DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

[helloballoon]

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

what if you buy another property and rent it out, then as others have suggested you buy the shopping etc to cover your part of the household costs.

Then when his excellent mortgage rate ends you do the change then?

It doesn’t look good, the only “fair” solution is for him to sell his house and you buy something 50/50 together.

that is an equal solution rather than fair

really irritating comments here saying dump him
you admit he has been extremely financially generous with you
The sale of your house has nothing to do with him it’s your money
but you do you need to contribute towards the house you know both now live in financially wether that’s rent or bills, but don’t label it as mortgage

Every single woman who posts on here about a man moving in with them is told to make sure he pays rent but to never call it a contribution to the mortgage so he cannot have a claim on the house.

You cannot live in his house for free. You need to pay rent (roughly equal to what it would cost to be a lodger). It doesn’t entitle you to a share of his house.

If you want to pay off a large chunk of his mortgage then only do that if you are added to the house; if you’re paying off the mortgage or paying half the mortgage as rent then don’t do that until you guys have sorted out the legalities of ownership.

If you do end up with a joint mortgage make sure you also have your name put on the home ownership documents. They are separate things.

@helloballoon

you shouldn't have sold your house, you should have rented it out, your cash is not going to 'keep up' with house prices.

His asset is growing whilst yours is shrinking.

But you are where you are right now.

if it were me, I'd end it, because he doesn't have your back, he's happy for you to be worse off & him to be better off.

so what if he's paid for some stuff? You've been paying his mortgage and building his asset.

as I said, this was a disaster in waiting from the beginning.

it would be an easy decision for me, because his attitude is terrible & id rather be single than with someone who is happy to shaft me.

"...and he almost got away with it."
Honestly he sounds like an absolute grafter who almost conned you into paying off his mortgage for him and is angry you wised up.
Leave him.
YANBU

Go buy a place off your own. That's your security. Run for the hills from him. He would have his mortgage paid you would be left with nothing

Put a reasonable amount into the joint account each month to cover your share of the bills, that's it! Ask for your contributions to the mortgage to be given back to you or taken off your future contribution to the bills, it's never going to be a joint house so you shouldn't have paid anything towards it. Think about what to do in the future, maybe he should sell his house and you buy together equal shares, or if the current situation is a deal breaker go your separate ways.

Reading these comments - no wonder relationships fail.

This is the complete opposite of what women are told when they move a boyfriend in.

Why should she live for free? She needs to pay rent.

Every woman on here who moves a boyfriend in is told to charge him rent but make sure it’s called rent and not “mortgage contribution” and have it be an amount similar to a lodger rather than half the mortgage so they cannot argue that they have a share in the ownership.

According to mumsnetters, men need to pay rent when they move in without any rights to the house but the OP, a woman, should pay nothing more than her share of bills unless she gets added to the house deeds… interesting sexism on here.

If you take the emotional heat out of this then it’s a reasonable suggestion. You manage the the proceeds of your house sale and pay half the bills and a ‘rent’ amount. If the relationship breaks down then there’s a clean break. If you decide to buy together in the future then you can set up a deed of trust to protect yourselves.

You sold your house, you're way more financially committed than he is. He still has housing security you don't. He won't need to pay all the costs of re-entering the housing market if you break up. He won't have to move if you break up. You are so much more committed to this relationship then he is. You've put your money where you mouth is, he's refused and is all talk and no actions.

This is buy a property if your own now and move into it territory. The nerve of someone saying you’ve sold your house and moved in now you won’t give me the house proceeds so I can see you’re not committed… what’s he done?

What was the plan @helloballoon ? Did you discuss what you might do with the proceeds of sale before you put it on the market?

You won't contribute to his mortgage without legally having some part of it in line with your contributions but you will pay extra on the bills, and/or buy all the groceries etc in recognition of the fact that you are not paying rent (rent being a perfectly normal expectation of an adult) so that your overall contribution to the household includes an element recognised as rent

This is a flawed argument, people who pay rent have their own lockable room, they have rights in law. They are not usually sharing a bed with their landlord. Half of all the other bills is all that should be expected.

‘This is a flawed argument, people who pay rent have their own lockable room, they have rights in law. They are not usually sharing a bed with their landlord. Half of all the other bills is all that should be expected’

My partner does not want the hassle or expense of owning a home and would rather invest in stocks and shares than pay a mortgage. He saves at least £1000 EXTRA a month to invest in said stocks and shares because he doesn’t have the expense of private rental anymore. Instead he pays half the bills and a small rent charge. If we break up I keep my house and he keeps his investments. I’d feel pretty used if he said he should live there for free and just pay half of the utilities. This way we both benefit.

The main problem for OP is that she’s sold her property and re-entering the market would be really expensive. That was her choice though, it doesn’t sound like she was coerced into doing this. I don’t know how much equity she has sat in the bank but it could be making a pretty decent return in a good savings account

You are vulnerable to pay off his mortgage. The best outcome would be : It all goes wrong and in five years you will get EXACTLY the CASH you put in....My advice is Reevaluate your situation, get your cash and immediately put it into a new property. You have misjudged him but all is not lost. And if hes your partner why does he want RENT????????? Do you charge him for running the home???? Dump him now. ( Secretly) Get all your ducks in a row first. Dont pay rent. Get another house quick while prices are stable. Surely your not $|€€ping same room..........

That he would even ask this is unbelievable.

I would have a complete lack of trust.
Be very careful OP.

Be doesnt sound like someone id want to stay with

Say nothing further to him.
Get your own place asap.
Go and live there by yourself.
Be happy, you have narrowly dodged a bullet.

What are you going to do?

Seems odd that he was happy for you to pay off part of his mortgage but not happy when you changed your mind.
You had the Declaration of Trust drawn up, but he didn’t want to look at that and didn’t want to engage with it. I presume because he wouldn’t benefit as much as having part of his mortgage paid off ?
I’d separate the finances immediately and also put your money into another property. Not sure he’s being all above board.