To not want my brother in law to move closer

[Skywalker2018]

We used to live close by to my brother in law when the children were little. He lived on his own so I would invite him round for dinner a few times a week as well as on days out. As such, he became very close to my children and they adored him. My partner and I enjoyed him spending time with is too.
We then decided to move away. My brother in law would still visit but as its a long drive, this would be once every couple of months. Over the years, I noticed that he would only talk to the children when he came. I also picked up on some resentment towards me. I asked him about it but he's very difficult to talk to about anything serious. I suspect he might have mild autism as he struggles a lot with dealing with emotions.
Fast forward a few years and the children are now teenagers. My brother in law has said he is moving closer to us, mainly to spend time with the children before they leave home. I know he is lonely but I really don't want him to move closer. I tolerate his visits as I know the children enjoy his company but I really don't. Hes can be quite rude to me or just freezes me out. I think my partner feels the same as I do but doesn't want to say anything as it's his brother and he's worried he's a bit depressed. If he moves closer, I feel he'll be round or the time. If we dont allow him round, he'll be spending lots of time on his own. At least where he is at the moment he has options of visiting his friend and other family. AIBU to not want him to come?

All good points @Fraaahnces

Oh, what a tricky situation, OP. I agree with earlier advice-no spare key and your DH needs to set boundaries. I can’t imagine that your teenagers will spend excessive amounts of time with him, they have their own activities and friends.

I would say put up with him. Having an adult who gives a damn about your children is not insignificant. Let him connect with the kids while you just get on with your routine/plans.

As pretty much everyone has said, you can’t stop him moving where he wants.
But you can absolutely change the way respond, and set up boundaries from the outset.

Set out expectations from the start.
Remind him children are older now and doing their own thing, with friends their own age.
No key.
No just dropping in at a moment’s notice.
Don’t let him in if he just turns up - tell him you are busy / about to go out / children aren’t home / it’s not convenient
If he does come round (when agreed beforehand / invited) and is subtly rude, pull him up on this. ‘That’s a bit rude, BiL’
Your DH really should take the lead on all this. I get that he doesn’t like having these sort of conversations- frankly, who does - but it’s part of bring a grown up!

Maybe invite him for Sunday roast or something once a month. Gives him a bit of structure and not too uncomfortable for you? Can DH meet up with him once a month out of the house - with the kids if they want join in?

You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in your home, so it’s ok to say no, to not acquiesce to him every time.

Your going to have to get your DH on side to make this work Op. You can say no key, no coming uninvited until you're blue in the face but if your DH doesn't agree it will happen anyway. Your BIL won't take hints so it's going to have to be straight talking. You had a third person in your marriage before, don't let it happen again

This.

The first time he is rude, stand up and ask him to leave IMMEDIATELY.
That you will not be spoken to or treated rudely in YOUR home.
Tell your husband that you will do this, and that you expect him to support you 100% in this.
I doubt your teens will have time or interest in spending lots of time with him, so it is most likely you and your husband who are going to be landed with him.
You need to brutally spell it out to your husband.
The softly softly approach will not work here.
This is on him to manage and sort out.

I still find it weird. An uncle specifically moving to be closer to their teen nieces and nephews. Never heard of it.

I would what he’ll be like towards your children’s future partners, given that he’s so strange towards you? It won’t be long given that they’re teenagers.

No key!!

Does he work from home?

Are his parents still alive?

Anyone who was visibly rude to me would get the cold shoulder from my teen/adult dc. He sounds like an idiot. He is probably ashamed that he is a loser in the adult world and so can only converse with the dc as that is simple. But they are not dc anymore and have outgrown him now.

you can’t control what he does but you (really your DH) can reset what you do.

Starters for 10
I would not let him have a set of keys to your house at all…under any circumstances
it’s a total overstep

if you need a spare set for emergencies either a neighbour or a secure box in a non obtrusive spot

@coldcallerbaiter Yes, that’s why I wondered how he’ll react towards her teenagers having their own partners and adult lives. It sounds as if he has trouble coping with family members maturing and creating their own lives.

Honestly the only thing they can gain from this uncle is an inheritance, which is actually quite useful. Other than that, he is rude to their mother, that’s not acceptable.

Be firm at the start. A) no key. B) no weekly invites at all. C) no spontaneous visits. Just: no. High days and holidays. He and dh can meet outside of the house. He can invite the children to do things. But you are not playing hostess to him.

@Skywalker2018

What @Goldcushions2 has said, basically, and it needs saying NOW before his brother makes any serious steps towards moving.

would the teens be happy to train it to his to visit in the holidays?

I understand how you feel. My SIL is incredibly rude like that, she lives in NZ and that's too close & one of the reasons I'm not moving back there in a hurry.

I’d have safety chains installed on your front and back doors, just in case he somehow gets hold of a key. Just to make it clear that wandering in isn’t happening.

Cross posted.

why did you let it get this far without spelling it all out to him?

I think you need to be clear to your husband that if his brother is rude to you, you expect him to pull him up on it. If you have to pull bil up on it, you expect full support.
You won't be hosting beyond your comfort zone (eg I'd invite him over one day over Xmas, but it is not your responsibility to make sure he doesn't send Xmas alone, if that doesn't fit with your plans).
If he gives out a key you will change the lock. Be clear that he needs to decide who he'd rather upset, and that to he's made marriage vows and built a home and family with one person only.
The idea up thread about a chain seemed good if you don't think having boundaries will work.
Do your kids actually like him? More than they just generally accept all aunts and uncles? I can't imagine liking anyone who was mean to my mum, even as a teen (when the person who was most mean to my mum was me, tbh, I was a stroppy cow, but I had being rude to my mum covered, there was no space for anyone else to join in!)
Good luck!

Would you really want someone who is rude to you visiting your home all the time? Why should the OP put up with that? He may be fond of his nephews and nieces but he shouldn't just be able to let himself into OP's house and treat her as an inconvenience.

Well 15 mins is better than 5 I suppose...

No key, ever!

Security chains on doors

Make it clear to kids they have no obligation to see him - school/activities etc. take priority

Your DH needs to put clear boundaries in place before he moves

Ok to answer a few messages: I totally agree no key is the way forward. I have tried to get my point across and even arranged to meet him to discuss things but he invited my son last minute so there was no way of having an honest conversation. (I do believe he did this on purpose to avoid confrontation.) My kids do like him but prob less so than when they were little as they can now see his limitations. The rudeness is really difficult to challenge as it's little stuff, which on its own doesn't seem like a big deal but the accumulation gets annoying! Eg. Commenting that the hedge needs cutting, the stairs need hoovering, the dinner is under-seasoned, etc etc. It gets me down! Especially when I've spent the previous few days cooking and cleaning! It's causing a lot of tension between me and my partner as he thinks I'm catastrophising.

Just tell him to stop commenting on your home - his views are not welcome & if he can't keep his comments to himself, then he won't be welcome either!

You can say it with a big smile on your face but an edge to your voice & the next time he does it, simply tell him he's been warned and so now it's time to leave.

I appreciate that's easier said than done, but practise it & set your stall out straightaway as otherwise you'll be miserable in your own home!

Tell him the house is a “no criticism zone” and if he can’t comply he has to leave. Don’t negotiate about it. Just treat his mean little remarks the same way you would if he were spitting in public. Just say “no, we don’t do that.”

Boundaries! It's going to feel uncomfortable but if you don't establish them properly now you have years more of this shit. You tried to talk but he invited your son - no you/ he can't come this time, this is a conversation just between the adults. He criticises the house - you pull him up on it every time and tell him that if he keeps complaining about it then he can leave it. Dinner is under seasoned - remind him most people would say thank you for the meal you cooked for them and, again, if he doesn't like the food he can stay at home to eat.