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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my brother in law to move closer

92 replies

Skywalker2018 · 08/08/2024 08:33

We used to live close by to my brother in law when the children were little. He lived on his own so I would invite him round for dinner a few times a week as well as on days out. As such, he became very close to my children and they adored him. My partner and I enjoyed him spending time with is too.
We then decided to move away. My brother in law would still visit but as its a long drive, this would be once every couple of months. Over the years, I noticed that he would only talk to the children when he came. I also picked up on some resentment towards me. I asked him about it but he's very difficult to talk to about anything serious. I suspect he might have mild autism as he struggles a lot with dealing with emotions.
Fast forward a few years and the children are now teenagers. My brother in law has said he is moving closer to us, mainly to spend time with the children before they leave home. I know he is lonely but I really don't want him to move closer. I tolerate his visits as I know the children enjoy his company but I really don't. Hes can be quite rude to me or just freezes me out. I think my partner feels the same as I do but doesn't want to say anything as it's his brother and he's worried he's a bit depressed. If he moves closer, I feel he'll be round or the time. If we dont allow him round, he'll be spending lots of time on his own. At least where he is at the moment he has options of visiting his friend and other family. AIBU to not want him to come?

OP posts:

WickieRoy · 08/08/2024 12:27

You can't stop an adult moving, but you can put a limit on what you're willing to give them.

Does your DH get along well with him? Is it worth DH explaining to the brother that the teens are busy, as are the two of you, and so you're worried he has unrealistic expectations? Your DH could also say that he will need to treat you with respect if he's planning on visiting your house.

BePearlOrca · 12/08/2024 07:48

Sunsetbeachhouse · 08/08/2024 09:53

I suspect he might have mild autism as he struggles a lot with dealing with emotions.

Can we stop diagnosing ppl with autism. We are not doctors we are not specilaists and I'm sure we don't have access to someone's full history. It's becoming so normal now to decide we suspect someone is autistic with no real understanding of what autism actually is. Its becoming such a throw away comment on mumsnet and it's not helpful in raising awareness for the condition.

Show quote history

I'm an autism specialist and while I agree it's not ideal to be dishing out diagnoses, I think it's great that the public are becoming aware that autism is a lot more commonplace than we used to believe.
The OP describes quite a few autistic traits in this guy. Being blunt and appearing rude / freezing OP out, not anticipating that his relationship will change now the kids are older and what their response might be to him, OP mentions he's lonely -he might not be good at building and maintaining relationships. This doesn't make him autistic of course but OP knows him and we don't so I don't think her speculation is unreasonable.
Anyway I hope the situation resolves itself. OP if you do believe he may be autistic, it's good to keep in mind that his apparent 'hostility' might well just be him being himself and you have to shake it off and try not to take it personally.

Longsight2019 · 12/08/2024 07:51

I have a needy uncle who does this with my children. He visits sporadically on his terms, often at very short notice (think 30 mins). He does it to fulfil his own need to see them, and talks to them about only the things he is interested in discussing with them. He doesn’t listen to anything we say, and has this really odd way of giving them things that he’s found (such as hair clips or cuddly toys).

My advice to OP is to make it clear that the children are much older and have their own agendas as young adults and he’d be wasting his time moving for such a reason. I think you’re experiencing family entitlement and someone using your kids as emotional support.

Manthide · 12/08/2024 19:20

@Skywalker2018 my younger db (only sibling) sounds very like your bil and when we were young people weren't diagnosed (ds is ND and it runs in our family). He spent a lot of time with our parents and I always expected to have to keep an eye on him when they died. I definitely felt he was my responsibility and that was okay. Anyway he died a few months ago and I am devastated. My dc and exdh knew the situation and thankfully they were on the same page.

pleasantgreenery · 12/08/2024 19:57

Why did YOU decide to move @Skywalker2018 in the first place?

Welshmonster · 12/08/2024 20:07

Let him know that once the kids have uprooted to uni or jobs etc that you may move elsewhere so would he be better staying where he is as otherwise he could end up with nobody near by.

let him know it won’t be like it was as the kids have activities and their own stuff to do now

HmmWhatNameToHave · 12/08/2024 20:09

Book some house viewings down in the old area and spruce up your house ready for sale, imply you're moving back, drag it out, then change your mind 😉Worked a treat with someone we didn't want moving near us.

FictionalCharacter · 12/08/2024 20:29

It's beyond rude to ignore someone when you're a guest in their home. Your DH needs to support you in stopping that.

My worry would be that if he doesn't like you much, he'd want the kids to go to his place so he can play Fun Uncle and let them have/do things they can't at home. Again, you and DH need to be united in what you agree to.

Original poster

Skywalker2018 · 13/08/2024 08:25

Thanks everyone for responses. It's really helpful to read other perspectives. We moved originally for a few reasons. Mainly to get out of the city but I think, looking back, I always felt a bit stifled living a life with what felt like an extra DH! He would come round and not knock, just let himself in. When I tried locking the door, he used his key! I know so much of this comes down to lack of boundaries. My DH finds them really hard to set. He also finds it hard to have honest conversations with his brother. This time we will have to set them and be firm or I will end up feeling resentful.

OP posts:

Butwhybecause · 13/08/2024 08:35

He sounds really needy and without a life of his own at all.
As for letting himself on with his own key?! I hope he doesn't have a key to your new place. Teenagers might be polite when he comes round but really they'll have their own friends and interests and not want to spend time with an uncle.

You can't stop him moving where he wants to but you need to have a serious chat with your OH and agree on boundaries to be put in place, offend or not.

ImikSiMik · 13/08/2024 08:38

If he does move close by, I would get your dh to take your bil to different hobby groups so he can establish his own social circle. It sounds like he's lonely so helping him create his own social life will help you in the long run.

Meet up is good for this type of thing https://www.meetup.com/

Your dh and kids should visit bil at his own house so you don't have to see him. Put in strong boundaries to manage the relationship. Can your dh accompany and suggest houses 15 mins plus drive away to bil? So he's close but not that close.

Meetup | Find Local Groups, Events, and Activities Near You

Find Meetup events, join groups, or start your own. Make new friends and connect with like-minded people. Meet people near you who share your interests.

https://www.meetup.com

ImikSiMik · 13/08/2024 08:40

Re key situation, just get a bolt fitted on the inside of your door.

Ace56 · 13/08/2024 09:00

Your kids are teenagers now - does he realise that they probably aren’t going to want to spend as much time with him as they did when they were little? No 14 year old is going to want to hang out with his uncle, unless the uncle is particularly ‘cool’ and into the same things. Could your DH tell him this in a nice way?

Otherwise what’s going to happen is that he’ll come over to see the kids, the kids will be out or busy/not particularly interested and he’ll end up sitting with you and DH.

Goldcushions2 · 13/08/2024 10:13

Well obviously it is you who is going to have the hard conversation and if you get any attitude your husband and children can visit him in his house.

Absolutely no key. I can never fathom having another person walking into your home via a key, so presumptuous.

Put your husband on notice so he is very clear where you stand.

New house whole new set of rules.
Not your problem if he doesn't like them.

Redwood48 · 13/08/2024 11:23

I would hate this. He's trying to muscle in on your life and has no boundaries.

I think I would be blunt and say - "don't move here just for us because we likely won't be living here for much longer once the kids have left school".

He needs to move purely for his own life and he isn't, he's trying to worm his way into yours and it will be a nightmare having this cling on constantly demanding your family's time and attention!

Daleksatemyshed · 13/08/2024 11:34

It would be so much better if your DH would have a talk before he moves Op, so that your BIL doesn't have false expections of how much he'll see your DC. I'm sure if he just moves and it's not how he imagines you will get the blame again. If he moves anyway make sure your DH or DC don't give him a key
If your BIL is ND he may not get hints, someone needs to speak plainly

Original poster

Skywalker2018 · 13/08/2024 14:39

My DH has said to my BIL that we don't know what our long term plans are (and this is true!) We only have 5 more years before our youngest becomes an adult so who knows where we might end up. My BIL said that's fine, he just wants to spend time with the children before they leave home. The problem is he takes ages to make decisions and with buying here he won't be able to just up and leave if/when we do. I can't see him making friends here as he really struggles in that department (he's never had a girlfriend either). Then he'll be stuck here with no one. For those asking- he's buying a house that I a 5 minute walk away! He looked at others that were 15 mins away but said they were too far!

OP posts:

MilkyCappuchino · 13/08/2024 14:43

oh my goodness, we have the most amazing unobrtrusive, youthful uncle. He lives away and never wanted to be close to us. But I don't do meet ups with friends or have social friends for that matter, so for me would be nice someone to come round, if he was good as my BIL of course. I don't do patience with shite given me , not even for a minute.

LlynTegid · 13/08/2024 14:44

I'd feel the same as you, not sure other than the chain on the door there is much you can do. Your DH should be the one to make boundaries with his brother.

HmmWhatNameToHave · 22/09/2024 22:09

@Skywalker2018 How are things Skywalker? I hope you have been able to dissuade him from moving so close.

MrsPeterHarris · 22/09/2024 22:18

I was wondering the same?! I'd move if he really does / has moved that close!

Original poster

Skywalker2018 · 22/09/2024 23:08

He's put an offer in on a house and it's been accepted. It's about a 15 min walk from our place. There's not a lot I can do! He'll be here in time for Christmas.

OP posts:

MrsPeterHarris · 22/09/2024 23:51

Clear boundaries & locks on your door @Skywalker2018 & I'd honestly look to move.

Fraaahnces · 23/09/2024 00:00

You make sure that he doesn’t get your key. Before BIL moves, tell DH there will be consequences if BIL is given a key - ever. As far as he needs to know, your spare is with a trusted neighbour. I would also make plans for a Christmas trip with just your kids and DH. I would also speak to DH about enforcing basic manners if this man thinks he is going to enjoy your hospitality.

LaRosbif · 23/09/2024 00:09

You could tell him that as you're thinking of moving, perhaps he would be better off staying where he is?

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