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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of uninviting her

134 replies

Forthelovagod · 08/08/2024 23:24

Invited friend on holiday with my family. She's being a nightmare and we haven't even left yet. I can't stand her negativity, abruptness and mean-ness. I have been friends with her a long time but i no longer want her in my life. She causes me nothing but stress and i realise now that she's only having a hardtime because she behaves in a way that is totally unreasonable but then adopts a poor me attitude.

We go on holiday in 2 days. Aibu to even consider telling her i cant go through with it. I can refund her, its less than 200 quid as cheap flight and small contribution to our accomodation.
Or do i have to suck it up for a week. Im actually dreading spending a week with her.

OP posts:
PerfectTravelTote · 09/08/2024 07:39

It's short notice but better now than having a falling out and trying to go your separate ways while on holiday (which sounds inevitable).

user68712226 · 09/08/2024 07:41

If the cost of the flights was cheap I would be inclined to say

"Hi Mabel,

I apologise for this but it isn't going to work for you to stay with us on holiday. Ive found it very difficult maintaining our friendship recently and believe we have grown apart to such a significant extent that spending time together will be extremely stressful and difficult for everyone.

I have refunded the cost of the holiday to your bank account. The flight is still booked and in your name so you are welcome to use it. You can then perhaps use the money I have sent to pay for accommodation elsewhere. I appreciate this is a very last minute decision on my part and I am very much in the wrong for delaying telling you for so long. However I'm afraid you cannot stay with us in Majorca and I no longer want to maintain the friendship.

I hope you manage to find somewhere else to stay. I wish you happiness in life and there are aspects of our friendship I will look back on fondly.

Sorry again.

OP"

You then need to suck it up if she is sat next to you on the flight (although she'd have to have the skin of a rhino to want to do that). TBH it's the least you can do.

LittleLantern123 · 09/08/2024 07:58

I think with so little notice you should suck it up and go with her after such a long standing friendship, she might even relax on holiday and be less negative.

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 09/08/2024 08:00

Rather than refunding her, let her go on her own. That way she doesn’t lose the annual leave, and holiday. You don’t have to spend time with her.

Have you told her she needs to rein it in as she’s upsetting you? It would be unfair to go from 0-90.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/08/2024 08:27

Say "Hi friend - I've been made very aware of your behaviour over the past few days in the run up to our holiday and I have to say it's been very stressful for me. I just don't think going on holiday with you is going to be an option any more so here is the £200 you've spent for the flights and your contribution towards the accommodation. I'm sorry to leave it so late to do this but I really do think it's for the best."
Or something along those lines.

seriesoffortunateevents · 09/08/2024 08:29

Surely this must be new behaviour or you’d not have invited her?

Original poster
Forthelovagod · 09/08/2024 08:34

Was trying to avoid a massive post and yes of course there is a massive back story.
To try and answer some of the questions...
Why wait til now.... I've not had much contact recently by choice because i thought that would help me cope with her for the week. She's incredibly intense and when she is in in good form this is managable when she isn't in good form it's actually unbearable. She rants, bombards me with endless long messages i send one 3 line message she replies with umpteen long text messages and 4 or 5, 3 minute long voice messages. Im truly not exaggerating and i have tried hard to stay friends because I've known her a long time and she feels im like a sister to her. Interestingly she and her actual sister dont speak.
She has a way of being super abrupt and rude and if i say anything she instantly becomes the victim in it. She will recall things that have happened between us in a completely different way to how they happened always painting me as a shit friend. Im not and i am able to maintain healthy friendships and relationships with my family.

Without writing a novel its hard to paint a true picture. Why now so last minute.... Whilst doing check ins, printing passes, sorting airport parking she has been so difficult. Wasn't happy with the way i did the boarding passes... We said we would stay with her the night before as flight at 3am so we can travel together she then complained about the hassle of getting things ready to facilitate this, could i not stay elsewhere but then drive an hour out of the way to collect her at 3am. Then when i say i won't collect her because it's the opposite way than airport that she can take her own car she says doesnt make sense to both pay for parking. Followed on by another message of how she was invited to go on a diff holiday but cant afford it after this one sadly.
She is extremely well off. Far better off than i am but bloody mean and materialistic.

Sorry for the long reply.... Im exhausted just typing it, I hate allowing this stuff to eat into my time. My Dad is horribly ill at the moment and i guess its making me feel even more like life is too short for this sort of bullshit.

OP posts:
seriesoffortunateevents · 09/08/2024 08:37

Well that all sounds like petty squabbles. But if you don’t like her just tell her it’s off and give her the money.

Original poster
Forthelovagod · 09/08/2024 08:39

Why invite her..... I guess she was having a good day and i felt having a holiday to look forward to would be nice for her. She is single after a long term relationship and was saying maybe we could go on holiday sometime. So i said 'why don't you come with us' 😩

OP posts:
Cocococoa · 09/08/2024 08:45

I couldn’t do that to someone two days before a holiday. Maybe plan lots of family outings etc while on holiday that she can come on or not, change the subject if she gets negative and generally will yourself to stay calm and remember that no one’s perfect .Then never do it again if it turns out to be a nightmare. Sorry just edited to say I didn’t read the whole thread..,

Mindfulmeltdowns · 09/08/2024 08:48

I'm going to be honest, all of the voice notes and texts etc have been a long-standing thing, it feels unfair to not address it at all but then use it against her now a day before you're due to go on a holiday together that you invited her on.

Does she struggle with transitions? I find getting ready for holiday very overwhelming and hate people changing plans. So maybe she had one idea in her head of how the time before the airport would look and you proposing an alternative one has sent her into a bit of a spin?

I would probably address her mood with her now, and just be honest with her and tell her that you really need/want this break to be relaxing and you're concerned it won't be.

Ginnnny · 09/08/2024 09:00

OP, you need to suck this up and take her on holiday. You say she's just had a relationship breakdown, that's maybe causing her to be a bit all over the place, but if she's always been full on thats probably just her. I have a friend who once sent me 32 texts and 4 voice notes in the space of 2 hours while I was in the bath. I addressed it directly with her and it stopped, maybe you need to be more direct with your friend. But given the timescales on this one, you can't cancel her coming on holiday with you. Lesson learned, yeah?

ns87 · 09/08/2024 09:11

Have you tried having a real, honest conversation with her?

'You seem to be stressed and unhappy about the holiday, are you sure you still want to come?'

I would cut her as a friend, she sounds awful. The fact her own sister has cut her off speaks volumes.

LostittoBostik · 09/08/2024 09:14

You've got to suck it up. Ending the friendship by cancelling what might be her only prospect of a holiday two days before is utterly disgusting behaviour - and if you're comfortable with doing it I suggest maybe you might be part of the problem.
If it's as bad as you expect of course you can end the friendship - with clarity, don't just ghost - afterwards.
Re: the actual holiday, can you ask your DH to take her aside and have a word about negativity on the first day. She might hear him in a way she can't from you.

IncessantNameChanger · 09/08/2024 09:17

One if my friends sends me two 15 minute voice notes per text. Then I need to comment on everything she says in it so I need to take notes.

I wouldn't drop her as friend. Re the lift to the airport you should have done that well in advance then you more than a week before to say ' sorry I can't pick you up so early so far out of my way at 3am. Drive to mine or park at the airport. It doesn't work for me"

2 days before is harsh. Very harsh. You can't have decided today to bin him off surely? No nagging doubts before? No trying to lay down boundaries like 'no I'm not picking you up at 3am'

She will be wondering what she has done. You need to tell her

Bringthejury1 · 09/08/2024 09:27

Whilst she sounds like a bit of a nightmare, it would be incredibly bad form to uninvite her 2 days before the holiday. If it were me, I would just suck it up but shut down any poor behaviour on her part straight away.

If she gets a strop on or loses her shit, tell her she is welcome to spend the rest of the holiday on her own, but you are here to enjoy a break from real life with your family and she is ruining the good vibes. She either behaves appropriately or buggers off elsewhere.

Cut her off when you come home and stash this in the "lessons learned" pile.

permanently · 09/08/2024 09:35

Sounds like she finds transitions/change give her anxiety. Monologues/rants. ADHD? Going forward maybe see her in small doses to get the best of her xx

Jellybeanbag · 09/08/2024 09:40

Why be miserable and let your family suffer too.

Life is too short.

Phone her. Give her money back and move on.

Family first. Have a good time.

ImaginaryCat · 09/08/2024 09:41

As much as I can sympathise with the prospect of her ruining your holiday, you cannot cancel on her with such short notice. You just can't.

Your only possible get out would be to say that, if she'd rather go on that other holiday she's been offered, you're happy to refund her money for this one, so she can take up the other offer.

But assuming she doesn't take that offer, let's look at ways of salvaging the situation. How many in your family? What's the accommodation arrangement? Is it a place she could easily do stuff alone and you do family things?

Stand firm in the travel arrangements... her choices are to let you stay the night before or make her own way to the airport.

Tell her in advance what the food arrangements are. One of the most likely causes for an argument would be miscommunication about how you're paying for food.

Finally, set expectations now. Say to her that you don't want any negativity to ruin this holiday for everyone, so if space is required to keep things amicable, you'll be doing some stuff without her.

ThePoshUns · 09/08/2024 09:51

I can understand why you don't want her to come, but cancelling her two days before you're due to go is really poor on your behalf. You should have done it sooner.

pictoosh · 09/08/2024 09:57

I understand and agree with those who say it's your precious free time to spend as you wish. Yes, we are often slave to obligations and manners, to our detriment. I see their point of view.
BUT
Two days notice...that's harsh. You knew what she was like and admit the invitation was extended spontaneously. That's on you. You created this situation by yourself so it's your responsibility to see it through.
That's what I would do...make the best of the worst and never invite her again.

Purplecrush · 09/08/2024 10:15

After your update, do it.
You need a nice break and she will ruin it.

But take ownership of how awful she is and cut her off properly and finally without regret.

KreedKafer · 09/08/2024 10:15

Forthelovagod · 09/08/2024 08:34

Was trying to avoid a massive post and yes of course there is a massive back story.
To try and answer some of the questions...
Why wait til now.... I've not had much contact recently by choice because i thought that would help me cope with her for the week. She's incredibly intense and when she is in in good form this is managable when she isn't in good form it's actually unbearable. She rants, bombards me with endless long messages i send one 3 line message she replies with umpteen long text messages and 4 or 5, 3 minute long voice messages. Im truly not exaggerating and i have tried hard to stay friends because I've known her a long time and she feels im like a sister to her. Interestingly she and her actual sister dont speak.
She has a way of being super abrupt and rude and if i say anything she instantly becomes the victim in it. She will recall things that have happened between us in a completely different way to how they happened always painting me as a shit friend. Im not and i am able to maintain healthy friendships and relationships with my family.

Without writing a novel its hard to paint a true picture. Why now so last minute.... Whilst doing check ins, printing passes, sorting airport parking she has been so difficult. Wasn't happy with the way i did the boarding passes... We said we would stay with her the night before as flight at 3am so we can travel together she then complained about the hassle of getting things ready to facilitate this, could i not stay elsewhere but then drive an hour out of the way to collect her at 3am. Then when i say i won't collect her because it's the opposite way than airport that she can take her own car she says doesnt make sense to both pay for parking. Followed on by another message of how she was invited to go on a diff holiday but cant afford it after this one sadly.
She is extremely well off. Far better off than i am but bloody mean and materialistic.

Sorry for the long reply.... Im exhausted just typing it, I hate allowing this stuff to eat into my time. My Dad is horribly ill at the moment and i guess its making me feel even more like life is too short for this sort of bullshit.

OP, I know exactly how you feel and honestly, this is a friendship that isn't doing you any good at all and you do need to end it. Telling her the holiday is off is a perfectly acceptable way to do that.

The only thing you've done wrong is inviting her in the first place. She is clearly a needy, selfish, over-intense nightmare and it would be awful to have her on your family holiday. Tell her that it's become obvious to you that a holiday together really isn't going to work for either of you, and that you're sorry but you're calling this trip off and refunding her money.

Sometimes, it's absolutely OK to feel 'I am DONE and this is going to stop NOW' and you are clearly at that point.

KreedKafer · 09/08/2024 10:16

As much as I can sympathise with the prospect of her ruining your holiday, you cannot cancel on her with such short notice. You just can't.

Yes, she absolutely can.

LlynTegid · 09/08/2024 10:19

Pity it is last minute, but I think you should go without her.