DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

[helloballoon]

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

Why did you sell yours if he wasnt selling his?

Were you not planning on buying something new together?

My 2p...
Its a communication issue.

I dont think yabu but i can see why he is hurt. Men are not financially vulnerable in the same way women are so he probably doesn't get it.

I think you need to sit down calmly and try to talk it out. There are a lot of different ways to resolve this

I’m sorry but this is an absolutely massive red flag, and it would be a complete deal breaker for me. This is not someone who wants to be equal partners with you or who remotely cares for your security.

It’s easy for people like this to pay for things like meals and such - it keeps them in complete control and they know they can turn off the tap whenever it suits them. Don’t let that distract you from how he’s treating you in regards to your own financial security.

5 years together. 18 months since you moved in. Interest rates a big topic in the news.

But it was only when you sold and moved in, he realised his fix was too good to lose.

I'm suspicious already

This!

OP tell us he doesn't have any access to those funds..?

Maybe the middle ground is for you to agree until split finances until mariage? A joint account for mortgage/bills/food etc and you both contribute the same % of hour income. You would in effect contribute to his mortgage but a) you benefit from not having to pay rent because you live in his property, b) you can earn interest from the money you sold your property for

I think neither of you are being unreasonable tbh.

He doesn’t want a freeloader, you don’t want to pay into an asset that you have no claim over. (I am massively summarising there, I know you’re not a freeloader as you’re paying)

I think perhaps it is good to have some time apart from each other and see what you really want. If both of you feel like you miss each other and need to resolve this, good. If you feel like you’re better off without the relationships that’s fine too. But don’t feel pressured to make a decision right now.

yes, i too would have considered his offer/willingness to pay for things, when not married to each other, a huge, massive red flag.

there is just no free lunch. as op has now discovered!

OP, what is the long term vision here? Is there one? For example, are you hoping to start a family together?

It sounds like you've drifted into this - sounds like you moved into his because that's what people do, then it seemed pointless to have your own house so you sold it, and now there seems to be no clear, shared vision about what it was all for.

Instead of getting into the weeds about who should pay how much for what, or what legal documents you might draw up here and there, you two need to go back to basics and ask yourselves - what is it all for? What, if anything, do you want to do as a shared enterprise? What do you want to do with your life in general?

I personally wouldn’t pay into a house where my name isn’t on the mortgage or deeds, you have no come back if things go wrong.

His anger is rather odd and on that basis I'd be making alternative arrangements.

Reasonable, practical people don't get angry over something that's quite reasonable.

I would never ever pay off someone's mortgage without being married. I don't trust anyone that much except maybe my DC. But then again, I'm risk adverse and probably why I've been single so long cause I'm afraid to make commitments like this with anyone.

This.

So basically this man thought he was going to get a great deal, where you paid off a chunk of his mortgage and he kept full ownership of the property. And now he is angry and sulky with you because this plan has not worked out. And he is now trying to guilt trip you into feeling bad about this.

Honestly OP, look at who he is. Do you really want to stay with this selfish user?

I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

He can see that, and he is fine with it. Your solution was very sensible and sound. He is happy for you to put all your financial trust in him by helping pay his mortgage, but he is accusing you of not trusting him because you want some protection. He is having a tantrum about you having some financial security. He is showing his true colours. Do not have children with this man, and definitely not unless you are married to him. And don't marry him.

Yes I would actually and you obviously give bad advice. Anything else may give the partner without equity a claim on the property 🤷‍♀️ there's many a post on Mumsnet where a female OP has debated the finances when moving a partner in and the replies usually overwhelming support them paying bills only for that reason.

@Allie47 lol, do you know how hard it is to prove that you have an interest in the property, the onus is on the person to also prove there was a common understanding that you should have a financial interest. Difficult to prove & very expensive. Hence why I would never advise anyone to use their equity to pay off someone else’s mortgage.

@QueenCamilla what ill advice am I giving to my dc?

Just realised you ran off, no more emojis then! 💩💩💩💩💩

I don’t think that is the case. From what I read he has been generous financially and he was willing and ready to buy a house with her bht the issue is the girl rate he currently has not tbag he doesn’t want to buy a house with her.

I agree with OP not wanting to pay off the Norah he without her name on the more gage and deed and I agree with him wanting her to pay rent if she is not paying into the mortgage.

The alternative will be for OP to pay her share of the household until the point where she is able to be added the mortgage and deeds then pay into the mortgage. I don’t know what that will be possible given the situation with his rate. I think trying to add someone to the mortgage may trigger a rate change.

Anyway I don’t see it the way you that he doesn’t want a commitment. I agree he could try to be more open minded and discuss options with OP rather than continue to be offended.

May I ask how much your deposit is? It sure has him excited !!!

Please do not give him the money without him signing the DoT. You seem sensible so hold onto your boundaries which are very wise. Don’t let him wear you down.

If it was 10k or something then I would understand it r if you were marrying next month then I’d say why bother but imo he’s acting very strange about a very straightforward thing. If he was that amazing he would sign the darn thing.

Maybe suggest moving and buying a home together?

I agree with this.

She is paying half of the mortgage payments

If you can't talk about money, you can't have a relationship in which you live together, married or otherwise. It is good you found this out before you paid his mortgage off for him. If you want to give the relationship a chance you will have to be very very clear that money always has to be up for discussion, and that planning for the worst case scenario when things are going well between you is always always sensible. Talking something 'through' means talking about it until the topic is decided, however difficult that feels for either of you. Money is sometimes a tricky subject but it's essential you do this.

This relationship is doomed.

Sorry but you really need to see the warning signs and move out.

Run. As fast as you can. This is not a healthy relationship.

Protect your finances, stop putting money into a joint account, buy a property in your name and move on.