To think it is unprofessional for a man to go to work with unshaven stubble?

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I think it is still considered unprofessional for a man to go into a work office with unshaven stubble. I’m not taking about close cut beards, or moustaches or groomed facial hair. I am talking 2-3day old stubble. I am also not talking about WFH, but going into an office environment where he will meet with colleaugues and clients.

YABU- I’m old fashioned and it is perfectly ok for a man to have wild, free range stubble these days in an office setting.

YANBU- It is not ok to have stubble in the office.

Yes this. Probably coupled with an attitude and sense of entitlement: 'I'm 60 and far better than you youngsters and too good to deal with the tedious boring parts of the job'

Ah! The real story

No more so than it is for a woman to show up to work without a full face of makeup. I've been working for years without makeup, and nobody's ever accused me of being unprofessional...you should try it, it's quite liberating.

The stubble look is very common these days, so it's not even particularly unusual.

Well 92% YABU, so I will apologise to him then. 😔
I don’t know how I will address the possibility he is not being truthful on why he was let go.
Maybe if he loses this job too, I will press a bit harder.

I love how you are blaming his performance on his appearance. I guess that's spousal loyalty.

If he's struggling to pass probation there's a bigger problem.

Stubble is very much fine in the majority of workplaces in 2024 and wouldn't even be on the radar for probation. As long as he's performing no one would bat an eyelid.

My DH used to be clean shaven, and his skin got really irritated from it because he had to do it daily. He's one where he can shave on a morning and by the end of the day he has stubble that on many men would look like 3 days growth.

He now has a beard and is much happier and more well groomed looking. And it suits him better.

But "looking dishevelled" from not shaving is a personal opinion. Potentially if he was in scruffy clothes, a bit grubby and had the stubble, yes. But overall with a tidy appearance, stubble is fine.

This is an epic drip feed.

It sounds like the main issue is his attitude, both at work and at home.

As noted above, if he was good at the job itself, his appearance wouldn’t matter - I work in professional services and there are some proper scruffs and (shock, horror) some obese people, but they do their job to the standard required so no-one cares.

I agree I am reaching but he has told me his performance was really good, zero complaints, fires put out quickly, positive feedback…so I am at a loss as to why other than ageism/fat phobia being amplified by his dishevelled appearance.

The problem here is not that he doesn’t shave for work. It’s that you hate each other.

Sorry for drip feed. I hate them too and it was not my intent. Sorry again. Not off to best start this morning am I!

I don’t hate him. I thought I was looking out for him by suggesting he do a quick shave. I also ironed his clothes and made coffee for his work mug.

Sigh. Well I need to get back to my job as well. Thank you for the quick input all.

Is the rage thing - flying off the handle- new? Was he like that before his redundancy? And have you always been the breadwinner or is that a recent dynamic?

It will have been hard being made redundant in his 50s, having to find a job , then losing that one etc. if he’s gone from being ‘equal’ in providing the £££ , to you being the breadwinner, he possibly feels bruised.

Not an excuse for bad behaviour , but maybe just a change of approach. Not sure how he is finding the jobs, but a good recruitment agency can sometimes offer feedback and pointers which are easier to swallow than when they come from a spouse.

And yes, he probably needs to see a GP with respect to depression, and possibly weight management , exercise etc.

Instead of making it adversarial, why not try a bit of empathy?

It's not unheard of for people who've been made redundant to have their mental health spiral, especially in later years. Instead of making it about how he looks and how he's treating you, maybe consider the fact that he might be sinking into a funk but hasn't yet identified it himself?

To people in that situation, it just feels like everything's going wrong for absolutely no reason, and nothing they can do fixes anything. That's when partners are supposed to lend a supportive hand, not just play the blame game.

Have you considered that your abusive husband who thinks his behaviour towards you is acceptable, behaves in a way that's unacceptable at work too?

Or that a man who doesn't respect you, doesn't think anything of lying to you?

What is his attitude like towards things like housework, life admin, etc? Because it's likely he applies that same attitude to the more "menial" aspects of his work, hence the sackings.

I've only read as far as this - I agree!

The ship has sailed in terms of whether it's generally acceptable in society (it is) but there is a big difference between the purposely short stubble of a younger man and that of an older one.. with white hairs coming through and less elasticity in the jawline, the ones I've seen put me in mind of Steptoe
Obviously commenting on appearance is unfair and people should be judged for how good they are at their job, but sadly that's not normally the case.

We've a lady who seems to be growing a bit of a moustache in our office, a real lady.

Sorry, I really want to continue but I have work to do. I will catch up at lunch. Ty all who have replied.

I think it looks scruffy. My line manager wears unironed clothes and often has a few days stubble. He looks really unprofessional in my opinion.
I appreciate people are more casual these days, I am myself but I still think some basic standards are necessary.

Oh dear…

As long as he is clean, I wouldnt give a toss.

When I'm in charge of the country I will make it law for all men to have stubble. YABU.

You’re not BU at all. I think those who say you are, are looking at working environments through should-be-like-this specs, rather than real world specs.

The sad truth is, a disheveled, let’s be honest slobby looking, man approaching his 60s absolutely IS going to be judged by many of his colleagues including management. Scruffy and unkempt is never a good look, unless you work for a trendy software company where people slop around in flip flops and play ping pong in “break out” rooms (doubt even these still exist).

I’m retired now but had a long career in senior management and sadly people do judge. Not saying it’s right, but they do. We all know that as we age it gets harder, and we do have to try harder. It’s gutting with our experience but it’s true. We are in danger of becoming the smelly cat in the corner as it is, let alone looking like it.

Sure others will jump in here and scream well who wants to work there anyway?! Maybe when they are nearly 60 they will appreciate the challenges more, especially with a developing chequered recent work history.

All this aside - his behaviour to you is awful. You must be sorely tempted to let him navigate the world solo at this point.

If you had have reversed the sexes, everyone would be saying your wife should lose weight. I'm approaching 60 and yes, you do need to look at your grooming more than you might have when you were younger. Or in some jobs, you will suffer from ageism. People are judging him less competent because of his age, his weight and his scruffiness, then there's his attitude. If his performance is slightly not as expected, then he'll be gone. However he could be feeling down about it all and you could talk to him about how he us feeling. Don't accept abusive behaviour. Being honest there's pubs we don't bother much with because from the age of about 57, the men seem to have turned into arseholes and they are letting their appearance slip.

Possibly misunderstood - but sounds like he has only lost one job after failing probation - redundancy after 3 years is not remarkable and he’s still in current job. So it may be just a blip? I am over 60 and ‘not a good team fit’ may be coded ageism, but could be a genuine reflection of attitudes and approaches to work/colleagues that are not compatible with company ethos/harmonious working relationships. I also think some people have a remarkable facility for not seeing their own flaws and don’t see these issues coming when there have been red flags along the way. Sounds like he does react well to criticism (understatement) so he may have these blind spots. In any case it doesn’t sound like there’s much love/respect left in the relationship and stubble isn’t really the issue.