DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

[helloballoon]

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

Why don't people RTFT.
The op DOES pay towards the mortgage

I would say bills and rent are separate.

Same but you mentioned rent was fine which is what I have been saying.

OP should imo be paying 50% of bills and a rent payment that covers, at the minimum, 50% of mortgage interest.

e.g. if the guy's mortgage is say £150k, with a 20 year term and 5% interest rate, a monthly payment on a repayment mortgage would be around £1k. with interest only it'd be more like £600. OP should be paying at least half the interest portion, ie half of the £600, ie £300. this is the bare minimum.

asking her to pay more than that would start to get a bit more dubious because she'd be actually part paying off the mortgage of an asset that she'd not have any claim on. a partial counter to this might be that she's presumably/hopefully making a return somewhere on her savings, which she's presumably not sharing with her partner. in a sense the ability to live in a property is a big part of the return on her partner's investment in his property, which he would be sharing with OP. so there's perhaps an argument that OP should be paying a little more than £300pm in this example. but not just giving away a large gift for no reason, that'd be manifestly unfair.

i didn't really understand op saying that she pays "the mortgage". if she means every last penny of the monthly payments then that's overly generous imo.

You forgot the big pile of 🍒 that the OP is sitting on after she sells her 🍎

😆😆😆😆

Not market rent though.

Tbh it seems redundant anyway, he clearly has issues about op protecting her assets once merged with his own.
It won't end well even if they take a step back and try to stay together.

This. Every time I read posts like this I despair and wish schools did proper financial education. How can you even consider paying towards a mortgage on a property your name isn't on. Thank god you didn't pay a lump sum. He needs an ultimatum, either he signs the deed of trust and adds you to the deeds of house/ mortgage with a % share representative of what you are paying towards it, or you need to move out and buy your own place. Or you stop paying towards the mortgage, and just pay towards shared bills, in which case you should try and buy your own place anyway, as an investment. I couldn't be with a man who has this little respect for you. He is taking you for an absolute ride. The idea of paying "rent" to him is not comparable to renting your own place, as when you do that, you have some protection in terms of a tenancy.

I put YANBU because you are a good person although I think in a way YABU in that you have given too much to this user who I think intends to milk you for every penny he can.

I don’t agree that you are both fully committed to each other- he seems to want to keep his money and assets as his, but also get all your money towards his asset (his house). The agreement you’d pay off his mortgage with your equity gave me cold chills. Thank God interest rates are where they are! That one thing has literally saved you from losing all your life savings.

You are not married so whatever money you give him towards his house, becomes his money.

I wouldn’t have sold your house. Bit of a mistake. I’d keep that money separate and invest it by either putting it in a pension or buying a property to rent out- so you have a place to go when you realise what a shit he is.
Do not give him any.

If he were committed and wanted separate finances, he would have signed the declaration of trust. He isn’t signing it because it probably says what equity you would have in the house and he wants it to stay zero. He also hasn’t said anything about changing the deeds to you two being tenants in common.

He wants his money to be his, and as much of your money that he can winkle out of you to also be his.

Id run as far as I can from him.

The thing which stands out for me is that he was happy for op to pay a lump sum of mortgage until she correctly insisted on legal paperwork.

he wanted his cake and to eat it. Once he realised op was protecting herself he wasn’t interested. He’s not committed.

the rest is irrelevant

@TomatoSandwiches again I never said she should pay market rent…and I agreed with the poster who said it doesn’t seem like the relationship will work.

Buy a new place. Move into it. He's shown you what he is really like.

Normally I'm very 'no-one lives rent free' but this guy has done an absolute number on you.

1 - Got you to sell your home and liberate equity.
2 - Reneged on the deal to put you on mortgage but still expects you to pat down chunk of mortgage.
3 - Won't do next obvious thing to resolve it by signing declaration of trust to keep your money secure.
4 - Now trying to guilt you into paying off HIS mortgage with zero guarantees and acting as if the DofT is some evil tool you created to manipulate him.

Best case - he's being really emotionally immature and dense. Worst case - he's trying to steal your savings.

Ridiculous. There's an easy remedy with the DofT and he's being unbelievably weird about it.

I can't get my head around why you would be paying half his mortgage without your name on deeds and I think I'd agree to separate finances and you pay something towards his rent but then not be paying his mortgage. He sounds very controlling and he doesn't trust you. What's the relationship like apart from this huge control issue? I think I'd consider buying my own place and just dating him.

@Campcritters you still think that people would advise op differently if the roles were reversed.

That is not true, this isn't a sex based issue, it's finances and legal protections.

Some of us have sons you know, we'd give the same advice to them.

Of course he is seeing you differently now, you were going to give him a bunch of cash to pay off his mortgage and now he realises you won't without some legal protection for yourself and he's pissed, his plan is ruined.

I'd be using that cash and looking at houses for myself and not worrying any longer about what he thinks.

I honestly can't see what you have done wrong and why he's got the huff. You always need to protect yourself no matter how lovely he/she is. Why would you hand money over and have no security in it and you need to really ask yourself why would he be upset that you want security and that he's so unwilling to give it to you

@TomatoSandwiches

I have a son and a brother, I absolutely would not advise them to have someone pay off some of their mortgage and go on the deeds of their property without legal protection. I also wouldn’t advise them to have someone live with them without contributing to housing costs. I don’t think that’s a radical viewpoint.

Would you recognise his contribution to your mortgage legally?

Or would you become his landlord, pay taxes on the rental income and give him housing protection in a form of rental agreement?

Would you pay a share of his car finance, student debt or any other loan he acquired before or during your relationship? You could very well be benefiting directly or indirectly from any number of those.

You don't have to move anyone in if you can't afford the spot on the sofa next to you and the air they're breathing in your mortgaged rooms.

Tbh I would advise marriage first and if assets were very unequal I would maybe not advise marriage!

Sorry OP, but he's already taken a massive step back.

You're not married so have no financial protection and now he does not want you to share the asset of the property, even though you have been making mortgage payments. This, and separating your finances is stepping out of commitment to you.

I wouldn't wait to be told - I'd be out of there. Buy yourself a lovely home and find a man who deserves you.

Not to mention, should you have handed over your lump sum to pay off his mortgage, even with the declaration of trust and being added to the deeds, if you broke up - how do you get your equity back?? You would have to force the sale of the house, because he's hardly going to buy you out is he!

This is absolutely it.

Hi OP, I understand where you both are coming from. I actually disagree with the negative comments about your BF. Does paying the current mortgage equate to what you might pay in rent? If so, nobody 'loses'. Why did you sell your property? Was it with the intention of buying somewhere together? How much of the mortgage is left on his property? Could you agree to have both your names in his property deeds in proportionate amounts? I am thinking of solutions. Sadly, I think this may be a blip in your relationship. Hopefully when emotions are cooler, you may be able to discuss more rationally

You should register an interest in the property with land registry so he can't sell without repaying the deposit back. He's conned you by persuading you to pay towards the deposit, nut putting you on deeds or mortgage & then expe ting rent.

Complete the registration of interest form and don't tell him you've done this for your own safety. Invest your money in your own property and end the relationship, then is a financial abuser.

https://www.stephensons.co.uk/site/blog/consumer-law-blog/registering_your_interest_in_a_property

This is the form you need to compete to register your interest in the property. Doing thus means he can't sell without paying you back first.
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/notices-restrictions-and-the-protection-of-third-party-interests-in-the-register

And I may have misread but I thought the OP only started contributing to mortgage/rent & bills since February and the previous year she didn’t pay anything or maybe just bills. I can’t tell.