Is it rude to always reverse invitations

[Drearydiedre]

We have some friends who moved to our area a couple of years ago. It turns out our paths have crossed in the past - dhs worked at the same company years ago and got on well. Dc go to the same school and get on. Dd is always wanting their dd over to play.

Over the last couple of years I have invited them to a handful of things. They are lovely and polite but always reverse the invitation so that it happens at their house. For example if I invite their dd for a playdate, somehow my dd ends up there. Eg 'lovely idea! Actually we have the pool out why doesn't your dd come here tomorrow?'. I invited the mum over for coffee when we were walking back from the school run on our days off but somehow the coffee happened at hers even though we walked past my front door. It didn't really bother but yesterday I scrolled back through our messages and saw this had happened every single time. We have this weird situation now where we are pretty good family friends but none of them have set foot in our house and Dd is still desperate for a playdate at our house.

Is this rude? Do they just like things on their terms or is this a non issue? I am being asked to organise another playdate but am reluctant to as I know I won't be hosting!

@Drearydiedre my friend has a few quirks I’ve noticed over time, being the centre to everything in that people have to go to her and she won’t go to others is one and I completely get why it bothers you.

In my friends case I do think she’s quite insecure but also arrogant in some ways: it is an odd combination.

I do this because I love hosting and it's easier for me because we have a small baby (the others don't).

Also the dog thing - yes. I've avoided going to someone's house because we're not used to dogs and once one tried to hump my leg when I went round to a friend's house as a teenager, I was so embarrassed and disgusted.

It's very straightforward and not weird though. It's weirder that you're so bothered by it, maybe an underlying insecurity?

this

I do this, particularly with my DC who has SEN, as I find it hard enough to manage their needs, someone who sees them every now and again is less likely to be able to support them. So I always host, even if they invite!

Me too!

If I lived near someone I’d see it as a blessing - if they want to put in the effort/buy the food/entertain the kids etc. then that’s fine by me. But if further away then I’d see it as being a bit low effort. When people always want other people to go to their house it can seem as though either you’re not worth the effort of travelling or your house isn’t good enough for them

That made me laugh…🤣🤣

I think it’s definitely weird….I completely get you OP.

Don't do this. It's controlling.

It's fine to say the first part.

She might not want to leave the pets . She could have something going on medically that means she prefers being at home

my MiL washed once a week everything in together - she thought I was fussy and fastidious, when pregnant, new baby, toddler.

One day in her minute kitchen(ette) I picked up the tea towel to dry something of the baby’s, ugh, disgusting, asked, where do we keep the clean t towels I don’t want to use this dirty one for baby - such a look I received, snatched it from me, examined it closely with grubby hands, said, It isn’t dirty! its just sticky with food - thrusting it back at me

I never wanted to stay there, she never cleaned, never wanted to eat there, knowing she had washed hers and FiL’s knickers in with the t towels - I hope it was ‘just food’

My SIL does this all the time. We suggest a BBQ or meal at ours it's always 'oh, come to ours, we've got XYZ' and my DH says 'yep cool' so off we trot to their place until I said no, you always host, come to us. So they did, turned up late so food got slightly charred, stayed to eat then buggered off after about an hour! So rude!

For her it's all to do with the fact that she wants to feel relaxed so in order to feel relaxed, she needs to be home...well the same goes for me too! I want to feel relaxed and I don't at her house so we now don't extend invites. we still chat on facetime/phone regularly; it's all fine but I just got fed up of schlepping to theirs when they never reciprocated.

Are they big drinkers? We had friends who always did this and then when they ended up coming here they moaned because they had to pay for a taxi so they could both drink! (perfectly good public transport available too!)

She might be funny about using the toilet at other peoples houses

Some people feel more comfortable in their own space, they might have a pressure you're not aware of. Don't assume it's a judgement on you.

Play dates and coffee dates without clearing up? Sounds heavenly!

It’s not rude. Rude would be insisting on going to yours and never hosting.

Some people are happier in their own space. Some people love to host and have a house built around that principle. Some people are funny about eating at other people’s homes or using their toilets or worrying they wash underpants with tea towels as a PP reminded us.

As foibles go, it’s a pretty harmless one.

I have done this with a couple of my kids' friends.

One was a lovely boy but I didn't feel his parent would behave like I would in an emergency situation; there were also short term partners regularly round at the house which I felt was a safeguarding issue.

One had a large dog very similar to a banned breed, who was apparently "as soft as grease" and "loved cuddles".

One's parent was a dinner lady and my child was scared of her and point blank refused to go.

There could be a very valid (to them) reason. My first priority is always to my kids and if I'm rude, so what.

I don’t think it’s rude and I also think you need to let them know that something needs to happen at your house as your friend can’t be expected to be psychic. If you tell her that you want to share hosting duties and she refuses without a genuine reasons, than that would have the potential to be rude.

It's really rude, my BIL does something similar, we're planning a family trip for example and he suggests we do it with him and his family... then it all gets changed around, places, dates etc ... I don't bother any longer!

One of the things that has struck me about this thread is that some are very keen to offer reasons as to why this might be this way, dogs and toilets and so on and that’s fine.

But what happens when there’s an equally valid ‘concern’ on the other foot? So one parent is thinking ‘I don’t like using the toilet in other peoples houses’ fine until they meet someone else who also doesn’t like using the toilet in the other persons house. Or when they both have dogs the other is wary of.

The point is that in those sorts of cases someone always ends up having to ‘give way’ if you like and those sort of relationships often become a bit imbalanced in terms of power (which is why they do it.) It isn’t that in itself hosting is important. It is that one person is ensuring that their wants and needs and dare I say it demands come first.

I do think that's rude, because they're basically rejecting your invitation and issuing one of their own.

Could be a compliment, i.e. "your child is lovely but mine goes a bit feral and can't be trusted in company unless I'm there to squash them".

My oldest is a bit like this. He's not badly behaved as such, but will push boundaries unless the host parents are firm with him. If they're a bit of a pushover, I'll arrive to find he's on his third ice cream or he's asked to take out every toy in the place. We're working on acceptable social behaviour but in the meantime he only does unaccompanied playdates to houses where I know the parents will give behaviour like this short shift.

Does it really matter? I wouldn't push it