DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

[helloballoon]

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

Crikey.

My house is in my name and mine alone. I pay the mortgage alone. DP contributes to the bills but absolutely NOT to the mortgage because he doesn't own any equity in the house. When we get married, his name will be put on the deeds and he will start paying his share of the mortgage. He will then own half the equity moving forward (with the previous share of the equity ring-fenced for my daughter).

That's fair, and is what we were both advised to do by our (separate) financial advisors. What your DP is proposing is taking you for an absolute mug.

The "housing costs" of a mortgage are the costs of a large loan (loan = debt).

You want a girlfriend to be paying your son's debts?

I also have a son. And I'd advise him no such thing.

I own my house outright. What would be fair "rent" to pay me? Cause... Adults. Cause... Housing costs. How much?

I'd move out into an Airbnb and look for another house. Yes, that would involve ending the relationship but that's going to end soon anyway, OP.

@QueenCamilla no one said you have to agree with me & I would advise my daughter the same.

Right, is it alright to ask OP @helloballoon the right questions on MN? I don't know any more hence I post less or not at all... Anyway, here goes.

And thank you to posters who seem to understand fully what's going on, as OP has a very good way of saying so much but yet, saying very little.

E.g, I fully understand her need for the DoT.
However, OP also says she SOLD her property with the understanding/ agreement by the the 2 of them that SHE would use the proceeds to pay HIS mortgage- off or just pay it. I am not clear.

Then, OP says, once the whole long, sometimes frustarating sale process was over and done with, THEY (who) realised HE is on a good rate so not wise for her to pay off teh mortgage.

This is where I have issues: How come teh rate conversation wasn't had before OP started to sell her house? To me, and OP can correct me if I am wrong, it looks like it IS the OP changing the goal posts. ANd what is the DoT for right now, (just to say OP has no interest in house?) if OP has kept her sale proceeds?

To think ONE would undergo sale of a property and be this unclear is unbelievable- yes, I don't believe the OP here. I own 3 properties. Married DH who owned his. I have a pre-nupt (not interested that by law they are marital assets) with clear terms that neither of us needs permission from teh other to sell or deal with their property etc etc etc.

Selling and buying properties is expensive and exhausting. OP needs to explain what really went wrong!

Of course I agree she shouldn't put her money into someone else's property etc etc etc. But the premises of her sale needs to be clarified first.

Also, I fail to see, why she is now unhappy with separate finances, which I think is what she wants? Not too clear on this although I can see the equity argument, I am just unclear why this arrangement was discussed and the first move is a big obstacle.

I own my house outright. What would be fair "rent" to pay me? Cause... Adults. Cause... Housing costs. How much?

I have no idea about your financial circumstances so that would be up to you.

DH sold his flat and moved in with me. I had a house. It was not until we married that I 3as happy for him to use his profit from his flat to pay off a chunk of the mortgage on my house.
I felt I was giving the security of having my house away if I did as if we split up and he wanted his money back I might have had to sell my house. I wanted the security of a marriage as a form of protection. We had a document drawn up even then that said 60% of the house was mine, 20% his and 20% shared- not sure it would have been worth anything really but DH would have stood by it. 2 houses later the house is equally ours.

What would that proposal cost you in comparison to current situation?

Why don't you propose selling and buying a house together on equal terms?

I can understand his point of view. Yiu want to keep your own profit from your house, but you don't want him to do sane if you want a deed of trust? Am I missing something?

I can see both points of view. I think you did the right thing not paying of some of his mortgage. But I don't think you can expect to live completely rent free. But surely you are not expected to pay his mortgage and rent on top. . I think I would call it a day as there doesn't seem to be a lot of trust between you as regards finances.

OP, you absolutely do not give him money to pay off his mortgage.
That would be spectacularly foolish.

His feelings have changed for sure, hence he wants some rent from you and to keep his house in his sole name.

I think he is keeping his options open.
I'm sorry but I think you need to move on.

@LuluBlakey1 that's sensible.

Giving ill-informed financial advice to own children is not exactly wise, particularly when the pitfalls are plentifully well discussed on this thread.

These are not decisions based on moral stance, there are legal and financial implications and consequences.

But fine, each to their own.

Omg this gives me palpitations! Do not give him your money for a property that isn’t in your name.

ideally he needs to sell and you buy together or you get a joint mortgage on this house showing your different shares in it.

see a mortgage broker or solicitor together (if you stay)

sorry but i wouldn't be contributing to someone elses mortgage. Either i split the bills and live rent free on the basis that i have no rights to the property OR i own my own property.

I need to be independent as I'm not losing everything when / if the relationship ends no way so if i was you i would go and buy your own property

although i do think seperate finances is the best thing unless kids/ join house/marriage etc is involved

My Aunt owns her house outright & her partner pays “rent” not market & 50% bills. He doesn’t feel hard done by, he rents his house out & gets to live cheaply as he says in an amazing house in a great location (Wimbledon village).

@JoyousPinkPeer

Currently, what is HIS is HIS and what is HERS is HERS.

The proposal is to make what is currently hers, also fully his.

The starting point is very different to where he wants it to end. Hence need for legalities.

@QueenCamilla what legal & financial complications have I missed?

But that is very different because he has an asset of his own! He's also not at risk of homelessness.

The OP can have an asset of her own though.

She did until Feb

I never said the OP shouldn’t have her own investments & assets.

This is crazy! You've put a man on your deeds?

I'm quoting myself and I'm also outa' here. I can't tell if the basics are really that complex or quite a few posters are being deliberately obtuse.

I admire teachers because it would be a total nightmare job for me.

DONT DO IT OP! It will be a very expensive and painful mistake.

Personally I would NEVER join finances with anyone I wasn't married to. And possibly not even then, although I could never see myself marrying anyone where that would be a concern of mine. If it was, I wouldn't be marrying them in the first place. And frankly, unless we had/were planning on DC, I wouldn't get married at all. My financial independence is too important to me to risk.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with a partner charging the other partner a monthly amount to go towards the upkeep/maintenance costs of a property and calling it 'rent' plus splitting the bills. As far as charging an additional amount as a share of the actual mortgage, no I wouldn't agree to that. I'd want to put that money into a fund for my own future since I would have no 'housing security' living in a property that I have no ownership interest in.