To not want my brother in law to move closer

[Skywalker2018]

We used to live close by to my brother in law when the children were little. He lived on his own so I would invite him round for dinner a few times a week as well as on days out. As such, he became very close to my children and they adored him. My partner and I enjoyed him spending time with is too.
We then decided to move away. My brother in law would still visit but as its a long drive, this would be once every couple of months. Over the years, I noticed that he would only talk to the children when he came. I also picked up on some resentment towards me. I asked him about it but he's very difficult to talk to about anything serious. I suspect he might have mild autism as he struggles a lot with dealing with emotions.
Fast forward a few years and the children are now teenagers. My brother in law has said he is moving closer to us, mainly to spend time with the children before they leave home. I know he is lonely but I really don't want him to move closer. I tolerate his visits as I know the children enjoy his company but I really don't. Hes can be quite rude to me or just freezes me out. I think my partner feels the same as I do but doesn't want to say anything as it's his brother and he's worried he's a bit depressed. If he moves closer, I feel he'll be round or the time. If we dont allow him round, he'll be spending lots of time on his own. At least where he is at the moment he has options of visiting his friend and other family. AIBU to not want him to come?

You can’t stop a grown adult deciding where he wants to live, though. Your feelings are your feelings, obviously, and you’re entitled not to like him.

I’d be pretty surprised if teenagers really wanted to spend a lot of time with their uncle, so much that it merited him moving a long distance to be geographically closer.

You don’t have to tolerate rudeness in your home though. Tell him to mind his manners and speak to you with respect or go home.

It's difficult as his snide remarks or rude behaviour is quite subtle. For example, if we were all having a conversation and I say something, as soon as I finish, he'd turn to one of the kids and say 'Sorry, what were you saying?' As if I was rudely interrupting. It's weird and hard to explain but it's like he's trying to make me feel like a spare part. I suppose I should address it at the time but because he's normally only visiting for a weekend, I let it go. If he moves here, I'd have to say something.

In my experience OP, people who actually want their BILs/SILs to move closer are a very, very rare breed indeed.

This really is quite difficult. I feel sorry for your BIL as he sounds like a loner and I can see why he's want to move closer to you all, but equally can see that it might change the dynamic of your family if he does so.
As someone has said, he's an adult and can live wherever he chooses, but if he does move nearer to you, I'd ask your husband to have a word with his brother about the expectations of all parties. Definitely try to challenge any rudeness as well, that's not acceptable.

Difficult to stop him moving closer.
Your DH could, subtly, point out your DC are very busy with their social life, activities and School work and how the rest of his family might not see him so much.

Or he might have to spell it out to him.

I can't see what else you can do. But leave it to your DH to talk to him.

I would tell your husband that
A. You will not be entertaining him regularly.
B. He can see HIS brother at HIS home.
C. Your husband needs to spell out that the children are busy and will not be hugely available.
D. You are done with his rudeness and will NOT be tolerating it in your home.
E. He is not coming for meals etc.

Let there be a falling out.
If he is moving close to you, far from others, your husband needs to spell things out.

I appreciate above is the nuclear option, but better to spell it out clearly to your husband to communicate to his brother, than be asked why you never said how you felt earlier.

You can’t stop anyone living anywhere. You don’t have to invite him round though.

If he’s rude to you and only seems to talk to the kids-point that out to him and suggest that he invites them to his house for dinner instead. DH can take them if he wants.

I would introduce a conversation about "moving house and in the process of looking". The kids are getting older and you're looking for alternatives for the next stage of your "married life together". This will deter him moving.

Your DH could, subtly, point out your DC are very busy with their social life, activities and School work and how the rest of his family might not see him so much.

That is the only fair and reasonable response. Anyone moving to spend more time with teenaged relatives, is probably on a hiding to nothing. They have their own lives, and often their own parents don't get to spend much time with them. I'd explain that to him.

No danger would my teens be wanting to spend a large amount of time with an uncle, no matter how lovely with them.
I'm their mother and I can hardly get them to do anything with me
Their friends are what matters at that age.

Agree with PP. But I dont think think you need to be subtle. Openly, clearly let him know that you all have busy lives and he may not see much of you.

And talk to your partner! Share your concerns. Perhaps he feels the same

I suspect he might have mild autism as he struggles a lot with dealing with emotions.

Can we stop diagnosing ppl with autism. We are not doctors we are not specilaists and I'm sure we don't have access to someone's full history. It's becoming so normal now to decide we suspect someone is autistic with no real understanding of what autism actually is. Its becoming such a throw away comment on mumsnet and it's not helpful in raising awareness for the condition.

Thanks everyone for responses. I agree the kids are busier and have their own lives. It won't be like it was when they were little which was a relationship I facilitated. The house he is planning to buy is a 5 minute walk away so they'll probably pop round themselves. I know this could be nice for them but I just feel worried I won't see them as much. And that he'll be undermining me. He's not good at respecting boundaries and as he's never had his own kids, he really doesn't get the united front concept. I don't know how much I can do though as they are entitled to see him as much as they want.

I wasn't diagnosing- I was suspecting. I have worked in a SEN school so I do have experience in this field. I also do have access to his history as I've known him for over 20 years. I shouldn't have said mild- I should have said high functioning.

You say your BIL is rude to you, is he the same with his DB? I just wonder if for some reason he blames you for moving away so that he didn,'t see your DC as much. I'd get you DH to speak to him and find out

You can't stop him moving where he wants.

You don't have to invite him round though, and if your dh does you can be out.

Talk to your dh about it.

If your kids are teens it's very unlikely they will want to spend a lot of time with him. Teens want you to spend time with their friends or game, not with uncles.

Yes I think he does blame me for moving away. Even though it was obviously a joint decision with DH. He rarely opens up though so it's hard to have honest conversations. My DH is a bit the same. They tend to talk about films, music, etc rarely anything deeper.

If someone is rude to you in front of your children, you should point it out to the children - either while he's there or after he's gone - so that they don't think that you think that that kind of behaviour is acceptable and they need to know you aren't accepting it. It doesn't matter how subtle it is.

Otherwise you might accidentally get children who are either that rude to other people or accept that kind of rudeness from other people.

I disagree so much with this. We’re MORE understanding that some people are wired differently and it’s kinder to think perhaps they can’t help their behaviour than assuming their some sort of arsehole.

Other posters are correct you can’t stop him moving. But you can call out the rudeness.

Another way of looking at it could be that now that the kids are older maybe he could take them to the cinema, pizza etc…. And not involve you as much? Maybe he could do a club run once a week?
Could be a win win!

Have you asked what he intends to do when your teens leave home to go to uni or college ?
It seems odd him wanting to be closely involved in their lives, just for them to leave so soon afterwards.
What does he plan to do then?

He says he'll live here just for a couple of years but he's buying a house and doesn't make decisions easily so I think he'll stay put after. This is another concern.

He can move anywhere he wants to, doesn't mean you have to see him or let him in your house.

Also considering his mood towards you only changed when you moved away my bet isn't autism (and I do wish people would stop excusing every piece of shit behaviour with autism) but a wee little crush and then he realised he couldn't have what he actually wanted which was you so he sulked and kept it up.

Perhaps your DH should mention in passing that you are thinking of moving as soon as the kids leave school?