To not want my brother in law to move closer

[Skywalker2018]

We used to live close by to my brother in law when the children were little. He lived on his own so I would invite him round for dinner a few times a week as well as on days out. As such, he became very close to my children and they adored him. My partner and I enjoyed him spending time with is too.
We then decided to move away. My brother in law would still visit but as its a long drive, this would be once every couple of months. Over the years, I noticed that he would only talk to the children when he came. I also picked up on some resentment towards me. I asked him about it but he's very difficult to talk to about anything serious. I suspect he might have mild autism as he struggles a lot with dealing with emotions.
Fast forward a few years and the children are now teenagers. My brother in law has said he is moving closer to us, mainly to spend time with the children before they leave home. I know he is lonely but I really don't want him to move closer. I tolerate his visits as I know the children enjoy his company but I really don't. Hes can be quite rude to me or just freezes me out. I think my partner feels the same as I do but doesn't want to say anything as it's his brother and he's worried he's a bit depressed. If he moves closer, I feel he'll be round or the time. If we dont allow him round, he'll be spending lots of time on his own. At least where he is at the moment he has options of visiting his friend and other family. AIBU to not want him to come?

He is not moving closer to spend time with the children. He is hoping you will look after him as he gets older and entertain him like you used to. His life was great back then, cooked dinner a few times a week, he could drop on whenever he wanted to - he even had a key.

It's good that you have decided not to give him a key. It's also important that you don't get roped into having a third wheel again. Him expecting dinner at your three times a week, expecting to to be invited to family days out and events because you feel sorry for him.You don't say what he does for work or if he is retired etc.

I think it's important to tell himt that your lives are different now the children are older. Lots of pick ups and drops off for the children's friends and hobbies. You are your DH's working patterns, hobbies, gym whatever.

Interesting that he plans to move in before Christmas, so that will be Christmas with you then.

Next time he comments, give him a vacuum or strimmer and tell him to have at it. You need to stand up to bullies like this.

Just don’t facilitate his move near you or his visits or meals

Are your DH’s parents still around? Does BIL have a job?

The things that he is saying are all really rude. If he is coming round, stop cooking for him. Your partner is very unsupportive. Would he be happy with your family coming round and criticising the things he does?

I think my partner doesn't say anything as he thinks his brother can't help it. The house criticism comes from being OCD and mildly autistic. So he'll just say stuff without realising the impact. (I think!) His mum is the same- she has no filter and will just state what she sees. 'Ooh the front garden needs a tidy, the weeds are poking through on the patio, the door handle needs fixing, etc' It's really infuriating as we are aware of these things but just not had time to sort it!! They also spend loads of time together so him moving down, also means seeing a lot more of MIL and she is just as hard work and has even less boundaries. Previously I've put up with how they are as I've only had to see them a couple of times a year. Now it feels like it will be every week!

You have to start the way you mean to go on with rock solid boundaries.

People like your BiL never change. If anything, they get worse with age.

No key is an absolute.

No "dropping in" without a prior arrangement is another one, although if your DH doesn't get on board with this, you will have to vote with your feet. (i.e. go out, go watch a movie in your bedroom, or whatever you have to do to not be in his presence.)

Being very clear with your DH that neither of you are responsible for BiL's entertainment and that you do not enjoy his company. You don't have to invite him to meals, or (god forbid) to your family christmas. Do it once, and it'll be taken for granted for ever more.

You don't have to answer the door to him, or the phone for that matter.

It's very important that you emotionally detach from the situation (meaning you decide not to give a shit about what he or anyone else thinks about you). It's very liberating.

I'm really sorry op, I think you have to sit and imagine what it's going to be like and then use that feeling to tell your husband and basically say it's not going to work for you. You will fall out with the BIL if he moves up. Tell your husband ultimately he will have to choose who he wishes to back. If he doesn't sort it you will be miserable and ultimately you'll want to move / leave husband / shout at BIL. And finally ask will you tell BIL or will I? You can do something or you can live with the misery. Be strong you can do it.

OP, you are with your partner a long time, but do not underestimate the stress his family with cause you and how it will affect your family dynamic.

Your partner sounds as if he will throw you under a bus and ignore your concerns because he thinks his family can't help it.

NOT your problem.
It is your home too.
I would be telling him that you think it might be better all around if he visits his brother and mother at his brothers house and takes the children with him when they want to visit.
Its the nuclear option but one I would go with.
Otherwise it sounds like you will be walked all over by your partner and his family....until you crack.
Are you going to be cook and carer for his brother too?
Sounds like it...
Partner or husband?

I would be telling him that you think it might be better all around if he visits his brother and mother at his brothers house and takes the children with him when they want to visit.

That sounds like the best solution @Goldcushions2

I think you need to have a conversation with him before he arrives. Tell him not to invite the kids this time, they won’t be coming if he does, you need to set some ground rules seeing as he seems to have certain expectations of “family life” when he moves and you want to make sure he understands that the reality might be different. Bearing in mind how rude he is to you I think polite but pretty blunt is the way to go. If he is going to take offence better do it now.

Thanks everyone, some really helpful advice. I sent him a text message last night. Basically saying I don't want you to move down here and it not be what you were expecting- kids are older, we both worked full time, busy, etc. I also feel that we've grown apart a bit over the years and that sometimes I feel a bit dismissed when we do see each other. He messaged back to say not to worry, he wants to spend more time with us as he doesn't want to grow apart but he won't be inviting himself round all the time and knows we are busy. He said he'll do all the things he currently does, working, hobbies, etc. He kinda ignored the part about how I felt in his company! I get the impression he's lonely and doesn't want his only 'family time' spent with his mum. I get it and I sympathise but I feel emotionally blackmailed into this one. My only option is to follow advice on here and set very firm boundaries. It's about time really. I've been a bit of a pushover in the past!

That sounds like a great text. It gives you something solid to refer to now if it looks like boundaries are going to be trampled, or at least attempted to. You can always say remember what I said before you moved here and even though he's ignored it, that includes him being rude about you in your own house.
Keep firm with the same message, so it sinks in. Inviting himself over isn't ok, being rude to or about you or the house isn't ok. Same with MIL. Practice polite but firm phrases that you feel comfortable saying to them. 'Please don't criticise our house', 'no that doesn't work for us, tonight is just for our family', 'how about next time you cook for us if you don't like my cooking'.

So when he gets there feel free to set ground rules for behavior in the house. Make them very general and universal.

”respect other people’s opinions /time/personal space.”

Also: with respect to the “has no filter” part I would suggest treating these observations not as criticism (though they may be) but as tedious camera work. Like this is a toddler reporting on what they see not an indirect command. If he says “I see the porch needs cleaning” just say “ok, thanks for the report. Its not interesting.”

Your DH needs to say something - and say it if he moves closer but before he visits you. He needs be quite firm that DB has to get along with you and not be rude or dismissive to you. Let him know his behaviour has been noticed and won't be tolerated again. You will really need your DH to be on board and cover your back on this. Hope it works out, don't put up with it or let your DH put up with it either.

Good luck with it all. As others have said, keep firm with the boundaries and your DH definitely needs to back you up. I know it'll be hard for him, he's been conditioned to behave a certain way with his family (Mum and brother), but he needs to do this.

I do find this annoying on your family's behalf, tbh. Your BIL is essentially forcing you all to provide him with the companionship and entertainment that he wants, because he hasn't developed his own relationships and friendships. He's not considering whether you actually want to take on this role!