DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

[helloballoon]

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

Exactly. Like in my case, DH owned his outright which I live in and there was no DoT. None of us is at any risk of homelessness as although I have mortgages on mine, one of it can be paid off outright by selling any of them. It is why we were and are comfortable.

I was anyway clear, I wouldn't touch anyone without their house unless we would straight away buy a house together or they buy their first. Exactly so I didn't live with a homeless person no matter the many other investments (seem popular) they had as they talked the property market down as a hobby. And owning a home requires sacrifice and hard work, so was uninterested in someone else just coming to reap teh benefits.

Hope she ring fenced her deposit and the years of mortgage she’d already paid before adding him! 🙈

I think he already did.

I do pay the mortgage and have been doing since February

This.

And he's a CF. Why the hell would you pay his mortgage without any paperwork? He's trying to take you for a ride, stick to your guns.

He wants to be your landlord not your partner.

Move out fast and don't look back.

This

Move back out is my advice.
Sorry.

I don’t think there’s any way back from this if you consider the implications.

He was fine with you paying a lump sum off his mortgage with no proof, and no entitlement to any equity as a result. It was only when you mentioned that if something happened to him you would have nothing (as would be the case if you split up) and arranged for the declaration of trust that he got angry. If he was genuine, he would be concerned that the situation would disadvantage you.

You’re already contributing to the mortgage but he still wants you to pay rent !!

I think he has control issues, and I’d be very wary of him because if this is the case, other issues will come to light. Personally I’d end the relationship and buy my own place. He’s only interested in himself.

It’s not crazy. He is the father of my child and fully contributes to all our expenses. I bet you wouldn’t be saying it was crazy if a man put a woman on his deeds in these circumstances.

Before the sale of my house completed we sort of shared money but not officially as I was still paying all the bills on my house. I covered all these and then I paid for shopping which amounted to about £500-600 month, during this time my DP picked up a lot of other costs which is why I can see where he was coming from.

@Cinnamonginger

And if we do talk about what's morally right and move on from the legalities, then you're spot on - I also wouldn't want to be in charge of someone's housing status. I wouldn't want to be what stands between them being housed or homeless. I would feel morally repugnant if I had to boot out someone who was paying my mortgage until a day ago. Me being a woman is also at the forefront of my mind - I never want to be in a situation where I have to "evict" a man in a midst of a potentially volatile break up. Shudder.

With someone who can bring a contribution to the plate, shared assets via marriage is the only way I could see a mutually beneficial outcome.
But at this stage in life, I'm happy keeping it simple and keeping it separate.

You are right, this relationship is going backwards, but that's because he's made it go that way. It's him who has commitment issues, or simply changed his mind about you, but not admitting it. Otherwise he could of solved this easily by asking you to marry him. Can't see that ever happening now, he's actually proving to you that he would of gladly took your money and left you high and dry in a split.

Seriously - unless he's 100% in to the same level you are (also 100%), then my advice is to throw this one back into the sea.

OP, I really hope you aren't regretful of selling your home.

It sounds as if you are potentially in a vulnerable place.

Do not convince yourself to give him your money.

Women that settle for very little at great cost to themselves, invariably bitterly regret their stupidity.

Protect yourself at all cost.

So you've been together for 5 years, he owns his property, you owned yours but recently sold it, completing 5 months ago.

Best case scenario, this is an unusual/unhealthy relationship because in the last 5 years or during the property sale you didn't discuss/agree a split on finances going forward. It must have come up?

I assume this is where the deed of trust comes in, to say that your contribution in equity = x% of his property, which he is now refusing to sign.

Worst case scenario, given this separate money/rent suggestion, is that he has gone back on a previous agreement and now plans to milk you financially. You have sold your property, have no fixed address of your own, and he could kick you out right now.

I doubt he's actually said it like that, but it certainly sounds that way from the outside. He's got a live-in GF who'll cover half his costs, and you could be out on your arse with no warning and no recourse to justice.

No, no, no, he wants you to give him a large sum of money on trust alone and that tells you he's not trustworthy. A decent partner would want you to be financially secure. If you're not married so not join finances.

Wow you’re paying the mortgage but have no equity?? He’s laughing and is showing his level of commitment. I’d get out and fast.

Oh great. You are both doing this to each other. I am now 100% clear of what is going on. Thank you for responding to my clear and honest Qs.

I guess, what is different here is that HE has finally opened his eyes! Good, yours remained opened throughout!

End relationship. Move out. Buy your own property. I'm now understanding why YOU sold your property first before caring to clarify all- it suited you that way. This mess suits you well. Well played OP. Only Q is, what the purpose of this thread was.

we all agree, don't pay off someone else's mortgage etc but you knew all this already. And of course, you would know,. you once owned a property!

Perhaps a male bashing thread?!

get that money reinvested into a house asap! Even if you rent that house out and live at his and pay “rent”. CF asking you to pay off his mortgage. Your saying hes a partner not husband and your not even named on the mortgage! Alarm bells are ringing here. Dont be a fool. Look after yourself financially first and foremost

My now husband and I were in a similar situation before we married. When I lived in his house, I paid a contribution towards bills & food. When we each sold our houses to buy a house together, we each put a deposit in. His was 3 times what mine was, but we had a solicitor draw up a memorandum of understanding that, in the situation we split, we would each get our deposits back and then split remaining equally. We’d both been stung in previous relationships and were both happy to have the memo. But, of course, both our names are on the mortgage.
I definitely would NOT be paying off a lump sum on a mortgage I was not named on, without some sort of legal document stating terms etc. And even at that I’m not sure I would.
I think you’re seeing his underlying feelings here and a sign of things to come should you stay in the relationship.

Yes I would actually and you obviously give bad advice. Anything else may give the partner without equity a claim on the property 🤷‍♀️ there's many a post on Mumsnet where a female OP has debated the finances when moving a partner in and the replies usually overwhelming support them paying bills only for that reason.

You are not on the title deeds of his house. Do not pay into his mortgage. There is no protection for your money.

What you are paying now sounds perfectly reasonable if it’s as I think you have said, that is half the bills plus half the mortgage out of a joint account.
I would gladly do as he says and separate your finances as that would feel more financially secure given the warning signs you are receiving about the relationship.

If he wants you to stop paying half the mortgage and charge you rent instead, it’s clear he is worried about you thinking you can claim part of his house asset which you clearly aren’t. He is punishing you OP. Pretending he doesn’t trust you because he feels that your refusal to hand over your house equity to the joint account means you don’t trust him. (which you shouldn’t)

I would do as he says. Separate your finances asap, but pay your share of the bills. Stop paying half the mortgage and agree a rent with him which is no more than half the mortgage you already pay. Then, as soon as you can, move out into your own place because it seems to me that you can’t trust him financially. He sounds mean all round.

If he wanted a situation where you put your considerable equity into a joint account, then he should have been making sure you were married so that you had legal financial security. He’s missed his chance for that in my opinion and you should be very wary now. Best to keep your financial independence OP.

If you have been very happy for 5 years then it might be worth some joint counselling.

When you say that he's paid for things for you over the years, how much are we talking about? Have you treated him as and when you can afford to?

Absolutely do not hand over a lump sum without protecting it. Tbh you were a little foolish to sell your house without talking through financial arrangements post sale.

Don't use your equity to pay off his mortgage without a deed of trust!

Nothing wrong with paying him some rent and half the bills, but it needs to be reasonable. He can't expect you to pay the going rent for a house and half the bills as you are sharing. I'd look for what the going rate is for a house share. Round by me it's about £300 per month and then split the bills 50/50.