite who I want e.g. I invite A for coffee then bump into my neighbour who I would also like to catch up with. Can't do that at someone else's house.