To think of uninviting her

[Forthelovagod]

Invited friend on holiday with my family. She's being a nightmare and we haven't even left yet. I can't stand her negativity, abruptness and mean-ness. I have been friends with her a long time but i no longer want her in my life. She causes me nothing but stress and i realise now that she's only having a hardtime because she behaves in a way that is totally unreasonable but then adopts a poor me attitude.

We go on holiday in 2 days. Aibu to even consider telling her i cant go through with it. I can refund her, its less than 200 quid as cheap flight and small contribution to our accomodation.
Or do i have to suck it up for a week. Im actually dreading spending a week with her.

If your dad is ill abd going on the holiday too of course you can’t take her if she’s going to stress him out

She sounds awful, I'm baffled as to why you are friends with her at all let alone invited her on holiday with you.

I do however think 2 days beforehand is way too late to cancel. I would say something along the lines of "lets not be in each others pockets all holiday, some days we can do our own thing and just meet up for dinner otherwise it all gets a bit claustrophobic."

If she is a pain on holiday I would sit her down and be more blunt "your mood / attitude is ruining the holiday for us all. I think it best we spent the remaining days doing our own thing." The friendship will be over which, presumably, will be a good thing!

I hope you've done what's best for you and your family, OP, and told her you can't cope with her selfish behaviour and attitude any longer and she can't come.

This! She probably booked time off too!

Taking a single friend on holiday with a couple or family is usually a recipe for disaster - in my experience.

Too late now, I think - but for the benefit of other readers I encourage everyone to think very long and hard before you do it (we took my oldest school friend with us for a few days on a city break and the relationship has never really recovered).

I completely agree with this. I think the friend sounds really awful but you can't tell her she can't come two days before you are due to go away.

I was going to comment that cancelling with two days' notice was a really mean thing to do and quite cowardly but she can afford another holiday and her behaviour has escalated very recently.

Look, have the tough conversation upthread (preferably on the phone, your texting styles don't match which is adding to the irritation) with a view to refunding if she doesn't respond well.

I'd put the ball in her court. Ask in a good humoured way, 'Sue, X,Y and Z have been commented upon now. I have to ask, do you want to come or would you prefer me to refund you in full and we'll say no more about it? I won't be offended. I know you have the option to go on the other trip instead'.

It may be that after her separation, the last thing she actually wants in the cold light of day is a family holiday and she's wishing she never said yes (obv not your problem, it was very kind to ask) so it may be a welcome get out.

I wouldn't have a friend like that to start with. I'd definitely not let her go. Although don't be surprised if she turns up anyway.

YABU.

It sounds like you’ve been in regret about inviting her to the holiday even since you asked her and now the holiday is coming up this weekend you’ve got cold feet and want to uninvite her.

It sounds like she’s always been an OTT friend and you’ve realised you can’t spend a week with her so now want to uninvite her.

I am going to be honest YABU to me. Mainly because you know she’s a needy friend and draining but continued to be her friend and invite her away, she’s been this way for how long and you choose 2 days before the holiday to end your friendship.

I’d be fuming if someone did this to me 2 days before going away, booking annual leave etc. I’d have probably packed and everything.

By the way I do think she is too much and entitled, I would of stopped being her friend but I think 2 days before going on holiday is unfair and wrong of you

It's not great. But you shouldn't take her if it's going to ruin your holiday.

Just say we've changed it to family only, sorry, here's your money back.

It's a bit shitty to do it 2 days before but I get you don't want your family holiday wrecking!

You need to call her and be very clear

'Friend - I have found the last couple of days sorting things out very stressful & upsetting. I am absolutely not willing for the holiday to end up being more of the same & ruin it for all of us

I can see 3 options - let me know which one you prefer:
Cancel altogether and go on the other trip - I will refund you
Keep the flights but you stay elsewhere - I will refund your accommodation
Come - but you need to promise no negativity and go with the flow

Good luck!

You can't uninvite someone the day before that's just horrendous. You have walked into this situation with your eyes open - use it as a lesson for the future.

"and as for the week's annual leave you've booked off...never mind eh?"

No. OP can't do that. Not when the holiday was suggested by her in the first place.
That's not on.

Totally agree.

Maybe spending a week together OP can tell friend the truth and maybe they can become closer. Friend might be going through go a hard time and doesn’t realise she’s coming across negative.

Next time she complains, say "It doesn't sound like you really want to come on this holiday. Would you rather I just refund you the money?"

Then either she will back out gracefully or she will stop and think about how she is behaving. Either way, it leaves the ball in her court.

Maybe call her and have an adult conversation with her. You don’t want to lose the friendship but you’ve been finding her difficult and negative lately and worried about spending a week together.

She may break down and tell you she’s struggling and shouldn’t have acted that way. She may turn round and say I don’t want to come on holiday etc.

I think you’ve been friends with her for long to dump her and send her money 2 days before flying out is just rude and bad on you. You know she’s been like this for a while and invited her away knowing she was like this.

Solve this properly

She does sound awful @Forthelovagod but I think on this occasion you have to suck it up and go with her. It’s too late to cancel I think. But you have my sympathies- she’s a head melt.

@jackstini has it. Better to be honest.

I'm normally the biggest people pleaser in the world but she's being a right pain and they aren't going to stay friends whatever. Why fool her into thinking that they will be?

She might be trying to work out how to tell you she doesn't really want to go on holiday with you after all, of course! That's why she's being difficult.

You don't seem to like her much so why on earth did you invite her to go on holiday with you? I think it's too late now and would be a very mean thing to do.

We learn by our mistakes, learn by this one and don't invite third parties on family holidays again.

I agree with this.

Doesn't a guest on a family holiday have a bit of duty not to try and make anything awkward or all about them?

I dont think it's fair to boot someone off a holiday 2 days before. you must have known what she was like. I'd just stuck it up this time and learn from your mistake in the future. my dm is really difficult. we've had multiple holidays go south because of her behaviour. It was really hard to put in boundaries, but I no longer take her away.

I don’t think it’s fair either, it’s pretty horrible but you’ll end up having a big falling out on holiday v likely so just cancel her as it’s the least worst option. She can still get something last minute on her own, although I suspect she won’t if she is an overchecker etc.

I think this is a really sensible and fair solution